I'm going insane!

[gothique11]

OMG, I think I'm heading towards insanity! I can't sleep. I hate being in limbo in the system. I have nightmares that after the surgery things will grow back, or that they can't complete the surgery for some reason. I'm trying so hard not to think about it. I'm trying to keep busy. But, still, anxieties keep coming up.

And now I'm freak'n because I'm getting a lot of pain where my left ovary is. My mom actually told me that I was intersexed last time I saw her... well, I have stuff inside me, not complete and mostly on the left side (I've had lots of issues regarding it when I was younger, mostly infections that would spread to my bladder, etc). And five years ago, when it was hurting lots before, they did an ultra sound and the doc said that there was some "extra tissue" there (he didn't specify) and that it was just inflamed and infected and I was given antibiotics and anti-inflammatories.

But recently it's been really, really hurting. I keep waking up with the pain (on top of that, nightmares). And I'm freaking out hoping it's not bad and hoping that that doesn't some how stop me from surgery or something like that.

What's worse, is that one of my friends (FtM) is in the hospital and he had the same symptoms and might have to go for surgery. My mom had similar issues with her ovaries and had them taken out in her 20's as well. So, I'm freaking out that it might be worse than the regular inflammations/infections I get and that some how if I go for surgery for that that it will put back my SRS date.

So, yeah, I'm freaking out and probably making things sound bigger than they already are. I've got to go to the doctors and he's got to check it out now. I'm just hoping that it's the normal inflammations I get, and that's all, and everything is going to be okay. I don't know why I'm freaking out so much. It hurts for sure, and it hurt before, but is it my anxiety that's making me think it's hurting worse than before or something else. Last time it was hurting was six months ago, but it went a way after a bit. And a year before, just as I was starting full-time, I had to take antibiotics, get blood tests, pee in a cup... they didn't ultra sound then, but the antibiotics and anti-inflammatories seemed to help some.

Oh, I honestly don't want this and I wish I didn't have extra parts down there! It's annoying. I rarely, rarely talk about it because honestly, it's just caused problems in my life health wise. And now it's happening again, and I'm really hoping it's not serious. And I know that if I'm not healthy for the surgery, it could be a set back. Especially if things are going wonky down there! And I honestly don't want to go for more testing, poking and prodding to see what's going on down there. *I don't wanna be a %&^# lab rat!*

I keep trying to remind myself that five-ish months away isn't too bad, and people have it worse than me. But then I remind myself that I've already had a delay, and that things are not completely set in stone and anything could happen between now and then.

*tries to think positive thoughts, tries to think positive thoughts*

*breathes*

Sorry, I just needed to get this out. I don't know why all of a sudden I've started to freak out. The pain has been consistent for two weeks and in the last five days it's gotten worse and it's really starting to bother me and worry me. And then, to find out on Saturday that my friend went into the hospital, whom I visited today in the hospital, kind of probably helps to the freaking out part. And then my mom telling me that I'm IS, add to that. For years and years I've denied it. I didn't want it to be. I know I have health issues from it from time to time, but I just... *sigh* I don't know if I want to admit it or think about it, but now I have to, I guess. And it's staring me in the face and I really don't want to deal with this on top of everything thing else right now.

*breathes*

Okay, so my plan is to go to the doctors, not think about SRS coming up. Not think about possible health conditions that could make SRS further way. Try to sleep, drink tea or something. My psychiatrist offered sleeping pills, but I don't really want those because I used to be addicted to them. So, I declined. So, I'm going to drink sleepy time tea. I'm going to keep uber busy at work. I'm going to try to think positive. Everything will be all right.

And now I'm talking to myself online. *sigh* Can't I just have a healthy, normal body?


--Natalie


*breathes*

[Sarah]

There you go!
Breathe!

And talk to your doctor about the pain.

Try an do everything you can to relax and reduce stress.

Tons of research shows that stress reduction as relaxation is good for health as well as aids healing and surgery.

You are not going to help yourself if you get an ulcer!

I would just relax, Breathe, do something relaxing like a shower or something.

Tea sounds nice.

Trust your gut. It won't let you down.

-Sarah

[gothique11]

Thnx. I'm drinking some tea now and I called the doctor's office (GP) and I'm going to see him Friday Morning. I also get to see the results of my latest wacko hormone levels and get any prescription updates if needed. Last time he was worried about my E levels spiking too high, so they might have to cut my estrogen level a bit 'cause too much E can be a bad thing. They also had to cut my spiro down, but the ironic thing is that my T levels sunk even further down after the spiro cut... and then my Endro claims that I don't need spiro, but is keeping me on it until my laser is all done to help with any hair growth, etc.

But yeah, hopefully things will work out at the doctors, and hopefully nothing really bad is wrong, and I can keep on going and keep my mind off things for a while, enjoy the holidays and stuff like that.

[Wing Walker]

Hi, Natalie,

I am not IS so I won't tell you that I know just how you feel, however, it does explain why you are such a looker.

I had a friend whom everyone thought was F to M.  Her name is Marian and she was born IS.  I knew her pretty well because I had a huge apartment and I was blessed with many GF who came there to gather and learn how to conduct themselves in the world at-large.

Marian is pretty, not handsome.  She has thick, long hair, a wonderful smile, and  knockout figure.  She did lot of her RLE with me.

When she went to Dr. B. for GRS the good doctor found that the had an ovary and part of a uterus within her.  The partial organs were removed without incident.

Point:  I doubt that a GRS surgeon would be surprised with finding them or knowing that they were inside of you. 

I also don't know that surgery to remove what's there will affect your date for GRS.  Many abdominal surgeries are done laparoscopically without a huge incision and months of mending.  I had my gall bladder sent to another dimension in 2003 via laparoscopic surgery. 

It's also possible that your doc will not recommend surgery right now and let it wait for your GRS.

I would start talking to the doctors to get the best info that I could.  It can keep you from going crazy.  Call your HRT doc and ask his/her opinion.  Ask your doc at home to call your HRT doc and let the two of them sort it out for you.

Asking the questions will help save your sanity.

I hope that this helps.

Wing Walker

[TheBattler]

Hi Natalle,

I hope you feel better soon


I am a long way away but just seing what you have read I will get it sorted out ASAP. Having an affection just before major surgery (your description suggest it could happen any time) is not good any may also put back your surgery. Look at your options now.

Alice

[gothique11]

Well, I'm seeing my doc on Friday. Hopefully I'm just freaking out, like normal, and nothing really bad is wrong. It's probably just the usual bothers I get.

[NicholeW.]

Hi, Nat.

Really hope you calm down a bit. I know this must all be enough to worry warts on a toad, but, sweetie, ya gotta calm yourself some at least. I think a heart-attack might not be the best precursor to surgery!!! Brassard might have a real problem with that.

So, what will happen between now and Friday that might make anything worse? Ya got the appt set and you'll see the doc on Friday. You're drinking tea. Now put your legs up and try to imagine Natalie totally complete.

Yeah, that's it. Just walking along in the summer in a sundress an feeling the breeze blowing through your hair. Sweet smell in the air, everything's fresh and alive and you are feeling really perky. Just sauntering along.

Hugs,

Nichole

[cindybc]

Hi, Nat,

Sorry for being late getting here,

Just try to relax some, OK? I know, look at who's telling who to relax, little old worry-wart me. I think If I didn't have Wing Walker with me I would probably fall to pieces.

I have been going through some bad times with depression lately myself so when I feel like that I spend a lot of time on the Internet. You almost make me feel guilty, you know?  I have never been seriously sick one day in my life, well unless one counts hangovers.

The gloomies I'm having, it's normal. I call it the Christmas Season gloomies. I just wish we could skip over it. When it starts to get more daylight I'll feel better. Well, anyway, I'll keep you in mind hon and I will send prayers for you that everything goes fine.

Cindy

[gothique11]

thnx everyone. I'm probably just stressed with different things going on, and then work is insane -- I work retail. So, there's all the xmas stress going on, etc. I'm trying to relax.

I get the worrying from my grandma on my dad's side (she's passed on now). Her and I were pretty close. I think one of her favorite stories about me was when I was in grade one and in an xmas play. Everyone in the class was part of the play (it was pretty simple, we just dressed up and sung some xmas song). Anyway, they had boy and girl costumes. The girl costumes were angels and very beautiful. I kept refusing to put on the boy costume and wanted to wear what all the rest of the girls were wearing. I just refused to wear the boy costume. The teacher fought and fought with me but I refused. My mom and step dad also tried to convince me to wear the boy costume, but I kept refusing. So, I ended up wearing the girl angel costume and I was very, very happy and I didn't care that the other kids were making fun of me -- I felt beautiful and perfect in that moment.

--Natalie

[cindybc]

Hi Nat. I could feel the emotions in your post. Yep there was only one day per year where I could touch my dream and that was Halloween and when I was preschool I use to play with the girl next door, her name was Christine. Well when we played house we also dressed up and to be sure I had me a girls clothes on me. Sometimes Christine would invite some of the other neighborhood girls for tea parties, How so do i remember being so proud of what I was swearing in front of those other girls.

I could tell ya all kinds of kids stories but not tonight

Cindy

Posted on: December 17, 2007, 11:36:29 PMUnless you wanna hear more of my stories. I am not to far away.

Cindy

[gothique11]

Okay, I know what it is -- I'm having my ->-bleeped-<-ing period! It just usually doesn't hurt this much before hand (I usually feel something)... and now it really has set in. I feel sick, I'm not breaking out on my jaw line, and I just feel ick. This happens every month around this time. I hate this! I don't know why it hurt so much this time, however. But, stress probably played into it. But, yeah, I started feeling sick last night, lots of pain, and then I'm waking up to day with a pimple, feeling sick, and all of the usual Natalie type periods I get.

So, I guess that's good in a way. I still don't know why I was hurting for a week before, especailly during the weekend. But, yeah, probably stress and worries, and then talking to a friend who was in pain too and went into the hospital probably added to it because I'm not used to these bad of cramps. Like, I mentioned before, I've had the pain before during my life that was pretty bad at times. Usually, although, I just feel a cramped up with only a bit of pain, then morning sickness, and breaking out, and feeling not-so-good.

So, yay, mystery solved. .... Hummm, if they take out the stuff during surgery, that might mean none of this period crap. Yayness!

I wonder if being off progesterone now has affected things a bit, and maybe that's why it feels more painful. *shrugs*


--Natalie