Jeez, that looks as rude in print as it sounds saying it out loud..
I am very leery being here, I have been torn to shreds by the trans community in the past, but I can't find any place else on the internet to vent. I don't expect anybody to understand, unless they have been through the same thing, but I have never met anybody else that has my history. I know there must be others like me, but folks like me don't jump up and down and announce ourselves, we lay low, and try to pretend nothing is different about us, that there is nothing 'wrong' with us.
But, I cannot stand the loneliness another second. I just don't fit in anywhere unless I lie about my past. I am a fundamentally honest woman, and no matter how I try to manage my history, there is no right answer. Either I am lying to myself, or my lover, or both. And if I tell the truth, I am looked at as if I am a freak. Or mistaken for trans, and subjected to trans-hate or homophobic reactions.
So, please, be gentle with me. I am such a strong person, I have survived so very much, and yet, even after doing everything I can to make things right, I can find no one that understands, let alone somebody that will love me.
I am generally very well-adjusted, and optimistic, and full of joy. But lately, well, the last few days, I have been despondent. I fell in love with a man that I thought was special, different, smart enough, and secure enough to be my life partner. Then, after love-making, he saw my scars 'down there', and asked what they were from...
I didn't want to tell him anything, but I had just told him "I love you" for the first time, so after balling my eyes out for 20 minutes, I slowly told him the whole story, bit by bit, layer after layer, laying my history and soul to bare before him. He was sweet, at first, but yeah, the earth shifted beneath us, and now, he is gone..
You see, when I was born, I was born with a large clitoris. Large enough that I was mistaken for an hermaphrodite. There are other factors, I was exposed to DES in utero, for example, but as my gyno says; "we will never know exactly what is going on with you on the molecular level'. Yay, how comforting is that?
Anyway, so my parents had been hoping for a boy. And in those days, it was believed that gender was taught, not inborn, so the nice Catholic doctors told them they could 'choose' my gender. They also instructed them to never, ever, tell me what they were about to do, and never, ever, let me act like a girl. Then they took me away from my mother and performed the first surgeries on me, followed by another set at 6 months and yet another at 18 months. They sewed up my vagina, excised my labia, cut my clitoris free, relocated my urethra to the tip of my neo-penis, reshaped my clitoral hood into a neo-scrotum, trans-located my ovaries into the neo-scrotum, and removed most of my uterus.
I feel like I am betraying myself telling all this here, laying myself bare, again, and leaving myself open for attack. Please, please, don't make me regret sharing this!
My parents were brutal in enforcing my assigned gender. My father was especially brutal, he actually hated me, because, of course, I knew I was a girl, and I kept saying I was a girl, and to him, I was a shameful, hideous freak that reflected poorly on his manhood. And he could never admit he made a mistake, even if he had to beat me every day, he was convinced he could beat me into being an actual boy. But he could not. Instead, he beat me into pieces. You see, he gave me DID. He broke me. I have multiple personality disorder, on top of everything else, like icing on the proverbial cake.
Of course, I don't have a Y chromosome, so I never started to look like a boy. They pumped me full of growth hormones to make me grow bigger, but I never started puberty. So, they pumped me full of testosterone. Even so, I didn't feel like a boy. I wasn't a boy. I was a lost little girl, broken into over a dozen alters by the time I reached high school. Finally, one of my 'tough girl' alters had had enough, and she confronted my father, and the beating that ensued lasted forever, and left my face very badly bruised and swollen. My mother had to keep me out of school until the swelling and bruising had subsided, and she told me she would kill me if I ever told on my father for beating me. But, worse than that, my father had broken my mind yet again, and what arose next was the first male alter. The first of many, many, male alters. And 'his' first order of business was to deny our femaleness, and learn to act like a man. To act like a big man, an important, cocky, arrogant man. And for the next several decades, successive male alters ran my life. They succeeded in finding work that suited our true female nature, oh yes, but every one of them acted like an alpha male.
So, of course, I was miserable just below the surface. And to make a long story short, the facts of my birth and 'corrective surgeries' eventually came to light, and I lost my spouse, my career, most of my friends, and all my possessions as I de-transitioned back to female. I started HRT and grew A cups in a little over a month, B cups by three months, and when I mentioned that to the trans community, I was accused of being a liar, and was attacked mercilessly. The gender therapist I was seeing threw me into the trans community for 'support', and it was a disaster. I was a like a duck in the henhouse, and they pecked me relentlessly. I stayed away from the trans community for many, many years, and only very reluctantly am I posting this here now.
I have had vaginal reconstruction surgery (Dr. B is a GENIUS!) and over 100 hours of electrolysis, but all of that was very expensive and painful, but very necessary. I still need to take a $25k trip to Buenos Aires to see Dr. DiMaggio, but who knows when? I will not rest until every single thing I can do to undo the travesty that was inflicted on my body has been done.
For me, de-transitioning was pretty easy and smooth, all I had to do was let my littles walk and talk for me, and 'passing' was a breeze. My male alters had to learn to act like a woman, that was soo weird, because we all have different voices. But, all of my alters are on board, and the only things that get me 'outed' nowadays are my history, and my scars, and my inconvenient attachment to honesty.
And that is the rub. I want to be able to live as if none of this ever happened, to live in 'deep stealth', as trans people call it, but, I hate being dishonest, I really do. I just had my heart broken for telling all to my boyfriend, and who knows if he will be telling everybody my story? I may have to move away, again, and change my name, again, just to have any piece of mind at all.
When I was first de-transitioning, several trans girls told me they wished that they were me, that I should be grateful I was born a girl, and that my journey was going so very well. But that is sooo wrong, and shortsighted. Nobody deserves what I went through, and nobody deserves what I will always have to go through for the rest of my life. I just want to have been left alone. Had my parents not mutilated my sex organs and pumped me full of growth hormone and testosterone, the only thing different about me would have been my large clit, and that would have been no problem for me at all. But, we can't always get what we want, can we?
Thank you for allowing a space on your forum for a girl like myself to vent and tell my story.
We are all humans. We all deserve dignity, respect, honesty, companionship, compassion, and love.
Mostly love.
