Why can't I just make the logical choice

[JoanneB]

Question?

Stop, Go Forward, Tread Water?

I can tell you from personal experience, the "Go Forward" option can and will drive you crazy in this situation. Do I explode my life for xx% more happiness while standing a damn good chance of loosing xx+many more % of what I need in my life?

What do I need vs merely want?

In a perfect world I would "Go Forward". Heck! No fears of loosing my job, my career, I can't believe I get paid to have fun. No risk of loosing my BFF, Soul-Mate, Reality Therapist, my wife. No risk of loosing  any portion of the other aspects that all go into making me Me.

Reality Sucks.

For now... Since most days it's "I want" and thank God not "Need" to transition, trying to think of myself as Non-Binary helps. If that delicate balance changes to most days I feel I "Need" to.... Rest assured I will. Just as I knew I needed to all the other things to get me to this point of confusion to survive. To wake up on the sunny side of the grass. I hold and to have Joy in my life

[AnonyMs]

Tops two months before it all comes crashing down and I'll be left with the ashes of the burning wreck I will have made.  Logically the choice is to stop yet I can't. Am I crazy? How is continuing even a thing?

I ended up at that point, or close to it, by stubbornly refusing to transition. Clinically depressed and unable to work, not very nice to be around, and steadily getting worse. I began to understand how people could kill themselves, and how am I supposed to look after my family if I do that?

My therapist gave me some good advice, which was that it can be better for everyone if you transition. Not ideal, I was out of ideal options, but less damage that way.

I've still not socially transitioned. I've been pursuing the medical side only, and that's been keeping me sane so far. Not sure its going to last much longer, but I've got some good years out of it.

I should add that I don't think its a very good approach.

[staciM]

Kristina, FWIW I went through the same inner dialog for years.  I told myself that I'll just enjoy the good times, have some fun expressing my inner self when I'm able and endure the bouts of depression, anxiety and related anger when they crept in.  It was a workable balance for awhile.  However, slowly the time I needed to express my true self expanded until it was never enough.  All the time I couldn't be me was consumed with bouts of depression and anger that started to overtake my life....so debilitating that I occasionally didn't even want to be the real me when I was able, I just wanted to sit on the couch, drink and hate life.  This impacted my relationships with my wife and son.  I turned into a shell of a person that drifted through life with a constant grumpy demeanor that wasn't any fun to be around.  I was VERY conscious of exactly what it was that was eating me from the inside....until one day, not to long ago, I just knew what HAD to happen.  There was no "choice" anymore, and my wife (who has known since
we dated about the inner me) also saw the difference.  The point is, like some have said,  you will probably just know it's time.  Where are you in this journey of discovery?  Does your wife know anything about your inner self?

Also, there's nothing to say that your wife, family and employer won't be supportive.  Yes, there are some people that lose everything, but there's nothing in the transition rule book to say that has to always be the case.  Since I told my wife what needed to happen, we are at the best place in our 25 years of knowing one another ....she sees the huge change in me and realizes I'm so much happier being on this path than the alternative.

[Nina_Ottawa]

Here is the one the question my ex asked me when I told her....you may get this:

If you knew you were trans, why did we get married?

[vicki_sixx]

You're not crazy.
You're doing what you know you need to do.
The doom, gloom, pain and stress is not the end of your world - it's the birth of a new one.

[josie76]

Here is the one the question my ex asked me when I told her....you may get this:

If you knew you were trans, why did we get married?

I heard that early on along with can't you just take testosterone and make it go away again? That was part of the bargaining stage of my wife's greif over the loss of what she thought our life was. She is now very supportive while we still don't know where our relationship will go.

Logic is what kept me trapped and miserable for so long. For me once I realized there was an option in transition I no longer had a choice to make. I know the other path would end badly either by my action or my neglect of myself. There is no easy road for us I'm sorry to say. Either road is frought with emotional dangers.

[josie76]

You're not crazy.
You're doing what you know you need to do.
The doom, gloom, pain and stress is not the end of your world - it's the birth of a new one.

Wow that's an awesome way to think of it. If I can just keep that in my mind!

[Paige]

Here is the one the question my ex asked me when I told her....you may get this:

If you knew you were trans, why did we get married?

Hi Nina,

I guess the quick answer would be, why do you think transgender people don't want love and aren't able to love?

The long answer is it's much more complicated than that simple question.  I'm almost 55 now, I've been with my wife 30 years.  Back then I thought I could get over this.  Society certainly wasn't accepting.  Most believed it was a perversion or mental illness.  I had a psychiatrist basically kick me out her office because she was disgusted.

So what do you do in that situation?  You try and cope.  You lead the life that everyone thinks you should lead.  It wasn't that I wasn't attracted to my wife.  I definitely love her and our children. 

By the way, my wife knew almost from the start of our relationship.  At least she knew as much as people understood in the late 80s.  Her knowing hasn't really made it any easier.  She isn't at all interested in me transitioning.

At the moment I've been on low dose E for 5 months.

The struggle continues. 
Take care,
Paige

[SadieBlake]

OP, you fear losing wealth and status? Try doing this without those. The only logic is what you decide you want and how you go about getting it. When I read your post I want to retitle it to "why can't i just make the materialistic choice?"

[Nina_Ottawa]

Hi Nina,

I guess the quick answer would be, why do you think transgender people don't want love and aren't able to love?

The long answer is it's much more complicated than that simple question.  I'm almost 55 now, I've been with my wife 30 years.  Back then I thought I could get over this.  Society certainly wasn't accepting.  Most believed it was a perversion or mental illness.  I had a psychiatrist basically kick me out her office because she was disgusted.

So what do you do in that situation?  You try and cope.  You lead the life that everyone thinks you should lead.  It wasn't that I wasn't attracted to my wife.  I definitely love her and our children. 

By the way, my wife knew almost from the start of our relationship.  At least she knew as much as people understood in the late 80s.  Her knowing hasn't really made it any easier.  She isn't at all interested in me transitioning.

At the moment I've been on low dose E for 5 months.

The struggle continues. 
Take care,
Paige

I doubt I would have stayed in my marriage if she was ok with me transitioning. To me, wouldn't have felt right...can't explain it.
When she posed the question as to why I hadn't told her, I basically said I didn't know who I was. I just knew I had angst and confusion, and it impacted our relationship. My wish isn't that I could turn back the clock and "un-marry" her, but I wish it didn't take me so long to deal with it. Getting married, in hindsight seemed like the right thing to do as all my friends were married. I got married for the wrong reason.
I feel bad for her in a way, because we had a ton of friends...and I'm sure she's embarrassed by me...and pretty sure friends think a lot less of me. Do I care? Nah

[Kristinagl]

Staci you sound a lot like what I went thru except I don't rly drink as my father was an alcoholic. I also got rly good at bury my emotions, even say detach them from me. Even in the most intense situations I could be stone on the out side (@&?$ I hated that ability). Yes my wife knows about my inner struggle as I started to transition a few years ago.  It ended with an ultimatum I couldn't take as I wasn't able to coupe with it because I was in a place thinking I could complete my transition (probably half way) but if I continued i didn't have a plan for dealing with the ultimatum.  So at that moment it was given I panicked and decided to take the easy way and stop.  My wife is more open to it now and like I said would support me but couldn't stay married and that I understand.

And Nina regards to your post what I would do to have been born 10 years later even 5. The difference in the resources available in that difference of time for younger trans ppl in my area was huge. I remember trying to come out 3 times and was verbally attached by my bigot parents.  And yes I say that in all fairness. If ppl could take the time and just listen and try to understand instead of just saying no my wife never would have been brought into this. I was just living life according to everyone's rules and doing "the right thing".  Yeah I decided to get married and have kids.  But that was the roll I was forced to live.  And if I didn't and transitioned younger. I'd still lose cause then I did the wrong thing.  I was just trying to do the right thing

[DawnOday]

Because it is not logical. Why go through all the pain, physical and emotional. Cost, it's not cheap being a woman, especially if you have a little style. People who would be terrified of going to a hospital for tonsillitis happily sign up for FFS and GRS. Alienation, that's not such a problem as I have been alienated from society for a long time, self imposed of course. . A chemically castrated transwoman, we wanting sex with whomever shows up in the bathroom. The idea we somehow have cooties because we are different. We do it because we are compelled by unknown sources. If I had the choice, I would have prefered a normal life, as a woman from the start. Or, if the opportunities had been available, from childhood. That would have been logical not cowering in fear someone may find out you have a secret. Truth be known, I have not felt so good as I have in the last 6 months.

[Paige]

For now... Since most days it's "I want" and thank God not "Need" to transition, trying to think of myself as Non-Binary helps. If that delicate balance changes to most days I feel I "Need" to.... Rest assured I will. Just as I knew I needed to all the other things to get me to this point of confusion to survive. To wake up on the sunny side of the grass. I hold and to have Joy in my life

Hi Joanne,

I would be interested to know a little more about how you would define "Need".  Is it the point where you figure your life isn't worth living anymore or is it something less than that?

Thanks,
Paige

[vicki_sixx]

Since most days it's "I want" and thank God not "Need" to transition, trying to think of myself as Non-Binary helps. .....To wake up on the sunny side of the grass. I hold and to have Joy in my life

I suppose I am in the same boat. I could easily live as a guy - I don't fear suicide if I don't transition like so many others - just that whilst I am living in boy mode I feel incomplete, I look at girls with jealousy first and sexual appreciation second, I feel my life is 2-D instead of 3-D, in black and white instead of colour. Whether I stay boy or go girl, even if that choice is the wrong move, I would adapt as opposed to feeling my life is ruined. As a result I could argue that I am not trans enough for transition and life would be easier (and cheaper) staying male but here's the thing:

That want is very real. It's a desire. And it won't go away. It might not be a need yet (though I disagree) but it may easily get that way after all, two years ago I never thought I'd consider transition and thought I was happy as a socially-active ->-bleeped-<-. However, I've been trans from being a very small child and had I enjoyed carte blanche to switch roles as I have now, I probaby would have come to transition much earlier - instead I experienced wave after wave of trans-ness and suppressed them with token gesture attempts at cross-dressing and gender-confirming limits of 'this is a hobby only', 'keep it secret', 'maybe it'll go away for good this time'. So what is only a want now may ot stay that way. But more than that - a want is a want, regardless. It's not a 'nice to have' or 'I'll take if you're giving it me but I wasn't gagging for one' like you do if someone offers you their doughnut because they're not going to eat it. Want is desire. Want is your subconscious/body telling you that it's required for appeasement. You may not need to eat food at this moment in time, you may only want it, but if you don't feed at some point then that want wil become a need.

In addition, my want is all-consuming. I think about it all the time. That is not an exaggeration. Every day not en femme feels a day wasted and I look at girls with jealousy. Not just those on a night out and wearing all the fun outfits but everyday wear, too. And makeip and eyebrows and nails. As said, my life feels 2-D when as a guy and there's that gnawing away at me constantly and so I know that if I don't go for it, I'll look back with regret. I don't want to be looking at that sunny side of grass in the knowledge that I missed my chance, thinking of the extra joy I could have had. Though I have no intention of quitting, the worst that can happen is that I try it and realise it's not for me after all but it's better to regret the things you have done than the things you haven't.

Or, better yet, say 'what the <not permitted>?!'. 'What the <not permitted>?!' gives you freedom, freedom brings you opportunity, opportunity makes your future. So damn the world and everyone in it, free yourself of burden, expectation and doubt - the minute you do - be it leaving a job, a relationship, deciding you want to cram a suitcase and be on the road in 30 minutes to a spontaneous weekend break - you are free, the world is your oyster. Now you can go anywhere and do anything (in this case start transition/live full-time). This is your opportunity. Whether you go back or go forward, you are devoid of limitations - you are creating your true future.

[Maybebaby56]

Here is the one the question my ex asked me when I told her....you may get this:

If you knew you were trans, why did we get married?

Yes. I got the corollary response to that too. She said, "You ruined my life.  I could have married someone else."

She, the unwed mother of two children I raised as my own.
She, who lives in a house she could never have afforded on her own - that I still pay the mortgage on even though I haven't lived there in four years.
She, who was able to go back to school and earn a Master's degree in education while we were married.

Yes, I sure ruined her life.

~Terri

[Julie Marie]

Here is the one the question my ex asked me when I told her....you may get this:

If you knew you were trans, why did we get married?

When I was asked that I answered honestly - Because I didn't know I was trans. 

Denial can be very powerful, especially when denial is easier than acceptance. 

In the end, some will be much happier not transitioning, some much happier transitioning and for some it will be a coin toss.  The trick is to figure out which one is you.  If it's the coin toss, good luck!  Don't ask me how I know. 

[Maybebaby56]

You're not crazy.
You're doing what you know you need to do.
The doom, gloom, pain and stress is not the end of your world - it's the birth of a new one.

Mine is not a new world, but a new me.  I spent 50+ years in the world that formed me, and led me to this point. I can't very well discard it, since it is part of me. However, I was prepared to lose it all its benefits. I honestly thought that would be the price of transition - loss of friends, loss of career, and loss of family.  So far I have kept my career - I actually transitioned on the job - and kept most of my friends, but I lost my sons.  At least for now.  However, I believe that if I can show them I still love them long enough, that we will meet again down the line.

This is an amazing thread.  I am proud of you all because I relate so clearly to what you are saying.  Great things often come at great cost.

~Terri

[Kylo]

Ty for your responses. I wasn't expecting answers just insite as I was venting in a bad place last night. I know I'm fully going through with my transition. Deserve to be happy and anybody that stops me doesn't want what is physically best for me and imo it's unfair to ask someone not to and have them suffer for the rest of there life. I know my wife will support my transition but not want to remain married. And I think that's fair. She never asked for this life and I can't hold that against her. I'm sure my kids will be supporting.  Their kids and kids are generally awesome like that. As for work and financially speaking that I have no choice but to blow that up. But what ever. But honestly if it all goes side ways at least I tried and all you can do is pick your self up and make the best out of the situation

That's how I look at it.

When I possibly expected some support on this issue from the person I have devoted most of my energy and affection to on this planet the response was "I don't know how you do it. If I were you would have killed myself a long time ago." Still trying to figure if I should chalk that up to sickening pessimism or some kind of compliment.

Either way it was like magic words. Killing myself is the absolute last thing I will do because I want to be there for that moment when I flip Life the bird from a place of satisfaction. I'm going to do this thing no matter what or who tries to stop me. You know you got to a place you wanted to be in before (now, bar transition); you know you can do it again, that it is possible.

[Nina_Ottawa]

Yes. I got the corollary response to that too. She said, "You ruined my life.  I could have married someone else."

She, the unwed mother of two children I raised as my own.
She, who lives in a house she could never have afforded on her own - that I still pay the mortgage on even though I haven't lived there in four years.
She, who was able to go back to school and earn a Master's degree in education while we were married.

Yes, I sure ruined her life.

~Terri

Terri,
Lol...I'm the same...."you got the house, cottage, my daughter, my retirement account," and you're mad at me?

[vicki_sixx]

Mine is not a new world, but a new me.

A tad pedantic. Switch 'world' for 'life', then. I was going for a birthing theme anyway.