Stuck in the fork in the road....and it is tearing me up

[Breanna1977]

Hi all,

Im Breanna, and Im new here. Ive been at a crossroads for sometime now, let me tell you a bit about it.

Im in my late 30's married with two wonderfull boys whom i love. But for as long as I can remember ive always been closer with women than men. I look at women and admire their choice of clothing and wish I was wearing them. After I was married, I suppressed feelings of dressing, and finally after years everytime my wife would leave town with the kids I would dress in her clothes.

I really want to take low dosages of hormones to watch as I change slowly and have boobs of my own and a nice butt that jiggles when I walk. I see women in yoga pants and want to be wearing them.

Im scared that my wife will catch me one day or start asking questions when she finds her clothes out of order, or sees changes in me if I start taking hormones. Im scared of her reaction but Im also having a hard time from keeping this close to me.

How do I even start to process and get the conversation started. Please girls help out a new girl find the happy path

[Pisces228]

Hi, Breanna.  I'm Tara and welcome to Susans.  While I am not married, nor do I have children, I can relate to that feeling of wanting to look like a women but being scared of being caught.  Are you in therapy?  You may want to try and find a gender specialist in your area.  Most large cities have one.  Therapy was a lifesaver to me.  No one has to know.  Therapy is a great first step and absolutely no one has to know that you are going.

[Artesia]

I will agree with Pisces228 find a therapist and talk with them.  I followed that advice and am doing much better overall.  It is also possible that your wife already knows, mine did.  Talk it through with people here and a therapist, but mostly the therapist, before you start doing anything as it will bring a bit more clarity to you.

[AnonyMs]

I don't think its a good idea to take hormones without your wife knowing. She will find out and it will severely damage whatever chance you have of staying together.

[Cindy]

Hi Breanna and Welcome to Susan's

I have to admit that you are in a situation that demands care. A GOOD therapist should help, but remember your wife an children are a priority also.

Do explore the existing posts and feel free to ask questions.
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[KathyLauren]

I cross-dressed before I met my wife.  I stopped when we started dating, because I figured it was too weird.  I didn't realize that the feelings would never go away.

I found myself in a similar position to you: dressing whenever my wife was away.  However, guilt over the dishonesty of that practice was eating away at me.  I knew that I would eventually get caught.  So I had to come out.

Many people recommended seeing a therapist to plan how to come out to my wife.  In some cases, that works, but in many, including mine, there is no way that could have worked.  She would have demanded an explanation of why I was going for therapy.  The only way for me was to come out first and seek therapy later.  YMMV.

The common thread is that the feelings won't go away on their own, and that a therapist is the best way to get that process going.

[Harley Quinn]

More of the same, seek a gender therapist in the area... I'm not sure you should keep something like hormones from your wife. It sounds like disaster, and grounds for a messy divorce. I would suggest being up front and honest with her once you figure out what direction your life needs to go. Hormones are not something easily hidden from your partner. Especially if you get the mood swings as bad as I did initially. They will know something is up and will probably be rather upset about not knowing up front.

[Breanna1977]

Thanks Girls,

Im currently not in therapy, however after reading your lovely posts I have made an appointment to start speaking with a therapist.

Also, I would love to keep you updated on my progress as Im sure ill need support going through this.

[Cindy]

Good girl!

Do keep us updated please. To be honest the people who get the most benefit from the site post their thoughts - good or bad. Their triumphs and failures and of course how they are feeling. It is good to write it down and lovely to get replies!

Cindy

[Megan.]

Breanna, I'm another here who dressed before marriage and kids, tried best to suppress it, but failed. Like others here I sought out a therapist who has helped me work through my feelings. Good luck. X

[Cindy]

Oh I keep forgetting but I was the best quick change artist there was! I could take 3 hours getting ready and 2 mins ripping it all off when the doorbell went, my heart pumping, my chest heaving, bile in my throat and as scared as a wallaby in a crocs jaw.

Then one day ......... I opened the door.

[Harley Quinn]

Congratulations, a big step in the right direction. We all love updates. Hope everything goes smoothly.

[DawnOday]

I think Miles from Risky Business said it best. "Sometimes you just have to say, What the heck" I sympathize on where you are right now because I have been there too. Having therapy to have therapy does not do much. They send you to group sessions and talk about nothing related to your problem. After 30 years 7 attempts. I finally sought the correct therapist and we attacked the 800lb gorilla. I had finally had all I could take and it was affecting my marriage. I did some research and discovered I may not be responsible for my feelings. But they can't be changed so go with the flow.  Now on HRT for almost 5 months, and I have never felt better. And the more people I meet in the same situation the better it will be.

[Bols]

Hi Breanna,
I'm a few years ahead of you in age and am married with two kids. So I can sympathise and imagine your situation.
As most people have said, seek out a therapist that deals with gender topics. Don't be afraid to look for another therapist if you don't get along. It is most important to support yourself first. Then you can work on the mechanisms to try and understand yourself.
In my case, I wanted honest transparency with my wife. I was very frightened she would leave me immediately - which is a risk of course - but love and respect are most important, for your dignity your wife's dignity and so that your children might see how you both behave.
A lot of people on this forum have gone or are going through comparable paths - so I hope I can convey solidarity.
My therapist has acted as a marriage counsellor at times and has been graciously impartial. He did however state that it's only the rare marriages that stay together in the same capacity, and most either remain friends or other more separated modes unfortunately.
I was stuck in the road for years, until I couldn't take it any more and my health deteriorated.
Just listen to your signals as much as you can, and be as transparent as you feel you can. You might have to wait...only you can know.
Take care and good luck, Ev

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