Need help figuring things out

[JillianC]

So I'm confused and need some support in figuring myself out.

I was born male and feel comfortable presenting as a male.  However, my true self is decidedly female and I've never been comfortable in the typical male role.  I've always preferred the company of women over men and never felt like I fit in with other males.

I have body dysphoria centered around my testicles and would prefer to have them removed.  I don't have the same dysphoria with my penis even though I fantasize about having a vagina.  I know if I'm able to get my testicles removed I would need some kind of hormones and would prefer estrogen over testosterone.  However, I'm not a fan of having breasts, long hair, or makeup which puts me in this weird androgynous area.  Complicating the matter is that while I am most comfortable presenting as a male, I have a strong desire to wear feminine clothing like dresses and skirts.  I wouldn't classify this desire as cross-dressing as it feels deeper than just the clothing to me.

If I could wake up female with everyone around me accepting me as a female, then I would no regrets.  However, the thought of transitioning, not passing, and dealing with all the repercussions seems scary and not worth it. I've been reading other's experiences and nothing seems to fit what I'm going through.  I'm tired of being conflicted all the time but don't know which direction if any I should take.  edit...Sorry I should have added I am seeing a therapist and am diagnosed with gender dysphoria.  I'm just confused/still in denial on who the future me is.

Thanks for your time.

[Veda]

I find that sometimes small things are a big help:  You could purchase an inexpensive set of loose fit womens pajamas and try sleeping in them.  I bought a cute fleece top and bottom for around $20, and they work great for me, plus they are super warm.

I'm sorry I couldn't be more help.

[Sno]

Welcome to Susan's!

You'll find a lot of help and support here to answer your questions, and I'm sure a mod will be along soon with a bundle of links that will help get the most from here.

The 'weird androgynous bit' is genderqueer and/or non-binary, a mix or blend if you like of genders somewhere along the spectrum between two polar extremes, Masculine and Feminine - I'm very much one of those, although I male-fail in role and social expectations, and don't feel I have a gender part of the time, my world is very much more feminine, and I get by like this. I do get dysphoria - mainly genital, but I get social too, and that's my challenge...

We have a non binary board, where a few of us chat, and of course the main boards.

If you've not googled the YouTube channel called 'the transition channel' yet, then do so - it may help a little (or in my case opened a complete can, with more questions than answers).

As Veda has said, best way is to try some stuff, (I love lipstick and nail polish), and see how you feel with that.

Come, join in the fun, and see you in the forest..

Sno

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Being transgender isn't cut and dry. We each experience it differently and what we want our life to be can vary. Your description of yourself puts you all over the scale. You could be transexual, gender fluid, cross dresser and well as several other descriptions. The problem is you are early in discovery and may not have full defined your feelings yet. There may be comfort in a role you have lived with all your life and fear of moving into the feminine role. The only way to know for sure might be to experiment with different roles part time so you can be comfortable in the new role. The fear of not passing can be overcome. There are people who have passing issues can and do live happy lives. One thing that might help is looking at our WIKI and learning a bit more about what being transgender is.

Feel free to discuss you feelings with me or the others on the site. We have member from all over the transgender spectrum and many are willing to help a new member find what is right for them.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

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[JillianC]

Thanks for the advice.

I have been wearing a night gown and underwear and while at home leggings with some slipper boots.  it's really helped to silent my mind the past couple of weeks.  Though I am not sure my mind is silenced by the clothes or something else.

Sno, I had hoped I could be nonbinary but I currently feel more bi-gendered with female being the primary identity.  I did watch the transition channel videos and came away with that I am transgendered but I too scared/chicken to transition.  Like you it has caused a lot more soul searching and questions.

I think my biggest take away I need to keep exploring and be patient.  This just goes against my personality.  Things are going to happen at their own pace.

Thanks again or the advice.

[Dena]

This is a good reason for you to seek out a transgender group either social or therapy. That will give you other who you can go out with and have the security of numbers. I took the solo approach but I have helped another become comfortable and the trick was when she started to become uncomfortable, I would distract her with conversation. Also the fact that she wasn't alone helped as well. It will take time but you should be able to figure out where you fit in.