Quote from: BeerBurpGirl on January 27, 2017, 05:46:23 PM
I guess you could say I have reached an interesting milestone. One year into HRT and the rejection I've felt from my wife has left me with only one conclusion as to why I no longer want to have sex with my wife when I do still want sex overall. We used to have pretty damn good sex before transition, but I'll be honest it always felt like something was missing for me slightly that I never could fully understand until my medical transition started. At first I did want sex with her but things just never really went well. Everything is awkward now and I know deep down she doesn't see me as a woman. She has admitted it to me and in fact she let out that she views my transgender diagnosis as a mentally ill issue. My body has become an uncomfortable thing for her, so it's been very hard to sort out my progress in transition as a result. There is this transfer of those feelings that seep into how I feel and view myself. I guess I'm lucky she has stuck around this long, but now we can see now that even with the best intentions it feels like the change in chemistry between us seems to be trumping everything else. It feels now like regardless of how much we try, the chemistry thing will always be wrong. We could be in the best of head space and it just wont matter. I didn't know why for a long time where this was going and why I was feeling such aversion to sex with my wife, but now it just feels like it has become her trying to have sex with the ghost of the man I used to be. Medical transition has been great to me physically and the changes are mentally pleasant, but it's obviously very bad for my sex life with the wife. Not sure where this will go, because she isn't ok with sharing me with anyone else. This in turn makes transition and my second puberty just as miserable as my first in summation. So if I'm not happy and now I've made the rest of my family unhappy then what was the point? I feel like I have blossomed in a wonderful way, but have spent almost no time appreciating it and fully integrating my true self and instead it still feels like the elephant in the room. I'm very sad and depressed about this. I HATE BEING TRANS!!!! But at least I now have a way to verbalize the situation a little better and perhaps letting her know that I'm no longer comfortable with sharing my body and spirit with her might help me to take back ownership and perhaps heal a bit. Does anyone have a similar story? Are there any other good ways to heal or even some hope to this situation?
-Hugs BBG
HI BBG,
Umm, yeah, I do have a similar story. I think I know exactly how you feel and how invalidating such things are..
I wrote about my experiences with my ex a short time ago, and I find the topic very triggering, so I hope you don't mind if I just copy and paste a portion of it here for you to read.
Here goes:
"First, a disclaimer, I am not a male to female transitioner, so my perspective may come from a slightly different angle. I was mis-genedered due to a medical situation, I am actually an XX female that was forced through an early childhood FTM conversion. But, that is irrelevant, mostly..
Okay, sooo, ugh...
When I started HRT, it was with the idea that I would take just enough to remedy my emotional distress. My spouse and I intended to stay together, and I cherished our sex life, I loved penetrating her, and she loved receiving me inside her. Unfortunately, my body craved the E, and it changed very rapidly, though I was able to stay erect well over a year into HRT therapy. Very early on, though, the nature of my erections changed, and I could tell I was no longer exciting her with my arousal. She began to become passive-aggressive and eventually abusive, and this was one of the reasons she cited, but that is neither here nor there...
What also happened was that I began to resent her wanting me to stay like I had been all along, and this made me even more dysphoric. We did continue to make love, and I was able to please her orally as usual, but her eyes would be closed, and her mind elsewhere. This broke my heart, for the man she fell in love with, and had desired so deeply for almost 2 decades, was now gone, no matter how I protested I was still me, to her, I was not.
After one last humiliating and futile attempt, about 14 months after my first E dose, she snapped and beat me up. I broke up with her shortly afterward, though we agreed to try to work out our relationship as sister/friends. But the damage was done, and I had to actually have the police intervene 10 months later, and I had to ask her to move out. A week later she was in bed with a man back in her hometown, and just recently she married a different guy. She rejected all notions of being bi or pansexual, and pretended I had been a man all along and started calling me 'he' again.
The irony here is that now that I have had my vagina reconstructed, I am also only interested in being penetrated by hetero men, and I can see her point very clearly. There is something about the very act, with a very excited man, that is undeniably what I need. I feel horrid saying this, and shallow, and somewhat like a traitor, but it is true. I love how other women look, feel, smell, and relate, and I have dated trans-girls, but at the end of the day, I need to be penetrated by a virile man. Toys and strappies are fun, but no, they are not the same. His excitement, and climax, and all that comes with it, is what I crave. For me, nothing else satisfies on so many primal levels.
So, that is my story, and my take on it. My history and experiences are my own, nobody else's, so please, don't think I am saying I know how things are, or will be, for anybody else. I have no way of knowing anything of that sort. But I do know, for my ex-spouse, and for myself, having the real thing is what makes our bells ring."
That is more than you asked for, but for me, all these things were related..
I hope you have better luck than I did..
((HUGS))
Missy
