I transitioned socially on the 28th December 2016, I'd had enough of dressing to please others and hurting myself in the process. I could no longer pretend to be someone I'm not. Christmas day was very difficult for me and I decided enough was enough. I would have transitioned months ago, but was trying to respect other people and give them time to process and understand. On reflection, this was ridiculous as the said peeps will never understand it. I battle Major depressive disorder, stress, anxiety, chronic fatigue, along with various other problems. I believe they all stemmed from my gender dysphoria(GD). I didn't discover my GD until last year. I think my upbringing and mental health stuff got in the way of discovering myself.
(**Warning. Some language may follow & Sensitive mental health stuff**)
The latest of a long string crud. Wednesday 18th January. My partner and I had invited a friend over to watch a space movie at our place. Gem (my partner) was out with our pup at puppy class and our friend had just arrived. We were talking and joking and having a nice time. 10 mins after she arrived however, there is a knock on the door. Gems auntie (B1) is standing at our door. She asks if Gem is in. I told her she'd be back in 10 mins. She turned to Gems uncle (B2), who was out of sight at this stage and whispered something. She then turns to me and says (aggressively) 'are you going to invite us in or are we just going to stand out here'. I was ready to close the door on them at this point as I have enough ->-bleeped-<- to deal with. I told them I had a friend over and Gem would be back in 10. I invited them in and offered tea/coffee. They decided to wait in the car.
(Shakes have started upon writing this. The pup is mad and squeaking his toy, not good as I'm so on edge and tense :s)
I was confused and was worried something had happened Gems grandmother as she isn't all that well currently. I called Gem and told her to expect an ambush as we had no clue they were coming and I could sense the hostility.
Gem appeared home, B1 and B2 followed her in and sat down. I made B2 a mug of tea. They were sitting at the edge of the seats, seeming tense and awkward. I wasn't looking forward to this... They sat awkwardly for 15 minutes before B2 asked me 'what's with the outfit?' I told him about GD and how I needed to change so I could live my life. I said I socially transitioned on the 28th and had started living as me, Jessica full time now. They went quiet again. Our friend took the dog outside to play with him as she wasn't comfortable. B1 then started accusing us of lying to everyone. I was respecting Gems parents as they wanted to be the ones to tell everyone on their side, but sure, what does that matter. I was apparently doing all this to hurt people. They accused me of 'making their name the laughing stock of their town'; 'lying to their faces'; losing them business at the car dealership B2 owns; moving to 'their town'; 'scaring their children' and saying people have been talking about us all over town (I have few friends here who I trust, and who understand. I very much doubt people have been talking, and I think they exaggerated this).
They refused to call me Jessica and used my former name. saying 'it's on your birth certificate so you're called –(old name)-' B1 was quiet but very hostile when she talked, B2 did most of the talking. By this point I was having a panic attack and could feel adrenalin surging through my body. I had to suppress it and it was bloody horrible. Every muscle was beginning to shake, my heart rate doubled, I couldn't get enough air in my lungs. I could feel my mental walls, as such, being destroyed. My confidence being diminished.
This trend continued throughout the conversation. Anything I said was interrupted before I could explain things fully and misunderstood. They then brought my mental health into it. This was a step to far and I was losing patience. They said I was lazy and was using Gem for her money. I've been struggling to live for 6.5 years; all the damage has taken its toll and with the stress of transitioning I had to stop working in May of 2016. I fight every day. I do my best to stay alive and enjoy myself but I seem to keep being put down. I can never get up. It isn't a question of working or not working. I can't work given my current state of mind. I have no energy, no motivation, no will to live. I simply cannot do it. I feel like a burden to my partner because I can't support her financially and this is always on my mind. They wouldn't accept any of what I said. There was no convincing them. I felt and still feel terrible, their words cut deep. I can't believe they brought my health and our financial situation into it. It isn't any of their business and it was extremely rude and evil.
At this point I realised there was literally no point to this conversation. They were hurting me, bringing things I can't control into it. I could feel the damage being done so I asked them to leave our home. They said no. At this point they are trespassing in our home and I was really, really close to calling the police. My body was shutting down and emotions were overwhelming me. They continued to insult me, while trying to convince Gem to leave me. Saying I've been 'useless since the day and hour I shown up'. They think I'm using Gem for support too, saying I'll just run away after transitioning and find a boy. This is complete BS as I love her, I'm still attracted to her and I love her. Forever.
Eventually they left. On the way out B2 told said if I ever hurt Gem he'd find me. I said 'the only people hurting Gem, and myself, are you two'.
The following 24 hours involved many (or one huge) breakdowns. My emotions were everywhere, they hurt me so much. I couldn't breath and wanted/want to die. My muscles hardly worked, walking was a challenge. I had heart palpitations, my digestive system was messed up. My whole body was pretty much <bollox3d>. Along with my mind, broken into 1 million tiny pieces.
These people have hurt my very soul. I was gaining confidence and becoming happier with myself, after so much time and effort. They tore me apart and walked away. I equate what they did to someone visiting a person with a broken leg, then using a hammer and repeatedly hitting the broken leg, making the leg worse and increasing the recovery time. The pain was, and still is at times, intolerable. I don't know how to move on. Maybe I was right for all those years, in thinking death was/is better for me.
I just want to live and be me, and be happy. This ->-bleeped-<- can't go on. I've suffered a lifetime of pain and I've had enough. Some people are ignorant and unwilling to understand.
#sorryfortherant
JessicaK
Moderator edit: Language policy.
