This will get worse before it gets better won't it??

[AlyssaJ]

Moni I know what you're saying about that sense of relief or liberation.  I've done some exploration in public, granted mostly in a mixed presentation but even then there was that certain feeling of just conquering the fear and doing it. I've gone to my therapist multiple times dressed in various states of femme presentation (skinny jeans with high-heeled boots, dress & heels and most recently dress, heels & makeup), there is a fair amount of public exposure as I have to park on the street and walk through a wide open courtyard to her office door. I've also gone for runs in Central park and on other public trails wearing women's leggings and a sports bra, I regularly work out in hotel fitness rooms in similar gear, and I even wore skinny jeans and those heeled boots to go out to eat at a fast food restaurant.  The sense of accomplishment has been great each time and the feeling of finally being able to expose a small part of the real me to the world has been satisfying and spurs me to go further.

Going to church this weekend, in full female presentation (except for my hair) will be the farthest I've gone so far but as you noted, it's a chance to say to the world in no unmistakable terms, here I am, I am trans and you'll just have to deal with me.  Based on the fact that they're open and affirming, my guess is I'll also be gendered as "she, her, hers" which will be the first time in my life that anyone has applied those pronouns to me (well outside of these forums). That's a very exciting thing right there and I think my reaction to it may tell me a lot about who I really am.

So I guess what I'm saying is, I agree there probably is a certain right of passage here. It has taken me some time to get to a level of self-acceptance to even be able to consider doing this. I've come a long way in a short period from being a crossdresser in private who once in a while went out on Halloween dressed as a female to now a trans person who's still questioning but willing to let parts of the world see me for who I really am. My guess for Staci is that this type of growth is probably what your therapist is looking for in having you get out in the world for that experience.

[Janes Groove]

Well I think I may take the first plunge this weekend.  After reading this thread this morning I reached out to the pastor at that UCC church. 

Congratulations on this step.  I think my first RLE test was going down to the dollar store followed by a stop at the local Walmart.   And it was pretty rough. After getting sir-ed, I felt pretty crestfallen, But it was a beginning.

[Sophia Sage]

What it comes down to, Lisa, is how you feel about being gendered one way or another.  And it makes sense to be absolutely sure how you feel about this before starting HRT and blowing up your life.  I waited six months when I was where you are in your process before starting HRT.  I still did voice work and therapy and electrolysis and support group during that period, though, because all those things helped to clarify that this was what I really had to do.

When you're en femme out in a social environment for the the first time, you won't be consistently gendered female, no, but you will be gendered female occasionally as you get good at it.  Remember how that gendering feels.  Compare it to how you feel about being gendered male.  (Support groups are better, I think, in this respect, because support groups are much more consistent about giving one's desired gendering.)

If you feel euphoric about being gendered female, and dysphoric about being gendered male, then I'm sorry, but the choice is going to be pretty clear-cut. 

[izzy]

I kind of feel the same way you do. As you know what you want but you feel feel, you hit a wall between your own thoughts and what others expect of you. My therapy sessions have been a great sense of relief and discovery and at the same time I feel sad about my family's perception of me. If you feel good people viewing you as a women than you just need to find your voice, what the therapist will help you with.

[Veda]

Since we're on the topic, do any of you have recommendations on cities?  I have plenty of airline and hotel miles to go just about anywhere domestically.  Chicago is close by for me but not sure if that's the best option.  I'm open for any thoughts you have on some of the logistics of doing a trip like that.

I can recommend Seattle.  There is much to do and It's quite a liberal town.  Also there is a group that meets every Wednesday: http://ingersollgendercenter.org/supportgroup

[HappyMoni]

Lisa,
   Let us know how the church visit goes, okay? I always thought it valuable, although sometimes impossible, to try to factor out any negative you encounter for at least a second. You want to get to that core nugget of the experience, did I feel pleasant (not including comfort level) or was it unpleasant for that brief period of being female. Ten years ago, I would have thought it would be an unpleasant experience for me. That prediction was based on my being filled with fear at the time. The true answer surprised me with how good it really was. The answer for you will tell you a lot.
Moni