Hi I'm Jeanette.
I'm not sure I'll stay Jeanette. I may decide to be Diane. At this point I'm not sure who or for that matter what I'm going to wind up being. If that sounds confused to you, welcome to my life. All I really know is about a couple months ago, at the age of 64 I started something that is not totally reversible. I think I am happy about it. I think it's want I have wanted to do for a long, long time. It scares me though. Not what I'm doing mind you it's the consequences that I fear. I'm sure it's what everyone here has been through. But it's me this time. It's my life. Yes, after wondering about it, worrying about it, believing there had to be something wrong with me, dreaming about it, for over 50 years, I started taking MTF hormones. I did a lot research about it online and made my decision and went against everybody's advice and did not see a doctor first.
That was about 7 weeks ago. I knew the effects of it were slow and felt I could back out if I got too scared, But I didn't. I like what was happening, I was excited! Of course in 7 weeks not much had actually happened except for a little more fattyness on my chest and a soreness under my nipples which had decided to stand up proud.
One thing I was dreading and had done a bunch of soul searching over was a pending appointment with my primary care physician. I had decided that I had to come clean to him but I was not at all sure how he was going to take the news. I knew I had to tell him for my own good. It's was all those pesky warnings I read about. The possible drug interactions with my existing medications. I just had to, but I sure as heck didn't want to. But I did.
I told him last Friday 1/20/2017. When the nurse assistant ask if there were any new changes to the meds I was taking I sheepishly replied yes, but that I would rather talk to the doctor about it. No problem she finished her part and there I was left with my nerves pinging while waiting for the doctor to come in. When he enters and greets me with the usual "How are you today?" I didn't hesitate but got right to it by telling him apologetically that I was self medicating and proceeded to tell him what I had been up to. I think I kind of surprised him but he took my information professionally and started asking me questions to further clarify the whats, why, and how. I found out I'm not his first MTF patient and that he is fairly familiar with the process, meds and where to go from here with other resources to facilitate my desires. No lectures, no recriminations, no med changes as yet. He ordered quite a few additional tests he hadn't originally planned to. Hormone levels and the like. He also made a referral for me the the mental health folks. I left his office feeling reassured, somewhat relieved and with an overwhelming feel of "OMFG What have I done!
That was Friday. Today is Monday and I got that call from mental health and set an appointment for next month with a psychiatrist for the initial screening which should lead to a gender therapist referral. Some of the lab test results came in also. Among them were the testosterone tests, those results indicate I have made it to the normal female ranges. More excited feelings of "It's happening, it's really happening! I'm doing this" along with it is more of the 'OMFG What the heck am I doing?" It's scary still.
Ancient history: I grew up with 5 sisters and one brother. (he left home when I was still in grade school.) I did normal boy things with others boys. I did cub scouts and boy scouts. But I envied my sisters. Their pretty clothes, some of their toys, their pretty hair and shoes, etc. I remember trying on one of my female cousin's shorts and top she left in the bathroom. I remember wearing the first pair of panties my mom had me wear when I didn't have clean underwear. I remember years of "borrowing" girls things to wear. I liked girls. Outside of my fetish I thought I was mostly normal. I dated girls and enjoyed it but I wasn't like other guys obsessed with getting into their pants. (Well I was but not the way they were) I think I respected girls. I hung around the girls more than the guys. Secretly I wanted to be like them.
My dressing up and wanting to be like a girl never left me. No it never left, not through a stint in the Navy, not through 20 years of marriage. not after having kids, not after the divorce nor into becoming a grandfather. No. along the way somewhere it evolved into want to be a woman. Maybe it was there all along. I don't know. Over the years I've fantasized about it, I've dreamed about it, I've had nightmares over it. Almost all my life wanting to be a girl has in some form always been there.
Now I've gone and done it. I've gone and made it official. I've told my doctor and it's in my medical record. My oncologist is going to see it in my test results in two weeks. What will she say? What will she want to know? I have an appointment with a shrink in a month. What will he think? Am I a crazy old man? Where will things go from here?
OH MY GOD, What have I done??
