Gender dysphoria unshakable

[Justine]

Hi Everyone

I have been part of these forums for a long time, but only really posted once on here before. Previously my story was that I have had gender dysphoria for as long as i can remember, but that I was married and I tried my very best to shake it off for the sake of my wife. I met her at the age of 26 and at that stage I was still a virgin. I never really knew whether I would indeed enjoy being the masculine top in a sexual encounter. I never really felt natural being the masculine person in a sexual way. I have been with her for 10 years and was married to her for 4 years.

Throughout our relationship I struggled to try and play the role that I am supposed to play. I come from South Africa, and over here it is very difficult for transgender people to express themselves without ridicule. Because of this I have always hidden my dysphoria from everyone as well as possible. I continued to hide it, although it became more and more difficult as I went along. I wanted to lead a normal life if possible, and I wanted to at least have some friends, and feared that if I showed anything, nobody would want anything to do with me. This is what I carried into our marriage with the hopes that I could possibly shake the dysphoria, and live a normal life.

For 10 years I went through the same pattern of going into femme mode secretly, feeling an overwhelming urge to feminize myself for weeks at a time. She thought that at stages I was metrosexual, as I would go into very intensive skincare routines and I would sometimes shave, or pluck my eyebrows. I so desperately wanted to go all out, but I would try to do these things so that people won't notice and start asking too many questions.

I went on frequent stints of self medication including Spearmint,Spironolactone, Finasteride and also Estrogen. I only went on the Estrogen secretly for about 2 weeks, and I remember how I felt like I was on cloud 9. Everything on Estrogen just felt so right, and my thoughts and perception of things around me was so clear. I cried when I forced myself to stop taking it. I just wanted to see if it feels like it works with me. I knew I couldn't keep on taking it, as it would've destoyed our marriage. I also felt dreadful for my parents, as they are very good people and have had a lot of hurt in their lives. So i forced myself to stop, and I was really heart broken over that.

After 8 years of being with my wife I started really struggling to maintain a sexual relationship with her. I did not want to be the top, but instead craved to be a bottom. I still loved her, and would've done anything for her, but I just felt that it was getting increasingly difficult to maintain this persona. In male mode I feel almost completely asexual. I can notice a good looking woman, but I do not crave to be with her. I also don't see myself as gay, since 2 hairy men together do not really do it for me. I have always had fantasies of being female and then being with a man that can protect and cherish me.

After 2 more years of struggling to maintain the proper sexual relations with her, she walked out on me. I think she might've met someone else. I know that it is my fault, but I still cannot bear to tell my parents about my dysphoria that I have had since childhood. I feel like moving to a completely different place, and starting over there. I am worried for my job, as I have a manager's position at a international company. I think they are trans friendly, but because of my status as manager, I don't know how well the team will react to me transitioning.

I am so tired of of going through stints of feminizing myself, and then just as I start to get good results I have to turn on it, and try to maintain a male image by growing a beard, or getting a male haircut. Every time I make some progress, and start to feel better about myself I tell myself to try and man up, so that I can try and keep everyone happy. Even now, as I only have a couple of people left in my life, I still force myself to try and stop, to try and hide, and in doing so keep my best friend, or my parents from the truth. I am so tired of following this pattern..

There are just so many obstacles out there. I doubt myself so much. I am 6ft tall, and wear a UK men's size 9 shoe. I also tried to pick up weights to make myself better and more of a manly husband for my wife, so now I sit with some extra muscle that I hate. I have a relatively big skeletal structure. On the other hand I have practiced different looks with makeup. I have a very good fashion sense, and I am positive that I can look quite presentable. I would like to have facial feminization surgery done for my brows, eyes and nose.

I am seriously considering selling my house, and moving to a different city. I would have to give up a very good job, and look around for a job. I will probably face ridicule for the rest of my life, but right now that is beginning to sound better than what I currently have. I will probably need new friends, as I would not have any support structure  and I know that my emotions will be all over the place once I start finally being myself, and casting off the old self. I am already turning 37 this year. I would've been so much prettier if I transitioned earlier. I don't know how some people manage to transition so early.

Since my wife left me I have started smoking again. I will have to stop before I can even think of taking any E again. I have some Estrofem left that I purchased online. I know self medicating is not good, but previously I didn't have options, and I meticulously researched each medication before taking it. I will have to lose a lot of weight. I know it will be a long road ahead, but if I could just somehow bring myself to wander down the road that has been so elusive over the years. I am so scared, confused and alone. My parents are such good people, and I feel so bad, especially what it would do to my dad.

Thanks for reading my story, and apologies if it is a bit patchy and all over the place. I am not used to telling this to anyone. I just feel like I need some like minded people to see my story.

[IzzyM]

Hi Justine,

Your story is very similar to mine but I am still with my wife.  The advice that was given to me was to see a therapist that has experience dealing with transgender issues.  If you can't find one locally there are some who are willing to see you on skype.  This can be a step that no one else needs to know about and will help you start to work through your feelings before you make any drastic changes such as leaving your job, moving to another city or start hormones without medical supervision.

Izzy

[Justine]

Hi Izzy

Thank you very much for the reply. I will take your advice and do some research to get hold of a local therapist. Hope things work out well for you with your own situation. Have you spoken to a therapist yet?

[Rikigirl]

Hi Izzy,

Your story is similar to mine and many others! What to do about that cycle is yours but talking it through with a gender therapist will help. Maybe you could get a transfer to another city or country within you company and make the change to the new position. I know many mtf trans people who have done this!

Good luck with your journey!

Riki

[Sephirah]

You're not alone, Justine. Okay? You have a giant support network here, should you ever need it. I know it isn't the same thing, but this site and the people on it are here for you whenever you need. *hugs*

Something else I wanted to say: no blame, okay? If these feelings were something you could turn off and forget about then I think a great many people would do it rather than transition. You are who you are, sweetie. And that's no more your fault than it is you having two arms or two legs.

Definitely try to get hold of a therapist if you are able, and talk things through with them. But just know that making this post has shown more strength of character than maybe you thought you were capable of. It's a step. A big step. Be proud of yourself, okay? And take it one step at a time. You will get there. *hugs*

[bluepaint]

Justine,
First of all I have to complement you on post! Your obviously very intelligent and you express yourself so well! 
What can be said that you havent already figured out for yourself? Well, maybe this? Often life brings us to a crossing point where we see where we are at and although difficult, we see what also needs to be if we are to be happy and it sounds like you are at that point where these are obvious to you and have been for long time now!
It is hard to "come out" to those we think might react negatively but above all those close to us, that love us like our parents, can transcend situations like this! I read a recent story of a young transboy who had been self abusing for many years and had attempted suicide (which sadly many of our trans youth do in trying to deal with this issue!) and the father's comment touched me deeply, he said " id rather have a relationship with my son than to bury my daughter!" obviously in regards to his son being FtM.
As I mentioned before, It sounds like you've evaluated your present circumstances and  know where your at and where you wish to be? now really (with courage )its mostly mechanical, find a therapist and start putting in action what you know already is the road that will bring you ultimately to your happiness!  blessings![emoji177]Julie

Note: I can understand your concerns about living in South Africa (Aversion program and all) not the most tolerant of countries for anything Lgbt ! Im glad that where your work is trans friendly at least! 
Its important to keep your job regardless (health insurance) and finances to make transition smoother! J.

[Justine]

Thank you so much for the replies!

You're not alone, Justine. Okay? You have a giant support network here, should you ever need it. I know it isn't the same thing, but this site and the people on it are here for you whenever you need. *hugs*

Something else I wanted to say: no blame, okay? If these feelings were something you could turn off and forget about then I think a great many people would do it rather than transition. You are who you are, sweetie. And that's no more your fault than it is you having two arms or two legs.

Definitely try to get hold of a therapist if you are able, and talk things through with them. But just know that making this post has shown more strength of character than maybe you thought you were capable of. It's a step. A big step. Be proud of yourself, okay? And take it one step at a time. You will get there. *hugs*

Thank you very much for the words of encouragement Sephirah. 

It really helps to see someone say that. To know that there is at least someone out there that can listen to my problems, and understand where I'm coming from. I appreciate it so much! 

Justine,
First of all I have to complement you on post! Your obviously very intelligent and you express yourself so well! 
What can be said that you havent already figured out for yourself? Well, maybe this? Often life brings us to a crossing point where we see where we are at and although difficult, we see what also needs to be if we are to be happy and it sounds like you are at that point where these are obvious to you and have been for long time now!
It is hard to "come out" to those we think might react negatively but above all those close to us, that love us like our parents, can transcend situations like this! I read a recent story of a young transboy who had been self abusing for many years and had attempted suicide (which sadly many of our trans youth do in trying to deal with this issue!) and the father's comment touched me deeply, he said " id rather have a relationship with my son than to bury my daughter!" obviously in regards to his son being FtM.
As I mentioned before, It sounds like you've evaluated your present circumstances and  know where your at and where you wish to be? now really (with courage )its mostly mechanical, find a therapist and start putting in action what you know already is the road that will bring you ultimately to your happiness!  blessings![emoji177]Julie

Note: I can understand your concerns about living in South Africa (Aversion program and all) not the most tolerant of countries for anything Lgbt ! Im glad that where your work is trans friendly at least! 
Its important to keep your job regardless (health insurance) and finances to make transition smoother! J.

Thank you so much for the nice compliments and wishes Julie! 

I know I have to find the courage from somewhere to come out. My biggest problem is that my parents have been through so much suffering in life already. My sister got very sick at a young age with a brain tumor. They had to face that problem, and to this day they have to look after her. My older brother gave them problems of his own, and as such, I have always felt that I have to be the one to make them proud. What I do realize is that I have been doing everything to make everyone else happy for my whole life, at the expense of my own happiness. I just still cannot bring it over myself to hurt them by doing this. I feel like I would rather move away, and try to hide it from them for as long as possible. I really love them, and will feel so bad to do this to them. 

Another issue is that I might also rather want to start at a new job. Although my current company is trans friendly, I work in the IT department, and I do not feel like the people in the current environment will find it easy to accept me. I also feel that it is going to look like I lied to everyone the whole time. I wonder how that will impact my professional relationship with them. The company might be able to get me a transfer overseas, and that might be another option. I just know that I will be going through a tough time, and that I will not have much support if I did move away.

I have so many hard decisions to make. I am just so tired of not being able to live my life aligned with how I feel inside. I have so much respect for any of you girls who have made these types of decisions! Good luck to all of you, and I hope that anyone out there with similar issues find their happiness in life. 

[Denise]

Thank you so much for the replies!

Thank you very much for the words of encouragement Sephirah. 

It really helps to see someone say that. To know that there is at least someone out there that can listen to my problems, and understand where I'm coming from. I appreciate it so much! 


Thank you so much for the nice compliments and wishes Julie! 

I know I have to find the courage from somewhere to come out. My biggest problem is that my parents have been through so much suffering in life already. My sister got very sick at a young age with a brain tumor. They had to face that problem, and to this day they have to look after her. My older brother gave them problems of his own, and as such, I have always felt that I have to be the one to make them proud. What I do realize is that I have been doing everything to make everyone else happy for my whole life, at the expense of my own happiness. I just still cannot bring it over myself to hurt them by doing this. I feel like I would rather move away, and try to hide it from them for as long as possible. I really love them, and will feel so bad to do this to them. 

Another issue is that I might also rather want to start at a new job. Although my current company is trans friendly, I work in the IT department, and I do not feel like the people in the current environment will find it easy to accept me. I also feel that it is going to look like I lied to everyone the whole time. I wonder how that will impact my professional relationship with them. The company might be able to get me a transfer overseas, and that might be another option. I just know that I will be going through a tough time, and that I will not have much support if I did move away.

I have so many hard decisions to make. I am just so tired of not being able to live my life aligned with how I feel inside. I have so much respect for any of you girls who have made these types of decisions! Good luck to all of you, and I hope that anyone out there with similar issues find their happiness in life. 

Justine,

I work in the IT department for a large company.  I'm out to my team and honestly they don't care.  Let me say that again THEY DON'T CARE.  Sure you'll be self conscience about it for a while but very quickly I suspect you'll get over it.

If things get bad or you are uncomfortable, get a new job later.  Depending upon where you are, working in a LGBT friendly company is a huge plus.

Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

[Rikigirl]

Funny, I have 35 years in IT!

Riki

[KathyLauren]

If your workplace is trans-friendly and you are in IT, those are two things working in your favour.  In general, IT people care only that you can do the job.  And a trans-friendly company should care that you can do the job and that you have a comfortable working environment.  If true, that is pure gold! 

I would suggest trying to stay with them if that is at all possible.  A place to start might be to research the company's written policy on trans employees.

[Janes Groove]

First. 1. Welcome to the club. 2. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with you.   And WOW!  Have you ever found the right place for you to be right now!  Right here.  Sounds like your mind is going 100 mph in a 5 mph zone.  Believe me. Been there. Just remember this magic mantra that a dearly departed friend once gave to me. "Breathe."  Just repeat it to yourself when things start to get to be too much.  You are not going to fix all of these things you are concerned about right away so don't even try.  You have pretty much touched on all the major hurdles that we face.  That for us seem so insurmountable at times.  The old saying. "Q. How do  you eat an elephant? A. One bite at a time."

Also, 1st priority - get a good gender therapist. 2. Stop the self medicating (actually make that your 1st priority).  You could be harming your future prospects for a happy transition.  Do it right.   This is like a marathon, not a sprint. You have years and years ahead of you to transition and to enjoy.   It really is a wonderful journey.  At your age you have a world of time ahead of you to work with.  Think of it as going back to school and getting a second college degree.  And it is totally OK to start your transition without anybody else having to know what's going on and you can come out when you're ready. At your own pace.

Maybe this current thread might be helpful for you to read: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218094.20/topicseen.html

Just reading thru your post and the history you described this really sounds like something you need and have needed for some time. There is no shame.  It's totally natural.  And again I'm so happy for you that you found this place.

[Justine]

Justine,

I work in the IT department for a large company.  I'm out to my team and honestly they don't care.  Let me say that again THEY DON'T CARE.  Sure you'll be self conscience about it for a while but very quickly I suspect you'll get over it.

If things get bad or you are uncomfortable, get a new job later.  Depending upon where you are, working in a LGBT friendly company is a huge plus.

Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

Hi Denise

I am glad you got accepted in your company. My problem where I am at right now is that I got promoted and then moved to the factory branch of the company. Much less people in a more macho type environment. I think that I should maybe try to keep it low profile there for a while longer, then save up some money for everything I will need to transition.. Maybe then get a transfer in the same company to an overseas branch. I think I need to eventually move away from my parents or current situation so that I can fully transition.

Funny, I have 35 years in IT!

Riki

Hi Riki

That is a really long time, wow! I only have about 11 years..

If your workplace is trans-friendly and you are in IT, those are two things working in your favour.  In general, IT people care only that you can do the job.  And a trans-friendly company should care that you can do the job and that you have a comfortable working environment.  If true, that is pure gold! 

I would suggest trying to stay with them if that is at all possible.  A place to start might be to research the company's written policy on trans employees.

Hi Kathy

I can do a request to possibly try and get a transfer to a more trans friendly country within the same company. I am not sure if it will work, but could perhaps look at doing that in the future.. They are a cosmetics company and I get some products free sometimes  . I don't want to say their name.. 

First. 1. Welcome to the club. 2. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with you.   And WOW!  Have you ever found the right place for you to be right now!  Right here.  Sounds like your mind is going 100 mph in a 5 mph zone.  Believe me. Been there. Just remember this magic mantra that a dearly departed friend once gave to me. "Breathe."  Just repeat it to yourself when things start to get to be too much.  You are not going to fix all of these things you are concerned about right away so don't even try.  You have pretty much touched on all the major hurdles that we face.  That for us seem so insurmountable at times.  The old saying. "Q. How do  you eat an elephant? A. One bite at a time."

Also, 1st priority - get a good gender therapist. 2. Stop the self medicating (actually make that your 1st priority).  You could be harming your future prospects for a happy transition.  Do it right.   This is like a marathon, not a sprint. You have years and years ahead of you to transition and to enjoy.   It really is a wonderful journey.  At your age you have a world of time ahead of you to work with.  Think of it as going back to school and getting a second college degree.  And it is totally OK to start your transition without anybody else having to know what's going on and you can come out when you're ready. At your own pace.

Maybe this current thread might be helpful for you to read: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218094.20/topicseen.html

Just reading thru your post and the history you described this really sounds like something you need and have needed for some time. There is no shame.  It's totally natural.  And again I'm so happy for you that you found this place.

Hi Jane Emily

Thank you so much for your kind response. It feels so good to have some support from someone that has been there and gone through it. I have stopped self medicating for now. I will first get a therapist before I continue. I currently feel so down since I am trying to be in boy mode. I cut my hair by a barber before Christmas to try and blend in at the family. It is way too short and I also have some beard. I usually try to ignore it, so that I can fit in, but I am so tired of seeing myself like this. It feels so wrong and sad to look at my face and see this masculine reflection staring back. It seems like such a long and perilous road lies ahead. That is not the problem though, the problem is that I've been withheld from getting on it for such a long time.

I will take your advice to tell myself to breathe in moments like these. I want my hair to grow a little bit before I go to the therapist. I look so mean and butch right now and I just hate it. Me and my wife are also yet to complete the divorce papers. She has moved out about 3 months or so ago, and as such I also want to completely clear my head, and then go to therapist.

[bluepaint]

its interesting that when you read the thoughts of others trans persons in posts and comments, you see how extremely intelligent and sensitive they are maybe in comparison most generally! We are the kind of people that just dont charge into something without having considered the situation carefully and all possibilities outcome, sadly this is also what keep us trying to keep things together our lives, not wanting it all to come appart and mostly not wanting to cause any pain to those we love so we continue living a life that can be intolerable in order not to cause any disturbances of any kind!
It says a lot about us since we put others before our happiness but these circumstance weren't our doing and we cant just "not be" being ghosts not living life and life is so short! Everyone deserves happiness, the others around at least are who they are and never have to consider what we need to and thats great but that should be for us too! 
Think a minute,  if the shoe was on the other foot, would you blame someone close to you if they explained that they felt what your feeling? Could you deny them or reject them for needing to be themselves especially after you find out they have been suffering all those years? something to think about!  hugs! [emoji177]Julie


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[Justine]

its interesting that when you read the thoughts of others trans persons in posts and comments, you see how extremely intelligent and sensitive they are maybe in comparison most generally! We are the kind of people that just dont charge into something without having considered the situation carefully and all possibilities outcome, sadly this is also what keep us trying to keep things together our lives, not wanting it all to come appart and mostly not wanting to cause any pain to those we love so we continue living a life that can be intolerable in order not to cause any disturbances of any kind!
It says a lot about us since we put others before our happiness but these circumstance weren't our doing and we cant just "not be" being ghosts not living life and life is so short! Everyone deserves happiness, the others around at least are who they are and never have to consider what we need to and thats great but that should be for us too! 
Think a minute,  if the shoe was on the other foot, would you blame someone close to you if they explained that they felt what your feeling? Could you deny them or reject them for needing to be themselves especially after you find out they have been suffering all those years? something to think about!  hugs! [emoji177]Julie

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Thanks for another fresh perspective! It really helps to get this type of advice.


I was wondering whether I shouldn't maybe take some herbal supplements for the time being to prevent my MPB from progressing more. I read that Red Reishi could help, and I know that Spearmint also helps to reduce free testosterone in the body. I just want to get my hair to grow into a little bit of a less military man style before I go to the therapist. First impressions count, and I feel that I want to prepare myself a little bit better before I go. I am also thinking of taking a natural supplement for hair growth so that I can maybe speed it up a little.

As I said previously, I just look so masculine right now. I am starting an exercise routine to lose some weight, and I also want to cut protein and go on a vegetarian diet for a while. I want to lose muscle and belly fat. I feel that I can start doing these things while I wait for the correct time to see the therapist. At least in this way I am doing some steps to get away from this horrible male image that I have created in the last month to fit in at the family.

Thank you so much to everyone's responses and support on this thread. 

[IzzyM]

What is it about us girls and IT.  I have been in IT for over 25 years.  Possibly it is a career choice where you don't have to be so masculine?

I made myself a promise that I would find a therapist in the new year so I am currently researching therapists in my area who have experience with transgender clients.  Because I live in London there are a few so the bigger question is how do you choose who to approach and how to make that approach.  Maybe I do overthink these things sometimes but it feels like a big step so I want it to work.

I will update when I make my appointment.

Hugs

Izzy

[Justine]

What is it about us girls and IT.  I have been in IT for over 25 years.  Possibly it is a career choice where you don't have to be so masculine?

I made myself a promise that I would find a therapist in the new year so I am currently researching therapists in my area who have experience with transgender clients.  Because I live in London there are a few so the bigger question is how do you choose who to approach and how to make that approach.  Maybe I do overthink these things sometimes but it feels like a big step so I want it to work.

I will update when I make my appointment.

Hugs

Izzy

I also feel like the approach will be a big step, and same as you, I want it to go well so badly. Good luck in finding the right therapist, let's hope we both do! . I will also update once I get to that point..   

[Janes Groove]

You really don't have to worry about how masculine you appear or prove to your therapist that you are trans by the way you look physically (As a side note.  Transgender History 101.  Trans women actually did have to do that back in the 1960s. But thankfully, those days are long gone.)  We MTFs.  All of us.  Start out our transitions as male.  An experienced therapist will have seen the same thing lots of times before.   I was just reading this other current thread where a 20 y/o FTM is dealing with exactly the same issue:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218449.0/topicseen.html

Things I'm paranoid about:
-not being written a letter for hormones because I'm not "trans" enough/not being diagnosed with GID

and some really good advice:

Describe how you feel about being gendered male, versus how you feel about being gendered female.  The difference should be stark enough to make it perfectly clear exactly who you are.