Observations on Coming Out to Your Wife

[Veda]

I think no matter how it is handled before coming out as transgender, it has in some way been a burden on the relationship.  When you let that burden down, you may feel relief, but remember, your wife is still is still holding on to their part of the burden.  Let the burden down as gently as you can, and provide support to them so they can do the same.

That no matter how your spouse handles the news initially, they can be a super-trooper rock-star about it, but at some point it will sink in that they have lost their husband, and there is no doubt that they have.  They signed up for Prince Charming, not Princess Charming.  All I can say is be patient and let them know in no uncertain terms that although they have lost a husband, they have gained a much better person who still loves them.

[Denise]

I'll add: you have thought about this for decades they have thought about this for seconds.  It has taken more than a year to come to a stabilized relationship. 

[LizK]

Here is a couple I would add...

Keep talking...imperative

Put your spouse first in everything for the first few days while things sink in.

Whatever you say and do will set the precedent for the next of the interaction

Don't succumb to the temptation that presenting as your authentic self as a "surprise" to open up the dialogue

Be prepared for your partner to have questions you never though about

Just remember that your Cis partner has probably never given their own gender a second thought, understanding may take time

Liz

[Veda]

Don't succumb to the temptation that presenting as your authentic self as a "surprise" to open up the dialogue

Also, I think the way one handles personal presentation after is key.  Now that I'm out it is very tempting to just go all out with my wardrobe (pun intended) , which would be to much of a shock for my wife.  I really have felt the need to celebrate though, something just for myself.  So, I've started wearing mascara daily (only noticeable to me) and I'm going to get my ears pierced.  FYI, a man having both ears pierced is an OK thing in my area, and I'm getting a style that is gender neutral (captive bead with 'oil and water' rainbow coloring).

[Sofie L]

I'll add: you have thought about this for decades they have thought about this for seconds.  It has taken more than a year to come to a stabilized relationship.

Yes, a keep forgetting that this is Breaking News to everyone that I tell. It is exhausting going through the same spiel in front of one or two people over and over again. My wife and I have come to a tacit agreement: I tell my family and "my" friends and she breaks the news to her family and "her" friends. I don't know if this is fair, but it saves me a lot of stress as her family is not exactly the most progressive folks when it comes to subjects such as gender and sexuality.

I suppose it would be a hell of a lot easier to just make a blanket announcement across social media, but my life situation does not allow for that at the present time (still not out at work). And, I think that many in my life (like my mum) deserve a private conversation with me out of respect. (I can only imagine what my blood pressure was the day I told her!)

[josie76]

So also I'd add that every step you take will fuel your SO's insecurities. My first counseling visit. My first visit telling my psychiatrist. Each visit she thought I might get the HRT letter from my therapist. The day I told ear I found a support group. The day I was supposed to go to the support group. I expect the day of my first endocrinologist appointment will have my blood pressure through the roof.

The day I saw my psychiatrist and told them my BP was 210/103. It always normally ran 130/90. The stress of my own issues combined with the anxiety of her reactions is not good for the heart.