I'm tired of it all

[Saira128]

      I wake up every morning and just wait for the day to end. I don't feel ambitious about anything, I don't feel anything, I keep on having negative thoughts constantly.
      I know, transitioning would make me feel better, but I don't even have the strength to come out to my parents.
     I just want everything to end. I feel tired, disappointed in myself.
     I don't know, maybe, I am not strong enough.

       I started cutting myself. I have scars all over my arms. I keep on hiding them. Nothing makes me happy anymore.
    I try to hurt myself so that I can feel something.

  I don't know what to do anymore.

[Denise]

Please don't hurt yourself.  If you need someone to chat with, PM me and we'll chat.

Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

[Devlyn]

Big hug! Have you tried non-scarring self harm? Holding ice, eating hot peppers, and cold baths are some things I've heard of.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Denise]

Saira, here's another suggestion, do something hidden to start your transition.  Like:
Shave your legs.
Heck why stop there, shave off everything below the neck.
Talk in a higher voice.
If you're really gutsy, Pierce an ear or two. Lots of guys have pierced ears.
Wear female underwear.  It doesn't have to be frilly, just not cotton.
Watch and mimic women. 

Most of those things takes time to learn and do right.  You'll be ahead of the game later.

Please keep reaching out, we're here to provide support.


Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

[Sephirah]

      I wake up every morning and just wait for the day to end. I don't feel ambitious about anything, I don't feel anything, I keep on having negative thoughts constantly.
      I know, transitioning would make me feel better, but I don't even have the strength to come out to my parents.
     I just want everything to end. I feel tired, disappointed in myself.
     I don't know, maybe, I am not strong enough.

       I started cutting myself. I have scars all over my arms. I keep on hiding them. Nothing makes me happy anymore.
    I try to hurt myself so that I can feel something.

  I don't know what to do anymore.

I absolutely refuse to believe that hon. You are strong enough. You may not be able to see it right now, but I have seen, over the years, that people are capable of quite incredible things.

Let me ask you something. Do you think coming out to your parents would make you feel any worse than you do right now? All these things you don't feel you have the strength to do... would the outcome of doing them make you feel any lower than you do right at this moment?

If not... what do you have to lose?

I know the place you're at. It's a dark place. It's a place you feel paralzyed, and that paralysis is what's making you feel so bad.

Sweetie, listen. It's the not doing what you want that's making you feel horrible. And why is that? Because you're scared. You're scared that the reaction to what you want to do is going to make you feel horrible, right? Well... is that any worse? Isn't it worth at least trying? People can't make you feel any worse, and you never know... you might just get everything you ever hoped for.

I believe in you, okay? I know how scared you are. I know how it must feel like once you take a step on that road, there's no turning back. But... the way you're feeling now, you're punishing yourself. You're punishing yourself for not going through with it, even though it's the thing you want most in the world. But don't you see? The result of that punishment is no different to the worst possible outcome. Nothing you can say to other people can make you feel worse than you do right now. And it may make you feel a whole lot better. Isn't that worth the risk? At the very least, you will know.

Although I'm inclined to believe that you might just get to a better place. Take the risk, sweetie. Just do it, okay? And then you will know.

*huggles*

[Abbiem]

you are very strong, dont let anyone bring u down, they will win.

[josie76]

I can't think of much to add to what these ladies have already said but I want you to know we all are here to support you. Please find a way not to hurt yourself. Try to remember we do understand everything you are going through. You are not alone even if it feels like that sometimes. I wish there was something more I could do for you.

Stay the strong person we all know you really are! Take a digital hug from me sweetie

[Abbiem]

if you need help finacially , i can help u abit.

[jentay1367]

Telling people you know can be very liberating and open doors you didn't know existed. Regardless, your paradigm will shift if you tell the peeps. Based on what you're saying about your present circumstance, you've little to lose by trying. Tell them you need therapy and use the therapist as a go between and proxy to share more intimate info with the folks after you've been with them a while. Do something at any rate, what you're doing is failing for you. Move to a new tact.

[2cherry]

I know that place. Fear keeps us from being ourselves.

Your situation seems bad right now. So if it cannot get worse, make it better: Tell it, vent, scream if you have to. Make them listen. Guaranteed, you'll feel better.

[zamber74]

Hey Saira,
     It has been a few days now, how have you been feeling?  I know this is hell at times, I really do, but just keep at it.  As far as not being strong enough, you came out to your friends, that is amazing!  You are also seeing a therapist, which is fantastic!  You are not giving yourself nearly enough credit. 

[Janes Groove]

I was talking to a 69 year old trans lady friend of mine this week.  She's about to get her GCS.  At 69.  She shared a phrase with me this week about "living in the wreckage of the future."  It's about how when we are isolated we allow monkeys in our mind to get all loud and scream and jump around and make all kinds of mayhem.  Imagining the worst outcomes. The worst possible scenarios.  But none of it is real.  We all have problems and the last thing we need to do is add new ones that don't even exist. It's better I think to deal with real problems and not imaginary ones.  They are much more amenable to solutions.  You are a medical student.  You have taken lots of math.  This is basically just another math problem that you can find solutions to.  You are THAT smart.  Before I came out the stress was unbelievable. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat.  I imagined all kinds of scenarios and the worst one was backing out and then 5 minutes later I was thinking no way can I do this.  I knew it couldn't keep going on that way and I had to move off of that spot.  Either forward or backward.  The stress was just too much. 

I know you're tired of it all. I would be too.  It's not easy.  The emotions are exhausting.  But don't give up. Work the problem you have in front of you.  Then you can move forward.  I'm sending out good thoughts to you, hoping you feel better.  I really do wish I could just give you a big hug.

[DawnOday]

I absolutely refuse to believe that hon. You are strong enough. You may not be able to see it right now, but I have seen, over the years, that people are capable of quite incredible things.

Let me ask you something. Do you think coming out to your parents would make you feel any worse than you do right now? All these things you don't feel you have the strength to do... would the outcome of doing them make you feel any lower than you do right at this moment?

If not... what do you have to lose?

I know the place you're at. It's a dark place. It's a place you feel paralzyed, and that paralysis is what's making you feel so bad.

Sweetie, listen. It's the not doing what you want that's making you feel horrible. And why is that? Because you're scared. You're scared that the reaction to what you want to do is going to make you feel horrible, right? Well... is that any worse? Isn't it worth at least trying? People can't make you feel any worse, and you never know... you might just get everything you ever hoped for.

I believe in you, okay? I know how scared you are. I know how it must feel like once you take a step on that road, there's no turning back. But... the way you're feeling now, you're punishing yourself. You're punishing yourself for not going through with it, even though it's the thing you want most in the world. But don't you see? The result of that punishment is no different to the worst possible outcome. Nothing you can say to other people can make you feel worse than you do right now. And it may make you feel a whole lot better. Isn't that worth the risk? At the very least, you will know.

Although I'm inclined to believe that you might just get to a better place. Take the risk, sweetie. Just do it, okay? And then you will know.

*huggles*

In your picture you look young but what you write is beyond your years. Very thoughtful. very intelligent, very reassuring.

Dawn

[Abbiem]

If you can move somewhere where you feel happy about yourself, do it, no need to be near toxic ppl that drains you.

Dawn is very true what she said.

[Saira128]

      I tried to stop cutting myself. I was clean for 2 days. But, I had a bit of a set back yesterday.
      I talked about piercing my ears with my sister, and her reaction was very bad. She is already upset with me shaving my arms.
     I had a bad bout of depression. I couldn't sleep, couldn't feel anything. I again resorted to cutting myself.
     My arm is a mess. Nearly 30 cuts in a night. I have bandaged it now.
     Talking here helps. I'll try to go a week clean now.
     I have thrown away the blades.
   
     Its funny, a year ago, I remember getting sick, after being told to dissect a cadaver  in my anatomy class. I was told to locate the femoral artery in the thigh,  and I was on the verge of fainting.

    I guess, depression changes you as a person.

      Thank you everyone for your love and support. You all have been very patient.

     I wish, I could have friends like you in real life.

[Saira128]

Big hug! Have you tried non-scarring self harm? Holding ice, eating hot peppers, and cold baths are some things I've heard of.

Hugs, Devlyn

I tried the rubber band technique. I kept on snapping it, but I couldn't get enough of it.
   I'll try holding ice.

[Saira128]

I absolutely refuse to believe that hon. You are strong enough. You may not be able to see it right now, but I have seen, over the years, that people are capable of quite incredible things.

Let me ask you something. Do you think coming out to your parents would make you feel any worse than you do right now? All these things you don't feel you have the strength to do... would the outcome of doing them make you feel any lower than you do right at this moment?

If not... what do you have to lose?

I know the place you're at. It's a dark place. It's a place you feel paralzyed, and that paralysis is what's making you feel so bad.

Sweetie, listen. It's the not doing what you want that's making you feel horrible. And why is that? Because you're scared. You're scared that the reaction to what you want to do is going to make you feel horrible, right? Well... is that any worse? Isn't it worth at least trying? People can't make you feel any worse, and you never know... you might just get everything you ever hoped for.

I believe in you, okay? I know how scared you are. I know how it must feel like once you take a step on that road, there's no turning back. But... the way you're feeling now, you're punishing yourself. You're punishing yourself for not going through with it, even though it's the thing you want most in the world. But don't you see? The result of that punishment is no different to the worst possible outcome. Nothing you can say to other people can make you feel worse than you do right now. And it may make you feel a whole lot better. Isn't that worth the risk? At the very least, you will know.

Although I'm inclined to believe that you might just get to a better place. Take the risk, sweetie. Just do it, okay? And then you will know.

*huggles*

Omg, you are so, so right. Its so dark here.
    I am trying to build up courage.
     
     We don't really talk what we feel like, in my family. It has been like that for years. I don't remember having a heart to heart conversation with my parents for years. Its all so awkward.

[Dena]

I don't know if you can do it but for me the pressure built to the point that I had to come out or face serious self harm. I realize my only hope was to stop bottling it up and come out regardless of the consequences. You need to set a day, time or event when you will come out and not let it go beyond that.

[Rachel_Christina]

Saira, be strong, try hard not to ruin your body with those cutting marks, get some good anti scar stuff quick and look after the ones you have made! You will regret this.
As Dena says, its best to just come out with it now, regardless of consequences. Atleast you know who is on your side, then you cut them out of your life and you move on!
You need to live for you, right now you are living for your family and others, while you are getting more and more unhappy. You have to move fast with these things not just for the sake of transition, but for your mental health, you must keep moving or you will stagnate and depression will set in, its horribly hard to shake.
I wish you all the best! But its up to you to move forward, well unless I drive to India!

[Saira128]

Saira, be strong, try hard not to ruin your body with those cutting marks, get some good anti scar stuff quick and look after the ones you have made! You will regret this.
As Dena says, its best to just come out with it now, regardless of consequences. Atleast you know who is on your side, then you cut them out of your life and you move on!
You need to live for you, right now you are living for your family and others, while you are getting more and more unhappy. You have to move fast with these things not just for the sake of transition, but for your mental health, you must keep moving or you will stagnate and depression will set in, its horribly hard to shake.
I wish you all the best! But its up to you to move forward, well unless I drive to India!

Wish you could be here!