I initially came here barely a month ago after my husband announced he planned to begin transition from male to female. He sent me here to ask questions and learn. And I did, as JeanR. It started a learning odyssey about myself that I never, ever expected.
So much sounded so familiar, things I repressed because I didn't understand where they came from. I stopped posting when my new understanding of myself really started, and thankfully we got into counseling almost immediately. Because we each have insurance and are technically being seen separately but we're actually having joint sessions, it's two sessions a week. It has been an amazing journey already, with lots of soul searching that ended in my no longer lying to myself about my fantasies and feelings.
So, here I am, non-binary (so the counselor says) or bi-gender (which is my gut feeling), and actually considering testosterone, begging for breast reduction surgery so I can bind properly (nearly impossible with G/H cup breasts) and considering testosterone and even metoidioplasty (simple release, maybe testes implants). I now understand the rush of understanding who I am really, versus the me I thought I was supposed to be.
I've got my girl in there, who actually doesn't match my body, but my guy is there too, who oddly likes my big, almost manly body better than my girl does. And they've been battling it out for control for decades. Once I finally acknowledged him, a moment that woke me from a sound sleep in the middle of the night, what I now know has been a constant low to mid-level of dysphoria simply disappeared. Now it's coming in waves, from both sides, at various moments, but for the most part my mind settled into acceptance of my new state. I also feel an amazing euphoria when I make discoveries that make my male side happy.
As for my use of gender pronouns - my husband and I have an agreement that to me he will always be he/him/husband. Similarly, even if I make some degree of transition to male, which currently has a high degree of possibility, I am always she/her/wife. It may not be how it works for others, but it is how it works for us.
