Would would you do if you couldn't afford to transition?

[Claire90]

Hi All

I've been living the real life experience now for nearly 6 months but have not started hormones yet as I really want to be 110% sure this is the right thing for me to do. My reasons for beginning RLE in the first place was because I had a breakdown about 2 years ago when a switch went off in my head and told me that I could no longer live just part time as Claire anymore. I became quite depressed and hated anyone using male pronouns to address me or just being in a social situation as a guy was enough to make me cry.

Before this, I was just a part time transgirl and had been seriously dressing on and off for the last 15 years and in that time I was quite happy to have the best of both worlds. I did go though a similar episode about 13 years ago and went to get a referal from my GP, which eventually led to an appointment at the GIC clinic at Charing Cross in London.

At that time though I could not (and wasn't ready mentally) to start living full time, so that came to an abrubt end fairly quickly. I started taking hormones privately and felt great once I started but I became seriously ill and my doctor advised me to stop and I remember that my own health was more important than transitioning so I just went back to being a part time transgirl and was happy with that up until a couple of years ago when the gender dysphoria decided to strike back again.

One of my questions now is to do with the cost of transitioning, which varies of course with each person. But as someone on a relatively low income and probably could only afford the cost of hormones is this really something I should be going into? I have issues with my appearance also and knowing that I can never afford any surgery costs makes it quite hard to deal with. Either I just accept the way I am or I go back to living part time again, which was alot easier obviously and I didnt care too much about how I looked either. I think my main worry is how bad will the dysphoria get for me with increasing age? I don't believe I will commit suicde as it's just not in me to do such a thing but really at the moment I'm living with the fear of not knowing what's to come.

Claire

[Rachel]

I do not know anything about the UK health system so I can not comment about that.

For me Dysphoria kept getting worse with age. I transitioned when I had to. For me it was the right decision to transition and I feel so much better it is amazing. The thing I needed was GCS, everything else is secondary yet important for socialization and feeling better about myself.  I would never know this unless I did RLE ( which I like), FFS ( externally life altering), HRT ( amazing) and GCS ( genital dysphoria cure for me). 

Perhaps some of our UK sisters can give you information about the cost of transition in the UK.

[KathyLauren]

I'm living with the fear of not knowing what's to come.

Well, that makes you human, because *no one* knows what is to come!  Predicting the future is guesswork at best.  We just take our best guess and muddle our way forward.

So waiting to be 110% sure is a losing game.  You will never be that certain of anything.  Part of the skill in life is learning to be content with 80% sure and accepting the remaining 20% as an adventure.

No one can say how bad your dysphoria will get if you do not transition.  Only you can know that, and only you can make the decision.  But what is predictable (to 80%, anyway ) is that it will get worse over time.

I hear you on the cost.  It's not cheap, especially if you do not have insurance to help with the costs.  It's a tough call. 

[SailorMars1994]

Hey Claire, my name is Ashley. If it make you feel not so a lone i too am faced with a similar dilema. I have a job that gives 10 hours a week in a tiny town with almost no other way to get out. So pretty soon, if my meidcal is all good it is off to the Military. I will be forced to be that guy again. And to be honest, i often dont know if i can do it . I cant go a full day in man mode without feeling down. So i can relate. May i ask what do you do Claire? and is there a loop=hole you can do to make your transition easier?

[FTMax]

Is there an issue with getting another referral to the GIC? I was under the impression that this was a free or low cost service for trans people provided by the NHS. If you're thinking about surgeries and the like down the road and living full time, it seems like it would be worth pursuing again. I'm sure they'd understand not being ready in the past, especially since such a large amount of time has passed.

[JoanneB]

I think my main worry is how bad will the dysphoria get for me with increasing age? I don't believe I will commit suicde as it's just not in me to do such a thing but really at the moment I'm living with the fear of not knowing what's to come.

Claire

To paraphrase my wife and therapist... "Who made you God?"

As an engineer I like knowing the answers and the potential downsides before I flip the switch on a 50,000V 1/2 Mega-Watt power supply. Very bad things can happen very fast. It's good to have a Plan A and at a minimum a Plan B. Same goes for my own life. I hate unknowns. I want a reasonable surety of the outcome before "I flip the switch"

A lot of that "reasonable surety" had to go into the dust bin when I knew I needed to take on the Trans-Beast for real this time. I already had 2 utter fail transition experiments in my 20's. The one thing I knew for sure was being TG had a vast negative affect on how I thought and acted. I needed to loose a lot of bad ways of looking at myself and my life. I needed to learn new tools and new ways to see myself.

What I did not "Need" was to transition socially. Been there, tried it twice. But after a few years of healing never again became a could happen. Days of utter despair and depression turned into days filled with joy. Especially with fair success at living part time as female. But their are the realities of life. Not just my own but of my loved ones.

Yes, I want to transition, if this was a perfect world. If I did much of the other 80% of what goes into making me Me is put into jeopardy. Things may eventually work out fine just like so far things with my wife are going OK with her being jealous of my breasts. But other aspects like the financial hit I'll take if/when I loose my fun job; Loosing a totally fun job; Putting the health of my wife, BFF, soul-mate & reality therapist at risk; Are unknowns I cannot be sure of the outcome. All for what is mostly 20-25% of what makes up Me.

Yet there are those darker days when I feel I just may "Need" to transition. The GD intensity overwhelms my abilities to cope with the normal background noise. They are few and the pain very real. If/when the need to days become too much my want will be a need.

When there is a great enough "Need To" the risk becomes a negligible factor. I am thankful that unlike so many I have seen join my TG support group these past 7 years, total basket cases of confusion and fears overwhelmed by their GD, they needed to transition.

[Kylo]

Hi All

I've been living the real life experience now for nearly 6 months but have not started hormones yet as I really want to be 110% sure this is the right thing for me to do. My reasons for beginning RLE in the first place was because I had a breakdown about 2 years ago when a switch went off in my head and told me that I could no longer live just part time as Claire anymore. I became quite depressed and hated anyone using male pronouns to address me or just being in a social situation as a guy was enough to make me cry.

Before this, I was just a part time transgirl and had been seriously dressing on and off for the last 15 years and in that time I was quite happy to have the best of both worlds. I did go though a similar episode about 13 years ago and went to get a referal from my GP, which eventually led to an appointment at the GIC clinic at Charing Cross in London.

At that time though I could not (and wasn't ready mentally) to start living full time, so that came to an abrubt end fairly quickly. I started taking hormones privately and felt great once I started but I became seriously ill and my doctor advised me to stop and I remember that my own health was more important than transitioning so I just went back to being a part time transgirl and was happy with that up until a couple of years ago when the gender dysphoria decided to strike back again.

One of my questions now is to do with the cost of transitioning, which varies of course with each person. But as someone on a relatively low income and probably could only afford the cost of hormones is this really something I should be going into? I have issues with my appearance also and knowing that I can never afford any surgery costs makes it quite hard to deal with. Either I just accept the way I am or I go back to living part time again, which was alot easier obviously and I didnt care too much about how I looked either. I think my main worry is how bad will the dysphoria get for me with increasing age? I don't believe I will commit suicde as it's just not in me to do such a thing but really at the moment I'm living with the fear of not knowing what's to come.

Claire

On the NHS there is a budget allocated for GIC services, which is probably why the wait time is so bad. As I hear it, they review your case, you have to pay for the hormones yourself (but considering I pay the cost of a normal subsidized prescription, what is it like... £8-9 a pop? 6 times a year versus something like $500 in the USA for the same, it's pretty damn good); but the surgery is something they request funding for from the local health commissioners to cover if you are not going the private route. They have to secure the funding for each patient which can take a certain amount of time, but far as I am told it does not cost you a cent outside of the National Insurance we all pay on every paycheck.

[SadieBlake]

I've been dealing with inability to afford it for a long time now, deciding not to medically transition was something I did 15 years ago.

In terms of finances and priorities I can easily afford HRT, with insurance i think I can swing GCS. I don't think I will ever be able to afford electrolysis and as my beard is mostly white now, laser treatment isn't an option.

If I couldn't afford GCS, I would manage dysphoria as best as I can with HRT.

[MissGendered]

The irony for me was that I could have afforded my transition, as long as I did not actually transition, lol..

But my dysphoria overwhelmed me, and my life crumbled down around me, as I grabbed onto the parts I could manage with my dwindling finances. HRT isn't especially expensive in the US, and that is a good thing, because that alone gave me such tremendous emotional and psychological relief that I was then able to gain some focus and prioritize the other things I needed.

I managed to borrow the money for fixing my 'parts' problem, and that was very, very important for me, and secured my safety from the urge to self-harm, but I am still struggling to finish electro, though I have been full-time and passing for almost four years. Socially, I am now okay, so that has also helped immensely.

But I still need a bunch of money to finish my face and sculpt my body, since these things still cause me dysmorphia, though not so much dysphoria, and I am obsessed with getting all of that work finished as soon as I can...

So, what would I do if I could not afford to transition, ha, well, yeah, I chose to transition anyway, because the truth was, I could not afford to NOT transition, it was life and death for me. I chose life, without ANY guarantees, and I only wish I had chosen it sooner..

Funny thing about life, once we become focused with clear intentions, unseen doors open, and we get to go through to the next room, and sometimes, just that little incremental move forward sustains us, until the next door opens. There are no guarantees in life for anybody, ever, except that if we do not act, then life will eventually act on us...

I chose to drive the runaway train rather than be run over by it...

Missy

[CarlyMcx]

What would I do if I couldn't afford to transition?

Raise the money five dollars at a time if I have to.  Figure out an online gig I can do on Fiverr dot com.  Look for side gigs using whatever talents I have.  Work every connection I have to find paying work and if I run out of connections, go out and make new connections.  Sell Amway.  Sell Mary Kay.  Sell Avon.  Whatever it takes.

If I can make twenty dollars a day and put it away, then in two years I have a little under fifteen thousand dollars.  If it takes five years to make forty thousand dollars, then so be it. 

I waited fifty two years for my chance to transition.  I grew up thinking that transitioning was an impossibility, that it existed only in the realm of science fiction.  I spent my twenties in school, getting the degrees I needed to have a career where I could afford to transition.  Then after all that, I learned that getting diagnosed with what was then called "gender identity disorder" might cost me a professional license that I had spent the last ten years working toward.

So I gave up my dream, lived as a man, got married and had a family.  Then I went through a divorce.  I started to transition again.  Then I saw a young transgender get mistreated by a judge in court.  I knew that if I transitioned I would lose custody of my son.  So I put things off another ten years.

I went so deep in denial that I forgot that I was transgender.  But I kept having these panic attacks, and they were horrible.  After ten years of that I finally went in and got diagnosed.

My time is now, and I will do whatever it takes. 

[Kylo]

I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't get it done.

I'm known for my extreme dissociation and the lengths I've gone to to punish my body including starvation and other fun things. And that was before I knew there were options. Now I know there are I can't go back, I won't go back to feeling the way I did before T. I felt like death warmed over compared to how I feel now. It'd be like asking me to go back to dying slowly. Screw that.

I'd have to get the money somehow if I couldn't just earn it or use the health service. If you'd asked me this a year ago I'd probably have said something different, but now there is no other path. I'd try every avenue before I gave up