Torn and confused

[FireWolf]

I'm a male to female trans living with my trans boyfriend. We've known each other since high school (4-5 years now) and I even moved away in after the second or so year. We have no insurance, no money to see a therapist of any kind, but we get by just fine. Or we used to at least.

We're fine financially, what I mean by used to get along just fine is I'm having a very hard time... living? I'm not sure how to put it. We both have our own issues we deal with and try to help each other with, but this time I can't seem to feel better and he doesn't know what to do.

For the past few days I've been feeling a little down. Normally I would let it be and go about my days the way I normally would knowing it would go away after a few days or so. This has turned into a month long issue and it's really starting to bother me.

After dealing with dysphoria, clothes, seeing other girls, pictures, my mind, etc., I'm normally in a decent place. I know I'm dealing with depression (haven't been diagnosed) so it doesn't really help. I have a few escapes I normally keep just in case it gets really bad, but lately they have not been working.

So here's my issue, I've been feeling torn, as if many different things inside me are having a tug of war with my soul and it's starting to tear. The things consist of being trans, how my family will react and adjust (if they'll adjust at all) or if I'll be hated, how my boyfriend's family will treat me because his family is somewhat positive and negative about it (depends on the person), being in public, etc. Another one is how trans is trans for me? Like I know I'm a girl, there's no question about that and I do want my body to match, but it's like the kind of girl I am? No, it's more questioning if this girl is really me. There's another one that questions if I'm even human. I know it sounds funny, but I feel like my spirit or soul is something greater. It's hard to explain, like I know I am human, otherwise why would I feel the need to change? There's also questioning whether or not living is worth it. I am suicidal, and I know that term cannot be used lightly. Strangely enough, I'm serious about it. I wasn't as bad as I am now, but it seems it's getting worse and I can't seem to see the point in carrying on. I mean, why accomplish anything if we're only going to pass anyways? I don't seem to enjoy anything anymore and I'm always getting frustrated and mad all the time.

I feel as if there is more to this, but I can't seem to word it. I hope I explained my dilemma somewhat clearly... Any ideas on what to do? I'm lost and confused.

[bluepaint]

wowzers! Im getting confused myself just reading all the different issues you mentioned your dealing with! What does come out clear and loud is that you need to find professional guidance and support in order to help you sort out all those things especially if you having suicidal thoughts! You situation sounds very complicated! blessings! [emoji177]


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[Dena]

The solution is to start moving forward. You need to make a plan and unfortunately you don't have nearly enough information for me to make a basic one. Thoughts that come to mind is upgrade your employment so you can afford treatment, do a budget targeting excessive spending, living part or full time, informed consent, locating a therapist that will treat you on a sliding scale or seeing if government assistance is available to you. The worst part of being transgender is the feeling that you aren't going anywhere and the solution is to start small and start knocking the items off the list one at a time.

[FireWolf]

I wish I could change the employment, but as it stands, only my boyfriend is working because I am currently going to college. As it stands we live paycheck to paycheck (going to change since xmas just passed and that was the reason for us being so low on money). We've tried to find local places to go to talk to people but there is just no one in the area taking on new patients (transgenders) where we live in. We have to use a bus to get around, so traveling just isn't going to work for us. We've really dug ourselves a deep hole and we've almost scratched all the edges away.

[Dena]

You have a plan with college if you are taking a major that will provide sufficient income. For some of us, the transition is more difficult because we need gain the skills we need in life before we can transition. Many of the members on the site took years to construct their new life. In my case, I knew at 13, learned programming in college and didn't find the right therapist until I was about 27. I was battling depression constantly but the only  way to survive was to keep working toward a transition. In your case, with the correct education, you should be able to start HRT fairly soon after school.

There is one other option you might explore. Student health services in many colleges offer transgender support. You might see what your school can offer as you are already paying for the services with your tuition.

[FireWolf]

I'm taking networking so our educations are similar. I'm unsure if they'll be able to cover anything since I declined the initial yearly fee because we simply could not afford it (this included dental, health, and all the other fun stuff), but I will look into talking to a counselor. I think's it's frustrating because I feel the need to change now, I'm sure you know what I mean. Considering I'm only 19 (until the 22 of this month), I like to think I'm doing pretty good since I have a house of my own already, even if I'm only renting, and can live without anyone else's help. I feel I have a much bigger advantage over others, but it doesn't change my situation in a way that I'm still struggling to find someone to talk to about all of this. I also feel that going to talk to people about this is also a major risk. I read an interesting topic on Facebook a moment ago about transgenders not being able to open up to doctors due to their tendencies to claim it's either in their head, or to send them directly to therapy to try and make them think they're wrong. After reading I don't feel as comfortable just blatantly walking in and explaining everything just to be picked at. 

[Dena]

I just posted about this in another thread but this is a self diagnosed condition and the doctor should be a partner and not a gate keeper. If the doctor is not a partner, find another one. To get a feel what a therapy session might be like, look at "the transition channel" .

I don't know if you can take a part time job but if you can, that might supplement your income. My nephew is working for a gas station and they are willing to give him his choice of work hours so he can squeeze work in around his schedule. When I was transitioning, I figured eating out was the most expensive thing I could do so I cooked almost everything I ate. Transitioning takes a boat load of money but as it's pay as you go, sometimes there are ways to make it work.

As for talking with people, this is a safe place to do it. We are fairly hard on people who get out of line here as this is a medical information site and not a social site. If somebody should give you a hard time, just hit the report to moderator button on the post and we will take care of it.

[FireWolf]

This helps a lot. I'll make a plan based on the information that was shared and hope to find a solution soon thank you so much for the help.