Loneliness

[jingling_void]

Even though i've accepted being trans and now present fully as male 24/7 I still feel detached from other people. It's so weird.. like the room could be full yet I'd still feel low. Maybe it's because I've been losing friends left right and center. Would going to a group be more beneficial?? 

[Kylo]

Losing friends is kinda painful, but you can always make more of them, at least. You can always "start over" if the old is just not compatible with the new.

One of the things I noticed since starting all this is that I feel more strongly now that I am different and isolated. I never thought transition would solve it or anything, but it's a more pointed feeling than it was. I don't know if it can be fixed with more interaction - in some ways in the past I suspected I was different but now I know for sure and that feeling is going to follow me everywhere to some degree. I'm not sure yet how I will feel in 5 years, 10 years, or how exactly I will deal. Personally I don't feel me mixing with other trans people or support groups will make a difference to that, but I'm not you or other folks. I would suggest trying all avenues to see what helps. Might as well?

[lostcharlie]

Joining a group is sure worth a try. Give it a chance you'll never know how it may benefit you until you try. Your comment "like the room could be full yet I'd still feel low" struck a real cord with me. I've had the feeling of "being alone in a room full of people" my entire life. Best wishes for a bright future.

[jingling_void]

Losing friends is kinda painful, but you can always make more of them, at least. You can always "start over" if the old is just not compatible with the new.

One of the things I noticed since starting all this is that I feel more strongly now that I am different and isolated. I never thought transition would solve it or anything, but it's a more pointed feeling than it was. I don't know if it can be fixed with more interaction - in some ways in the past I suspected I was different but now I know for sure and that feeling is going to follow me everywhere to some degree. I'm not sure yet how I will feel in 5 years, 10 years, or how exactly I will deal. Personally I don't feel me mixing with other trans people or support groups will make a difference to that, but I'm not you or other folks. I would suggest trying all avenues to see what helps. Might as well?

Thanks, Kylo it really helped to put it in another perspective. Yeah, I agree maybe social interaction isn't enough but I think it probs couldn't help to mix with people who are supportive. I guess I will always be 'different' it makes me wonder what I'd be like if I wasn't trans and born biologically male. Sometimes I just loathe that fact because I don't feel like a 'real man' in the sense that I'm born w. a body different from my gender. It's all up in the air tbh

[jingling_void]

Joining a group is sure worth a try. Give it a chance you'll never know how it may benefit you until you try. Your comment "like the room could be full yet I'd still feel low" struck a real cord with me. I've had the feeling of "being alone in a room full of people" my entire life. Best wishes for a bright future.

Yeah, I think I have a group going on this friday. It's for older people but we play bingo and cards. I go with the carehome staff but maybe I should try hanging out with people of my age group? I was thinking about joining a sports group. It's been ages since I've played a sport.

[Kylo]

Thanks, Kylo it really helped to put it in another perspective. Yeah, I agree maybe social interaction isn't enough but I think it probs couldn't help to mix with people who are supportive. I guess I will always be 'different' it makes me wonder what I'd be like if I wasn't trans and born biologically male. Sometimes I just loathe that fact because I don't feel like a 'real man' in the sense that I'm born w. a body different from my gender. It's all up in the air tbh

Np. It probably couldn't hurt to see if a group help you.

What strikes me is that even as a kid I knew I was different but there wasn't the knowledge that other people don't have to deal with the same problems to ferment a sense of bitterness back then. It's like the difference between thinking you might have a problem, and knowing you had one from day one and it might as well have been fate for all the control we have over it. When you get diagnosed with this thing and you know it's true anyway, then you know and it can't be unknown and that's tough to deal with. That said, I know cis people who are sad and lonely too, just for different reasons - seems like we all have our demons and our burdens, no matter what. It sucks to be in this position but at least when you think about it, you already know the territory and you know yourself, so you just have to work on making your life the way you want it as close as possible. Back when I assumed I was cis, it was the same deal. There were lots of things I wanted, and I always seemed to be in a state of longing without satisfaction. At least these days there's a greater satisfaction to longing ratio or something...

I'm not sure how to feel more "real", somewhere down the line though I just kind of realized life is only as real as your brain and perception makes it anyways, some of the most intense/interesting/valuable experiences don't even exist in the outside world but in your mind. So it's probably a matter of self perception

[Tessa James]

I recall the first trans man to join our local gender support group.  Darn if he was so passable that I wondered what this dude was here for  

I love being social and get to lots of support groups.  The best, IMO, are the groups that featured men and women as we seem to have more in common and lots to share.  One thing that struck me was a sense of being "invisible" for some guys.  A couple of them came from a strong lesbian identity and community and now when dating or with a female partner are seen as just another hetero couple.  Almost a reverse internalized discrimination?

I really appreciate the trans men and perspectives you all share here.  Staying out and being social can feel like work but it seems one of the best ways to make meaningful connections.  We have a regular Sunday game group that keeps it light.  I hope you feel encouraged to get out there, no doubt you have some stories to share....

[Sno]

Sweetie,
It's a strange place being between two worlds, but watch and wait. You'll find the men off 'doing' an activity, and then generally return and talk about that activity, and that helps define their masculinity - cyclists like to talk about their 100 mile day, soccer players talk about their hat-trick the list goes on. They also like to watch other men 'doing' sports, and will follow role models in their chosen activity...

So it's time to go 'do' some new things, try to find your passion, and a social group will build

Rowan

[jingling_void]

Sweetie,
It's a strange place being between two worlds, but watch and wait. You'll find the men off 'doing' an activity, and then generally return and talk about that activity, and that helps define their masculinity - cyclists like to talk about their 100 mile day, soccer players talk about their hat-trick the list goes on. They also like to watch other men 'doing' sports, and will follow role models in their chosen activity...

So it's time to go 'do' some new things, try to find your passion, and a social group will build

Rowan

Thanks Rowan,
It's just been hard for me at the moment since my mental health has been up and down [emoji17]
Do you have any suggestions I could try?
Ah, sports has been a new interest I like watching tennis and Olympics


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[jingling_void]

I recall the first trans man to join our local gender support group.  Darn if he was so passable that I wondered what this dude was here for  

I love being social and get to lots of support groups.  The best, IMO, are the groups that featured men and women as we seem to have more in common and lots to share.  One thing that struck me was a sense of being "invisible" for some guys.  A couple of them came from a strong lesbian identity and community and now when dating or with a female partner are seen as just another hetero couple.  Almost a reverse internalized discrimination?

I really appreciate the trans men and perspectives you all share here.  Staying out and being social can feel like work but it seems one of the best ways to make meaningful connections.  We have a regular Sunday game group that keeps it light.  I hope you feel encouraged to get out there, no doubt you have some stories to share....

I didn't know there was a thing as gender support groups ,though I'm glad that guy was accepted.[emoji3]

Huh maybe I should go to mixed groups then? I don't really mind as long as I enjoy it!
Socialising is a bit hit and miss for me since I'm awkward lmao


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[jingling_void]

Np. It probably couldn't hurt to see if a group help you.

What strikes me is that even as a kid I knew I was different but there wasn't the knowledge that other people don't have to deal with the same problems to ferment a sense of bitterness back then. It's like the difference between thinking you might have a problem, and knowing you had one from day one and it might as well have been fate for all the control we have over it. When you get diagnosed with this thing and you know it's true anyway, then you know and it can't be unknown and that's tough to deal with. That said, I know cis people who are sad and lonely too, just for different reasons - seems like we all have our demons and our burdens, no matter what. It sucks to be in this position but at least when you think about it, you already know the territory and you know yourself, so you just have to work on making your life the way you want it as close as possible. Back when I assumed I was cis, it was the same deal. There were lots of things I wanted, and I always seemed to be in a state of longing without satisfaction. At least these days there's a greater satisfaction to longing ratio or something...

I'm not sure how to feel more "real", somewhere down the line though I just kind of realized life is only as real as your brain and perception makes it anyways, some of the most intense/interesting/valuable experiences don't even exist in the outside world but in your mind. So it's probably a matter of self perception

I like your sentence abt life is only real as your brain. It's very poignant and true to my life right now.

So if I change my perspective things much get better?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Kylo]

In terms of how you value yourself and how you value the idea of what a man is, yes.

Value systems can be changed, re-evaulated. There are a lot of people who think in very black and white terms about what a man is, and that's entirely changeable.

I couldn't tell you exactly how it's done as I guess it must be a different rationalization process for everyone, but if you're going to accept that all humans are basically worth something and all have some inherent potential value, no matter the quirks of their physicality, you can arrive at something satisfactory. I know I don't think of myself as less of anything than anyone else - part of that is to learn to enjoy being unique, part of it is morality, and some is personal pride. You can turn negative emotions into positive strengths as well.

[jingling_void]

In terms of how you value yourself and how you value the idea of what a man is, yes.

Value systems can be changed, re-evaulated. There are a lot of people who think in very black and white terms about what a man is, and that's entirely changeable.

I couldn't tell you exactly how it's done as I guess it must be a different rationalization process for everyone, but if you're going to accept that all humans are basically worth something and all have some inherent potential value, no matter the quirks of their physicality, you can arrive at something satisfactory. I know I don't think of myself as less of anything than anyone else - part of that is to learn to enjoy being unique, part of it is morality, and some is personal pride. You can turn negative emotions into positive strengths as well.

It sounds like it is easier said than done [emoji21]Do you ever wonder if the reason you feel lonely is because of how society sometimes sees trans people?
I know it's getting better but it can be quite draining to explain who you are to everyone you meet
Even though I'm feminine I still want to be seen as male
I'll definitely give it a try though


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Kylo]

It sounds like it is easier said than done [emoji21]Do you ever wonder if the reason you feel lonely is because of how society sometimes sees trans people?

Me? No. Before I "knew" I was trans for certain I was lonely for different reasons. I think mostly it's just an existential fact, but exacerbated for most people to some extent by being trans, and how others view it, yeah. Me, I can be lonely in a room full of people who care about me. I'm a hopeless case in that regard and I think it's just one of the various snags of the human condition. I think it's more of an urge than an actual state that can ever be tangibly fulfilled. Being trans doesn't help, but I don't think not being trans would in any way mean someone wouldn't feel it for whatever reason. I know cis people who talk about being unconnected to people and unfulfilled and lonely all the time.

I know it's getting better but it can be quite draining to explain who you are to everyone you meet
Even though I'm feminine I still want to be seen as male

I don't bother explaining. They will see as me whatever until I look the part. They can think what they want. What's important is what I think for now, whether I'm feeling happier inside my own skull. Which has happened. I get the feeling if things do fall into place properly I will be pretty much unstoppable from there.

Once you get stuff sorted with the NHS I figure things will start looking up for you. You can't really control what others think of you but you can at least feel like you're taking your own life into your control by way of transition.

[jingling_void]

Me? No. Before I "knew" I was trans for certain I was lonely for different reasons. I think mostly it's just an existential fact, but exacerbated for most people to some extent by being trans, and how others view it, yeah. Me, I can be lonely in a room full of people who care about me. I'm a hopeless case in that regard and I think it's just one of the various snags of the human condition. I think it's more of an urge than an actual state that can ever be tangibly fulfilled. Being trans doesn't help, but I don't think not being trans would in any way mean someone wouldn't feel it for whatever reason. I know cis people who talk about being unconnected to people and unfulfilled and lonely all the time.

I don't bother explaining. They will see as me whatever until I look the part. They can think what they want. What's important is what I think for now, whether I'm feeling happier inside my own skull. Which has happened. I get the feeling if things do fall into place properly I will be pretty much unstoppable from there.

Once you get stuff sorted with the NHS I figure things will start looking up for you. You can't really control what others think of you but you can at least feel like you're taking your own life into your control by way of transition.

Huh that does sound more fitting since I guess it's all about perspective,right? And possibly black and white thinking [emoji189]

I think I will give that a go! It's kinda hard though but still, it would help combatting my anxiety and all that jazz...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Elis]

I've always felt detached from people that it's hard not to think of it as simply part of my personality thus unchangeable. I never feel like I'm actually present. Plus having social anxiety and being an introvert makes it doubly difficult. Although I am gradually improving. I'm able to go to a LGBT group (ELOP) which I'd never been able to before. I've been to a few FTM London meetings but it's not really my scene. For sime reason trans people make me a lot more nervous than LGB people.

All I can do as cheesy as it sounds is take things one day at a time. Concentrate on going to work or college and simply try to get through it. And not think how the hell am I going to get through the next week or the week after.

[Kylo]

The amount of stress others seem to be feeling makes me wonder why it is that I don't feel particularly stressed out myself at this stage. I don't feel as elated as some people do for being part of the transition process now - maybe that has balanced things out. I guess I was actually expecting to feel worse.

T has made me feel less lonely - or if not less lonely per se, less bothered about it - for what that's worth maybe it will do that for you too at some point.

[Elis]

The amount of stress others seem to be feeling makes me wonder why it is that I don't feel particularly stressed out myself at this stage. I don't feel as elated as some people do for being part of the transition process now - maybe that has balanced things out. I guess I was actually expecting to feel worse.

T has made me feel less lonely - or if not less lonely per se, less bothered about it - for what that's worth maybe it will do that for you too at some point.

This probably works for binary trans people but as I'm nb I find it 10x harder to know how to fit in. Plus I feel uncomfortable both around men and women. Maybe as I become more confident that'll change.

The T has gotten rid of most of my dysphoria so I sort of feel calmer and able to cope a lot better with most things.

[jingling_void]

The amount of stress others seem to be feeling makes me wonder why it is that I don't feel particularly stressed out myself at this stage. I don't feel as elated as some people do for being part of the transition process now - maybe that has balanced things out. I guess I was actually expecting to feel worse.

T has made me feel less lonely - or if not less lonely per se, less bothered about it - for what that's worth maybe it will do that for you too at some point.

Maybe it's because t effects people in a different way? I'm looking towards less anxiety if that's the case.
It might help me feel more confident (I'm pre t at the moment)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[SpeakYourMind]

Even though i've accepted being trans and now present fully as male 24/7 I still feel detached from other people. It's so weird.. like the room could be full yet I'd still feel low. Maybe it's because I've been losing friends left right and center. Would going to a group be more beneficial?? 

It depends it may be beneficial or it may not
do you think you're just introverted? - It's often seen as negative but it's not
And maybe you're right and you're losing people and it's bring you down but whatever the case it may and may not help but if you can figure out what's making you feel low then it's possible it'll help you out more.
But then again i'd ask are you on HRT? or have you thought/looked into it as possible for you?
Because iv'e found after going on it myself it's helped my confidence and my lows are not as common not to say that's what it is or isn't but i'm putting that because i think it could be important to note.