Sometimes, I just don't know what to say

[RachelH]

Does anyone else ever feel, either as you read on here or talk to someone, feel like you should say SOMETHING but just not sure what that "something" is?  I am not talking about small talk or chit chat, I mean, I just want to talk...but I am not sure what about.  I mentioned on another post that I am relatively new into my journey (just came out to my wife a few months ago and she is very supportive), but even talking to her I sometimes just feel I am still not being "me" as she has not seen "me" yet...not sure when/if that will happen.

I spoke to my GT yesterday and told her I am just feeling a bit "off" lately but like not knowing what to say, I am not sure exactly what "off" is either. 

See, as I read what I am typing, I don't think I am making any sense...thanks for letting me just ramble a bit!
Paula

[ghostbees]

When I feel like this I usually try and write what I want to say down and show it to them


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[HappyMoni]

Paula,
   I am not sure if this fits what you mean or not. Being trans means having an incredible feeling of longing for something that is out of reach. For me, I think I am needing a satisfaction that is further down the road of my transition. I try to talk about it but no possible conversation will scratch the itch that I have. There is a sense though that if I could just find the right words, have the right conversation that my incredible hunger will be satisfied for a while. In reality, having my body and mind aligned is the only thing that will make it right. Don't get me wrong, talking about being trans, removing the weight of the "secret" is a big positive. The dyphoria does not leave by just coming out. Hope this makes sense.
Monica

[Dena]

I am not sure this is the same thing but for years I didn't have contact with anybody in the community so I spent endless hours attempting to put the pieces together in my mind. Much of it was because there was much I didn't know. As I learned more, some of the pieces fit together and the rest could be discarded.

I suspect you just need more time to see the rest of the pictures and you will know the questions you still need answers to. This is a process that you can't rush but I think it will come in time.

[RachelH]

Monica, I think you pretty much summed it up.  Especially your comment, "I try to talk about it but no possible conversation will scratch the itch that I have." 

Dena, I agree, there is so much I don't understand and like many of us on here, I have been dealing with this for a half a century.
Paula

[HappyMoni]

Paula,
   When you move forward instead of hiding, keeping a lid on being transgender becomes very hard. I am amazed  at anyone who can start down the road a little way and then go back to holding the feeling down again. I hate that anyone finds that they have to. For me, I thought I would make a little progress, and I would be able to be satisfied. Not saying this is you but when the door opened there was never any going back. It is now like a freight train with no brakes. Transition in my case has satisfied a lot of my feeling. Other parts remain. I hope my GCS will be the end of that. I deal with the feeling that you described by coming to this site. It helps keep me sane when dysphoric feelings hit hard. I hope this post helps and doesn't worry or depress you in any way.
Monica

[RachelH]

Paula,
   When you move forward instead of hiding, keeping a lid on being transgender becomes very hard. I am amazed  at anyone who can start down the road a little way and then go back to holding the feeling down again. I hate that anyone finds that they have to. For me, I thought I would make a little progress, and I would be able to be satisfied. Not saying this is you but when the door opened there was never any going back. It is now like a freight train with no brakes. Transition in my case has satisfied a lot of my feeling. Other parts remain. I hope my GCS will be the end of that. I deal with the feeling that you described by coming to this site. It helps keep me sane when dysphoric feelings hit hard. I hope this post helps and doesn't worry or depress you in any way.
Monica

Monica, you could be writing a book on my life right now.  I had a similar conversation with my GT this past week.  She asked if I could go back would I, I can honestly say NO!  I simply want to move forward but I am still not sure what way if forward sometimes...and no, it does not worry or depress me!  Thank you for your understanding!
Paula

[HappyMoni]

Paula,
   I found it helped to know that others felt the same way I did. A benefit to being on here is seeing so many others who understand and deal with many of the same feelings. Growing up isolated it is easy to think you are the only one with such thoughts. I hope you are able to see your path soon. If I can ever help, give feedback or whatever, I would be glad to. My friends call me Moni. I'll be around dealing with my own demons lol.
Moni

[RachelH]

Paula,
   I found it helped to know that others felt the same way I did. A benefit to being on here is seeing so many others who understand and deal with many of the same feelings. Growing up isolated it is easy to think you are the only one with such thoughts. I hope you are able to see your path soon. If I can ever help, give feedback or whatever, I would be glad to. My friends call me Moni. I'll be around dealing with my own demons lol.
Moni

Thanks Moni, and if I can do anything for you as well please do not hesitate to ask!!  Let's kick our demons together!!!
Paula