Quote from: Kaybe on October 21, 2016, 06:43:04 AM
Obviously we are all different but I think its likely that others have had my experience and can offer advice.
Since childhood I've wanted to be a girl, my favorite childhood fantasy was to be a mermaid! However when I reached my teenage years I tried to be as masculine as possible, this included lots of weight lifting to stop looking like such a weed. Still most people assumed I was gay, and still do. Many years later - 2012 - I started buying and wearing women's underwear, my wife found out and amazingly didn't flip out. So I've progressed from there to buying nothing but women's clothing, at first it was skirts, tights and dresses but I soon realized I looked stupid in these and definitely wouldn't go out in public dressed like it, so I've settled for female versions of t-shirts, jeans, and jumpers. Also for some curious reason I'm a natural 36B which is actually rather nice, though I often get some slightly odd looks in warmer weather when I'm not hiding under layers of clothing. I've had lazer hair removal on my torso and face, which although has made a remarkable improvement still has a way to go.
Here's the thing though, if a genie appeared and could grant me one wish I'd jump at the chance to be an attractive young woman, however as it is I'm approaching 50, don't quite have a full head of hair and have a large family who would probably never let me live it down if I came out as anything other than male, so whilst I'm not happy where I am I'm not sure where to go from here? I don't feel a strong urge to transition as I think I'd just be sad and look ridiculous, is therapy the answer - learning to live with myself? I've often read that just taking female hormones can make you feel better about yourself with out the need to go any further, again any experience with this.
Hoping someone can help.
Kay.
I'd go see a few gender therapists in your area, and choose to continue with whomever resonates with you. Some therapists offer an initial free consultation to help serve that process. Ideally you end up with a caring and informed therapist who you enjoy seeing to discuss your situation, learn about options, even other providers as needed.
It's obvious you enjoy being feminine, if not hoping you can look and be your best in that endeavor. You seem to be rationalizing away transition for reasons which you cannot yet know apply, though that's not to concretely invalidate them... just to accentuate many many transitioners at 50 have started with dresses that didn't quite look right, a skirt which doesn't quite fit, all that. So so common. One's own negativity during that stage about one's own potential can be misleadingly harsh... I lost 50lbs and just did little things without committing to a huge Transition in a single day... nobody really decides it all at once... often little things are tried, you see, you adjust, you risk, you win/lose one day, adjust for the next and so on.
Whenever I felt stuck, I tossed questions of transition and gender identity and all that out the window in favor of simply asking myself what I want to do on that particular day. By simply doing what I wanted to do, or felt I needed to do on a particular day, I discovered some identity answers if not vision as to what steps were next.
Also, don't be certain you know what transition means for you. It's not a cookie cutter thing. For example, someone may never do HRT but get some surgeries. Or, someone may want to use a lighter dosage of hormones to get slight feminizing without full HRT. There's all sorts of ways to explore things... in the end, you likely want to avoid denying yourself a role you may want to live within more often, if not all the time. A therapist and your own thoughtfulness can both be allies.
I don't like to cheerlead so the above is not that... I think it's great your giving pause and considering things. I'm just saying, in the meantime, if you want to try various clothes or new hairstyles, I say go for it... you may not only discover some identity answers in the endeavor but be pleasantly surprised as well.
