A question about Gender Dysphoria and HRT

[Veda]

Hi all, I'm not sure what to do and I would like some input.

The background:

I don't feel I have never suffered from Gender Dysphoria, at least not in the way I've seen described.  From a young age, I knew I was a girl, I just happened to have boy parts.  In my early teens, even at 10 and 11, I started wishing I was a 'real' girl, not because I felt having boy parts was bad, but just so others would recognize me as who I was and stop making me do boy things.

When I started middle school I shut off being myself and started being a 'boy' due to social pressure and fear.  There was no question of changing my gender identity, as in that time and place the concept simply did not exist.  I spent the next 30+ years staring at the abyss of depression, and got to the point where I completely forgot that I was acting at being a boy, and then a man.

There were a couple of times my true self resurfaced (like one glorious Halloween) but for the most part I remained buried.

About ten years ago I did a painting, not very good, but it always struck me as odd, and fun.  It is of a woman under water, done all with one tube of blue acrylic.  She is snorkeling while riding a scooter and is looking directly out of the canvas.

One day, a couple of years ago, I looked at it upon waking and thought, 'huh, that's me'.

Over the past few years, I have slowly come to terms with this, and the reestablishment that I am actually female.  It's quite amazing how many clues I left myself, I won't get into them here, but there were many.

Since about six months ago, I realized that I've been gradually coming out.  For these past few years I've been going over my life, being angry at the injustice, sad at my losses, guilty about my failures and proud of some of the things I accomplished.

The thing is I'm scared, but I'm very happy about the fact I know I will finally get to be myself.  Like starting some grand voyage.  I know there will be difficulties, but they will be nothing as compared to spending 30+ years in hell.  I'm starting to remember what joy is, and, well, I'm just coming out, no fanfare, no drama.  Well, a little drama

Here is the thing; I don't want GRS, but I do want to look and feel as feminine as I can, which means HRT.

I really don't feel I need counseling, I feel that HRT is just obvious, and thinking about waiting around for a therapist to realize I'm female is just frustrating. 

Has anyone experienced anything like this?  Is it possible to go to a doctor and just ask for HRT directly?

What's a girl to do?

Thanks!

[PrincessCrystal]

I'm at a similar point: I'm seeing a gender therapist for the first time later this week.  I don't know how much that's going to cost, or how many sessions I'm going to need before she sends me to an endocrinologist.  I'd rather just go get the pills now, be on them for a couple of months, and see how I feel about it then: my current psychologist at some point said it seemed like I was "rushing", but from my perspective, this has been an issue I've been putting aside for like, 10 years...  It's always been a life goal, I'm just now realizing that I need to be working right now to make it attainable...

My plan is to just keep moving forward, because whether it takes 1 session or 5, I'll eventually get where I need to be.  There's not much else I can do...

[Ms Grace]

It really depends on your local treatment requirements (informed consent). In some areas it is quite easy to acquire HRT treatment without a therapist sign off, in other areas it is next to impossible.

[Deborah]

I felt pretty much the same way.  I called a therapist and told them exactly what I wanted.  I did ask for an honest evaluation though to rule out insanity.  The HRT along with not cutting my hair for two years has greatly improved my mindset and made life a whole lot more livable.


It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves

[SophieD]

I went on HRT without any requirement for a therapist.  I was lucky in that there is a clinic here with extensive experience with treating transgender folk.  They did not impose a requirement for a psychotherapist's evaluation.  I've since had some therapy, but in my opinion if you don't feel a need for it, there's no point unless there is a "gatekeeper" thing going on. 

[HappyMoni]

Consider calling whoever you find who is close and works specifically with transgender people and ask that question. They should be able to give you an idea of what they typically do before you invest a lot of time with them.
Monica

[DawnOday]

Many of us have experiences like yours. I for one got married at 25, divorced at 28 because of crossdressing. I had knowledge of only two transexuals at the time. Christine Jorgenson and Rene Richards and not a clue how to approach such a thing as GRS. I too continued on trying to keep a false front. I did rather successfully. I got remarried (now32 years) had a Son and a Daughter. I reduced crossdressing while my kids were in school. Then in April I had an urge to investigate why I would have left the love of my life without a fight. We had so many firsts together that I would often tell people that Wen and me made memories, while Jo and I had slid into mundane day to day life.
I knew about my confusion because it has always been there since Kindergarten. Although at the time I just thought playing with girls was fun, playing dress up, and girl games like jacks and hop scotch. So I went to a therapist for the 7th time since 1984 and finally addressed the gorilla in the room. We discussed things that had never been revealed to anyone. I walked out of that session felling terrific. I went again about two weeks later and we discussed some more specifics. At the third session she gave me the authorization to begin HRT. I am transgender. I have always been. I found some research on DES that may explain why certain things are as they are. Http://desaction.org I was able to use this information when I first came out to ally any fears I was just a Perv which honestly is what I felt like. I wish I knew at the time and I never would have put Wen through that. Jo knew early in our relationship I crossdressed. I have now been on HRT for 4 1/2 months and have not felt better in a loooong loong time.

Dawn

[silliemunkie]

I went on HRT without any requirement for a therapist.  I was lucky in that there is a clinic here with extensive experience with treating transgender folk.  They did not impose a requirement for a psychotherapist's evaluation.  I've since had some therapy, but in my opinion if you don't feel a need for it, there's no point unless there is a "gatekeeper" thing going on.

Same here, it just took me a while to find them. My psychiatrist knows my thoughts, and approves of my treatment. She told me up front that it's not her specialty, and suggested I see someone else. We talk about it during my quarterly check-up, and she provides some advice.

[Veda]

Thank you all so much.

I'll start looking around some more, luckily I live in an area that is better than most for the trans community.

I also want to say that every time I get such a wonderful response from others like me it makes me feel like my heart heals that much more.

I would like to share a song, I hope no one minds; it is one of those 'little clues' I left myself.  Sometimes, when I was feeling the abyss more than usual, I would turn it up loud in my player and dance in the dark to it.

[KathyLauren]

Even if you are in an area where informed consent doctors are hard to find, a good therapist will figure out pretty quickly what you need.  Mine said, early in the first session, "You know exactly what you want, don't you?"  I sure did.  She had me all wrapped up and ready to go for HRT in three one-hour sessions.

I am glad I had those sessions.  It wasn't so much needing therapy as having someone objective to bounce my thoughts off and assure myself that I was not crazy.  That knowledge comes in handy when I have those inevitable "WTF am I doing?" moments.

[Veda]

Kathy Lauren,

The 'WTF moments'...

I have those, not very often, but I almost immediately have the the next 'WTF moment' saying to myself why am I having a 'WTF moment'? and they continue like that in cycles until they fade and I'm left back where I started.   There almost predictable with a mathematical precision, like a weighted spring bouncing up and down.

One of the ways I know I'm OK is that when I reach equilibrium I'm still female.