Living Stealth - To Tell or not to Tell?

[Sheila]

For myself, I tell. I don't want to be put back into the closet again. This is what will happen, you will be afraid that someone will find out, so you are looking over your shoulder again. This is not what I want to do with my life. I have gone back to work as a female and have not hidden that I was once genical male. I get a lot of questions and I answer them honestly. There are people who just don't get it and they have a cross to burn. It is like that in anything us humans do. Not my problem, their problem.
Sheila

[4years]

Actually another benefit to not being stealth (benefit more to the community than self) is it raises awareness.. The down side is we then must be good representatives, of course.

[LostInTime]

My past is my business, period.  Right now I am out and answering questions but it is getting old quickly.  In a few years I see myself moving and then quietly moving on in life.

[Drew]

Not telling causes another problem. If you are with someone for a period of time, omitting your past would not be the only thing, it would require many lies to replace the missing history. It is a slippery slope, suddenly the whole relationship is based on lies.


Beth makes an excellent point.  I can't imagine the energy and concentration that would be required to keep up a deception of this sort.  A true partnership cannot be based on a mountain of lies.

[Thundra]

I find this query to be silly and non-sensical?

How many other women do you know that feel obliged to disclose any anatomical anomalies upon greeting another person?  Do you think that all women are born anatomically the same? You as a human, first and formost are not obiged to tell anyone a blessed thing. You are also obliged to respect the privacy rights of other people in a self-ascribed social gathering and to follow their rules if you are accepted into their midst.  PBR!  Please Be Respectful.

If, however you become intimate with someone, it is something that should come up with all of your other personal her-story. After all, why would you want to hide stuff from your friend/lover/partner, unless you were untrustworthy?

And......having GCS/SRS/FFS....whatever does not make you a woman, or a womyn.  Sex and gender are two different things, right?  Females are born, women are made, the saying goes. Only you know if you were born female or male.  Eventually, the truth will out anyways.

Behaviour, masculine or feminine is not etched in stone based on one's physical sex. People behave as they are.  But every woman I know can pick out someone trying to ACT feminine or masculine. If you have to ACT this way or that, you are not that thing. You are pretending to be that thing.  And onbody loves a liar. Well, except for codependent folx, but that is for another forum.

That is my two cents worth.

Thundra,

Can I rain on your parade today?

[4years]

Being 'out' does not mean "Hi my name is Kim and I'm a Transsexual", rather "When was your last period?" "I haven't had to worry about that." "Oh, why is that?" "I'm transsexual" , etc.

[Thundra]

I know lots of women that would answer that question, "when was your last period?" like this:  I don't have them, I've never had them, I don't have them anymore.  Oh, and many would include, and Boy am I glad!!!

Many, many women have no period, or inconsistent periods, and many more are post-menopausal, peri-menopasusal, or have had surgery to remove their uterus.

By choosing to call yourself transsexual, you have labelled yourself as different. I respect that choice, but it is your choice.  I too am different.  I am queer as hell, and kinky too.  That is my label. We all decide what label can or cannot be affixed to us. Silence is deference. To be silent in the face of opression is acceptance of oppression.  Choose your own label.  Choose wisely.

[4years]

I knew that was a poor example.

Regardless though, the premise is the same, being 'out' and open rather than being closed and evasive.

'transsexual' is a term that *they* can understand and simplifies telling them I'm a girl but was born with the wrong body and then having to explain that. Granted they probably won't put 'transsexual' under the proper heading and I'd have to explain anyway, but as I said above, being 'out' raises awareness.

[Susan]

I find this query to be silly and non-sensical?

How many other women do you know that feel obliged to disclose any anatomical anomalies upon greeting another person?  Do you think that all women are born anatomically the same? You as a human, first and formost are not obiged to tell anyone a blessed thing. You are also obliged to respect the privacy rights of other people in a self-ascribed social gathering and to follow their rules if you are accepted into their midst.  PBR!  Please Be Respectful.

No one ever suggested running around telling casual acquaintances. I only said you should tell someone you want to be romantically involved with before getting involved.

[Sarah Louise]

Well I agree that many girls like us have not been "raised" as women and therefore don't always understand the subilties of being female.  I don't feel it is necessary, or right, to tell everyone we meet that we are not genetic women.

We (those who are full time or post op) live as women and for us to fit in is of great importance.  We must "live" as women and not think of ourselves as anything less.

I will admit that in some areas I have problems, one, I never learned how to take care of long hair as a child, I didn't learn how to swish my hips as I walk, but I did learn how to cook, sew, knit and do other things that young girls learn as they grew.

I do understand that it would be important to tell any romantic interestes of my situation though.  It would not be fair to marry and not tell your future husband about yourself and anyway someone you feel that close to should be able to handle it.

Just my feelings. 

Sarah Louise Reiter

[Webe]

I used to have an account here w/ the name Theresa - but for some reason I can no longer login with that name - so I created a new account w/ the name "Webe."  Anyway, I know I don't check in very often, but here I am...

To tell or not to tell is such a personal question.  Before surgery I was very open about what was going on with me - I told anyone who cared to know.  In fact, I was involved in a group at school, where I would talk in front of various groups about what it was like to be "me."  It surprised me that anyone cared, or showed interest.

After surgery, I got tired of living that way.  I had just finished school, took the opportunity to move, and for the most part have refrained from talking about my gender issues.  I just wanted to live in my "new" life.  The frustrating thing for me has been when my "current" life inevitably collides with my past life...  It does happen - and I suspect it happens to everyone who leaves their hometown and starts a new life - not necessarily related to gender issues.  You can never go home, right?  Ironically, the biggest frustration doesn't come when people remember me as a different gender, but when people remember me for other reasons that I'm embarrased of.  Isn't that true of everyone, though?

The fact is, life is so much bigger than our gender issues.  I am very active at my church, I run a successful business, I absolutely love spending time with my Godchildren and friends.  I purposfully try to spend my life doing things without regard to any labels that people may give me.  I can honestly say that only a few people in my day-to-day life know about my gender issues.  Not because I think I pass particularly well, but because of my attitude - I like to believe that people see me as so much more than that - hopefully they think of me as a caring, loving, giving person before they ever think of me as a transsexual.

I hope that the decision about whether to live in "stealth" mode or not is minor, when compared to the other, more important decisions in your life.

I believe that if you focus on that one thing about you, others will too.  If you whow the world what you *really* care about - if you let those around you know the depth of your character, I believe that it won't matter whether you live in "stealth" or not.

That's just my $0.02 worth...  :-)

I'll step down from my soapbox now.

Peace, Hope, and Love,
Theresa

[Dennis]

You can never go home, right?  Ironically, the biggest frustration doesn't come when people remember me as a different gender, but when people remember me for other reasons that I'm embarrased of.  Isn't that true of everyone, though?

It's funny you should say that. I live in the same small town I grew up in. When I was 19 years old, I totalled my mother's car. A couple of years ago, I borrowed mum's car because mine was in the shop. I went to fill up with gas and the guy at the gas pumps said "hah! Your mother is letting you use her car after what you did to the last one?". Twenty one years later, he remembers that. Geez.

So for me, living stealth is so not an option But I do plan on just being a regular guy when I'm out of town.

Dennis

[Leigh]

Theresa!

  It has been a long time.  Probably 3 years since you have posted here and since May of 2000 when we met.

  Leigh

[Theresa]

Hi Leigh!

I'ts been a while; thanks Susan, for resetting my account - it's nice to be back.

I'll write a little about what's been happening in my life in another thread, under post-op life...

Cheers,
Theresa

[gina_taylor]

Hi Rose

My personal feelings after one has SRS is to move on with their new life and forgot about their past life. Like you said, why do we have to tell anyone of our SRS? After SRS, we'll be a woman  in every sense of the word and no one will be the wiser - as such, why would we want to or possess the need to, inform anyone? What risks are there in not disclosing our past?

Right now I'm living in stealth due to work problems, but in due time I'll be coming out and I'll be so much happier!!! 

Gina

[cjbutterfly]

To tell or not to tell, well you do have to change your name, don't forget, so your employer will need up to date records of you, and your gender change will be reflected in the name change, so they will have to know..

Your driving licence tax records etc... will all have to reflect your new identity, so the Government have to know.

Next you will have to use the ladies, rather than the gents, which will make things rather obvious because you will have to do so at work as well, and if somebody who knows you sees you going into a public ladies toilet, at the very least they could think it rather odd, or they could 'out' you to everybody you know, either in your personal, or your working life.

'Oh look there's Terry, in a dress,' (laughs loudly), do you want to be a laughing stock, not that you won't be for some anyway.

So isn't it really better for people to know the truth about you, from your lips, because the truth is something that has it's own way of worming it's way out one way, or another.

[gina_taylor]

That's a very good point there CJ. I didn't think of it from that point of view that when you do change genders that there is a lot of other little changes that must be made as well. Thanks for bringing them to my attention.

Gina

[Northern Jane]

(My goodness! It has been so long since my last visit that I could find no trace of my last user name. Oh well, not the first time I have "started over"  )

I have found this thread very interesting as I have been considering the matter again.

I had SRS in 1974 - I'm a "Biber Girl" - in my early 20's. Prior to SRS, the psychological testing had placed me at 50/50 - could be either. Some people around my home town knew I was "strange" but I did a good job of passing as a male (most of the time) and lived a pretty "straight" life - small towns were not tollerent of "differences" in those days!

I made the transition and SRS in one great jump - from male in my home town to female in a new location - and made a complete break from the past. I looked the part (of my new identity) and was never suspected. I will admit that I was pretty wild in my early days (thank god it was before AIDS!) and having any guy I fancied did a lot for my crumpled sense of self (BAD home life, even without dealing with TSism!). In the early days, I took the attitude that it was nobody else's business, PERIOD! I was married (briefly) and chose not to share my background with my husband.  (The marriage ended after a year but it had nothing to do with my past.)

The only "problem" came up when a traveling salesman visited my employer's office, a salesman who had seen me in my home town years earlier, and asked someone in the office if I had a sister in my home town. They put two and two together and the story spread thru the office. (My employer was extraordinary and told people that if they had any problem with me, they could look for another job.)

About 10 years post-op, I had moved a number of times (career moves) and was living in a different part of the country when I became involved with a person I cared about. When the relationship turned serious, I chose to share my past with him. My choice to share was simply so that if anything happened and the past came back to haunt us, he would have heard it from me rather than someone else. He was very understanding and sympathetic (he was a really nice guy!).

About 8 years into that relationship, something DID happen! "A friend of a friend" (and I use the word "friend" with considerable venom!) was working in a medical facility in a nearby city and saw my medical file. When my so-called friend and I had a parting of the ways, she spread the story of my medical background far and wide.

Over the years post-op, I had slowly drifted into "being just me" with little consideration to what others thought and I became involved again in some of the not-typically-feminine things that I had enjoyed pre-op, so when the stories spread, I guss they were more believable.

I neither dispelled nor confirmed the stories that went around, although no one asked me directly. I lost a few "friends"  who were put off by the rumours.. There were a few co-workers who treated me differently, and there were a few very close friends that became even closer friends. Among those who continued to be my friends (without having the rumour confirmed or denied), I did detect a change in the way they interacted with me. Many were a little more aloof.

It has been almost 15 years since the rumours and I have been single again for the past 10 years. I would like to get out and "date" again but it's kind of tough, living in a rural area. I know that just about everybody heard the rumours and I know that the rumours could be a source of "hesitation" for many guys. I often wonder if "coming out" about my past would at least remove any uncertainty and maybe . . . maybe what? Now being in my mid-50s, I know that there are fewer available men and the ratio will continue to thin out the field, but it would be nice to have companionship.

The other thing I have considered about coming out is the "PR effect" for other TS people. I have been very high profile for many years and a lot of people sort of "look up" to me for my career and other achievements in the communitiy. To be able to say "Hey, I was born with the wrong body and I turned out ok, didn't I?"

I have never lied to anybody about my past (although I am very good at deflecting any inappropriate questions) but I have shared it only with a VERY few people. I have always felt that it is (usually) nobody else's business. On the other hand, it should not be something that needs to be hidden.

Maybe one day the world will be perfect and it will no longer be an issue  . . .

[Cassandra]

Hi Jane,

Let me start by saying welcome back to Susan's. A few months back there were some, shall we say, external software problems, which is probably responsible for your user name having been lost.

Your response to the question is very enlightning. I am pre-op and myself living in a small rural mountain tourist town. I came out here after having lived as my "other self" for some 7 months prior to going full time as my real self. I have had a great deal of acceptance and some not so good reactions. None violent or even vocal, thank the goddess. A lot of talk behind my back, or so I've heard but nothing malicious.

In a way I'm kind of glad because everyone knows yet they accept me as a woman and those who don't just keep their mouths shut. People see me on the street and greet me by my name and stop and engage me in conversation. I really love my town and the people in it. Of course this is not always the case with everyone. Many people live in small towns that are not as accepting as this one and for them living stealth may be a necessity.

My self I have never lived in the same place more than maybe 5 years or so before moving. Sometimes within the community sometimes in near poximity, sometimes clear to another state or across the country. As such I have more of an attitude of, if I don't like it someplace I just move. I'm used to it. It is how I was raised and it is as natural to me as walking. I say this because I cannot say to you emphatically yes come out and make a clean break of it in your community. I have no perspective to make that kind of call. I can only say that from my experience it has worked out better in the long run.

Cassie

[ILoveTSWomen]

This has been a very interesting thread...

My take, as a man who likes women... GG or TG.. is that you can't build any lasting relationship on less than honesty.

It really scares me that you have to worry about Violence being done to you over who you are... that is sooo wrong.

I also find it disturbing that many of you have to relocate to some place where you are unknown to start over because of lack of acceptance in your communities.

When things are rough and you're down.. you NEED the support of people you know and love.. I don't know about being TG, I'm not and won't patronize you by saying I fully understand... but I do understand needing a support system.

Anyway, back to the subject.. if they don't need to know, why complicate things... but if is someone who will mean something to you and your life.. yeah, they probably do

DennisInGA.. to make the distinction from the other Dennis LOL