I could be mistaken about someone's trans claims

[Raell]

I first started visiting this forum out of panic when my ex-husband began saying he is transitioning to non-binary female and wants to come be with me in Thailand.

I'm partially transmale, but have no transition issues, since I just dress androgynously.

Due to his/her past history of deception and treachery when we were last married, I assumed she was trying to con me, to exploit me in some way, possibly to escape her current marriage to a strict, religious Republican.

I became so worried I gave myself an ulcer.

I just talked to her on Skype this morning and I could barely recognize her.

She is still married and dressed as male, although she is growing her hair out.
But what shocked me was that for the FIRST TIME, she looked happy..her face glowing with joy. She even had tears in her eyes.

She has been starting to dress in female clothes in secret and has an appointment with the Veteran's Association, transgender department, in Feb, where she says she plans to "come out."

I can't vouch for anything else about her story, but simply coming out to herself, and making plans to transition has seemingly transfigured her entire look.

So, I'm dropping my skepticism about her being transgender.

[Ms Grace]

Honestly, I could probably come up with a thousand less traumatic ways to get out of an unhappy marriage than to use "I'm transgender" as some kind of "confected" out or loophole.

It's usually such a major leap to come out that to be doubted for it can be pretty crushing. I know, I had it done to me during my first attempt at transition. To have one of my best friends suggest in no uncertain terms I was making it all up was quite a blow. I had other versions of that card dealt to me over the ensuing several months... sure didn't help my confidence.

About ten years ago I worked with a person who presented as male - mid 50s, trimmed beard, short hair, very male clothes. About three years after they had left I heard they'd transitioned to female. Having a trans history myself I was somewhat conflicted by the revelation. This was a person who I would never in a thousand years have pegged as trans... not only had she come out but had also transitioned. And then it struck me, there was nothing about the way I conducted myself in my male persona that would "give me away" as trans or female either. "Me-As-Female" was such a shut down concept, even to myself, that I did not allow even a sliver of that aspect of myself to be expressed.

Given the general social hostility, disbelief or ridicule directed towards trans people, being gender incognito until the point of coming out is often a survival mechanism.  It's usually not until we come to terms with the fact we are trans that we can allow those suppressed parts of our gender identity be expressed. And so you've seen that happen with your ex...

[Dayta]

Good for her!  I know that I tend to make assumptions or judgments about others' actions or situations.  Recognizing how much I hate it when anyone questions me, I feel like it's good to get surprised every once in a while, if only to help reinforce my checking of my own assumptions. 

I hope that she's just being open and is finding her own joy.  If so, you may have a great opportunity to be there for her during a tough time.  I'm not sure I'd answer the phone knowing it was my ex, so this scenario is quite foreign to me.  My instinct would be to be wary, which I suspect you are. 

Erin

[Raell]

Yes, I've been so wary I apparently gave myself an ulcer.

I keep telling myself that I will accept her, no matter what, but go very slow with any romantic reconnecting in Thailand. We can just be friends and see what happens.

As a demisexual it takes me over a year to feel sexual attraction to someone. I was previously only attracted to my ex-husband but only after two years of courting, but that timed out three years after our breakup, so I feel nothing now in that department.

When she first broached the idea of us getting together I gave her a long list of hoops to jump through first before I'd give her my address;
she'd have to see a gender therapist, be divorced, get proper documents, have enough money in the bank to pay for all her costs for six months, and have a way to get income online, in case I can't get her an ESL job because of her being transgender spooking Muslim parents.

I also stipulated that if she starts acting out in scary ways as she did previously, she would have to move to another floor, or even another apartment building.

But seeing her happiness has made me less suspicious of her motives. If she is supporting herself, and has no plans to have operations, she couldn't be trying to get me to play some free caregiver role.

I previously had a transgender high school friend who actually told me she was coming to Thailand to get her operations so she could live with me and I could take care of her.
I was horrified. I worked full time and the town where she was planning to get the work done was five hours away.

So I said something indefinite like that I might travel north to visit her in the hospital at least one time during her stay in Thailand.

She kept trying to rope me into being her caregiver, but I just became more distant. That's what I feared with my ex.

[Dena]

It's important that if your ex is transgender, the manipulative nature of your ex may still remain. Don't commit to anything that you aren't comfortable with because it's still possible for you to be abused. You may be able to strike some of the things off the rules list but keep the list to remind yourself of things to watch out for. People don't change their nature over night unless they have a strong motivation to do so. I don't know if your ex changed but you need to protect yourself first.

[FTMax]

Agree with Dena. Personality doesn't change just because someone transitions, so I would be wary if you've been mistreated by this person in the past.

[Tessa James]

I do applaud your willingness to hear from your ex and consider, even with continued skepticism, their current situation.  Even though it hurts to be disbelieved, I do understand how hard it can be to fully accept me.  My past contained a huge secret that eventually I even hid from myself for crying out loud.  I fought very hard not to be here and mostly did a good job of playing the role of being some kind of guy.  Apparently I am still more believable to a few people as a guy who is "confused" rather than as the transgender person I really know myself to be.

Anatomy is NOT destiny but appearances and expression are still subjectively interpreted.  So good of you to see past that to the happiness and joy they were now exhibiting.