Looking like an attractive member of your birth sex?

[AlyssaJ]

So I'm on the road and today I wore a brand new suit that I had purchased the last time I was in New York.  It's a nice designer suit, well tailored to my body.  I looked in the mirror before leaving the hotel room today and what I saw looking back at me was a very nice looking man.  Clean shaven, youthful undercut hair, diamond stud earrings and a great well cut suit on someone who's in reasonably good shape. It was an amazingly conflicting moment for me and I'm not sure how to process everything I'm feeling. 

Before I go any further, I presently identify as Genderfuid but am still exploring my gender identity.  Lately I've been struggling as I've come to realize I identify with many of the things expressed by TS's who've transitioned to female. I've been more seriously considering the possibility that I might be TS than at any point previously in my life.

So seeing the image I did in the mirror was pretty jarring and for a number of reasons. First, there was some disappointment that I could look so good as a male. It seemed almost like somewhere inside I've been hoping to discover I am truly female and this was proof that I wasn't. While it was disappointing, there was also a part of me that seemed to still revel in the fact that I looked good. I could write that off to decades of social conditioning but I'm not sure.  Either way, the realization that I felt that way further enforced the idea that I might truly value looking masculine in the same ways I value looking feminine. So again, this was conflicting and somewhat saddening as it seemed to confirm that I'm not fully female in my identity but truly genderfluid instead. Like I said, almost like I've been hoping to be the former.

Does any of this make sense to you folks?  Has anyone experienced similar conflict and confusion?  I'm shocked that I wouldn't be more happy about things that would seemed to confirm my genderfluid identity.  I have no idea why it feels like I've been hoping to discover I'm female at my core.  I'm totally lost right now and feel like a confused freak who simply can't make up their mind. Am I a man, am I a woman, am I fluid?  I feel like I'm farther from the answer than I was yesterday and I'm freaking out about it.  Can anyone tell me if you've been through something like this?  I'd love to feel a little more normal about it.

[Denise]

Kinda.  But let me say that if you even notice your gender and you are even considering gender while looking in the  mirror, then you are, at some level, transgender.  CIS people don't think like that.

A good gender therapist would help you get to the bottom of it.

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[Raell]

I'm gender fluid, androgynous, partial transmale, non-binary, whatever label you like, but I'm the same way.

Somewhat.

When I'm in male mode, I can sometimes see my female image in the mirror in a detached way and think, "Whatta good looking babe!" Or, alternately, I can see my female face as being a young man, and think, "What a handsome young man I am!"

Yet, before I started taking a Thai herb, derris scandens, to blend my gender sides, I couldn't find my face in the mirror..the female face was a stranger to me. I didn't relate to it. My body seemed deformed, revolting.

Now I can appreciate my body, and think to myself that no matter which gender I am, I have a nice, fit, slender body.

But recently I started taking half the derris scandens dose because I thought it might irritate my stomach, and the effects wore off on the way home from work. Suddenly I felt like a freak, and almost wanted to hide since I felt neither male nor female but some sort of anomaly. I quickly distracted myself by thinking of my list of things to do, and the feeling passed.

[KathyLauren]

I agree that a therapist would help you to sort this out.

I thought I was a pretty handsome guy.  I was recently at a fundraising gala dinner where, though I am out to the organizers, I was presenting male because it was a public event.  I wore a tux, and I must say, I cleaned up pretty well.  And I enjoyed looking good, even though it didn't feel like the real me.

When I dress female, I think I look pretty fair, especially considering that I am pre-HRT.  I have a decent fashion sense, aided by my wife, and quite a nice wardrobe, so I can make a good impression, even if it is just for the support group or medical professionals so far.  Again I enjoy looking good, but on these occasions, it feels like me.

You look good because you take care of yourself and you value making a good impression.  That has nothing to do with gender; it is just who you are.  Of course you are going to look good, no matter how you present.

What matters is not how you look, but how you feel.  Do you feel more like yourself when presenting as male or female?  Or do you feel about the same either way?  Those questions will be more revealing than what you see in the mirror.

Me, I get a warm fuzzy buzz when I notice my earrings in the mirror and see myself as Kathy.  It is not the earrings that tell me who I am, it's the buzz.

[Michelle_P]

The last time I was in male drag, around 3 weeks ago for a meeting where I was required to appear as a male, I felt very odd, as though I were pretending to be something I'm not.  I even had that old anxiety about being caught out that I once had when I first started presenting as myself in public!

It was a very strange experience.


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[AlyssaJ]

I appreciate the thoughts.  First, just to clear things up, I'm about 3 months into working with a therapist.  We're still peeling back layers.  When I first went to see her I was pretty convinced I was non-binary/genderfluid.  I felt like I had a gender identity the flows back and forth across the full spectrum.

Some of my recent confusion however, stems from the fact that as we pull back those layers, I'm finding that a lot of the things I thought I valued about being male were really just things I was conditioned to value by society's gender expectations. As we've gone along and I've done more research as well as allowed myself to consider all possibilities as valid, I've found more emotional connection to the stories being told be TS's than I would ever have previously admitted.

Karen, your post really was exactly the perspective I needed.  You put it perfectly as far as appearance versus feeling and the feeling of pride in one's appearance.  I appreciate you sharing that and your experiences as well.f

[bluepaint]

Well Im not sure exactly what about you that made you feel attractive Lisa or if it had so much to do with looking masculine even in male suit?  Interesting point that i've posted a few times in different threads about physical appearance. In my studies in fine arts and particularly life drawing, as an artist Im trained to find perfect proportions as was done in classic art in the past and in nature we see these proportions and they present themselves in humans as well and Im sure as most of you have experienced with movie actors in models in what we find attractive, these portions have to do with symmetry ie eye spacing lip position ect... whats considered attractive is the same in both men and women! So looking masculine (I guess if you trow in hair style, or facial hair and the suit) but being an attractive person has little to do with what we consider feminine or masculine features! Features that differentiate the sexes come into play in sexual attraction!
http://legacy.jyi.org/volumes/volume6/issue6/features/feng.html

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[warlockmaker]

Like you, when I looked in the mirror, which was evertime I could including reflections on display windows, I saw a hot looking male. I always dressed andrognisly and always clean shaven with long hair. I was often mistaken as gay. Was a total ladies man, married 4 times to models and movie stars. I was ok with this look for decades but as I aged the power of an exceptionally high T count and an influx of TG information made me question my gender identity. Saw a few therapists for 3 years to help me understand who I am.

Today, I'm happily a female. Hot looking and at peace. I fufilled all my duties to my family and became a female at 67 years old. No regrets and have incorporated my life as a male to the person I am today. I live in Bangkok and live a similar life of social functions, as before, and enjoying a busy city life.