I don't think I'm trans/don't want to be trans

[Michelle_P]

Chris, from that description in my own opinion you are a transgender person.  Your description sounds like me several years ago, when I was trying so hard to suppress myself.  I was a little too good at that, and last year I found myself in a very, very bad place from depression.  I crashed big time.

I came out to the therapist the crisis line connected me to, and to my spouse.  Within a few months I had come to grips with the knowledge that I really was trans, and had badly damaged myself from the combination of depression, stress, and anxiety. At age 63 I started HRT, and my transition.  It cost me dearly, but I am alive and doing well now.

I cannot recommend suppressing ones true nature.  It ain't healthy.   You would be much better off working with a therapist to help you clear up your thinking on the subject, rather than do something stupid like I did.

And, it is never too late to start a transition.  We have lots of late bloomers here at Susan's, all finding our own paths to some inner peace. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[SailorMars1994]

IT IS NEVER TOO LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[SailorMars1994]

May not be the best place to put this but since we are talking about ''too late''  I  listened to this song during my days of hard doubt around septemeber.... and it got me through some hard times and made me feel feminine as i could sing along to Carole King.. yup i am a 90s baby with a love for 70s music XD. But  perhaps you should find something to channel your feminine energy into! just saying, sorry if i didnt help

[JMJW]

Sending you love through the internet, Chrisq129.  Those feelings you're describing, that is Gender Dysphoria right there. Remember all you were doing is getting the medically approved treatment.

[Yanira]

I keep hoping and wishing that things were different.  Since I can remember.  As early as I remember I would pray to wake up as a girl.  Then the cross dressing, the guilt.  I have fought it my whole life.  As I got older I learned new ways to fight this drive by not feeling at all and shutting down and locking my mind into my work or getting drunk.  I have wished it would go away, but it has not.  I cannot believe the wasted time and energy fighting this.  The fact that I am sitting here now writing at this site is an example of my life long battle.  The battle that will never stop.  The constant search for answers.

In 2011 I tried some hormones and my anxiety lifted like a cloud bank and I felt peace in core of my soul.  I quickly stopped, because of the voice in me that says that it is wrong.  I no longer cross dress because of my self hate of the image that is reflected in the mirror and for the fear of being caught.  For the past five years I have travelled down the spiral of fantasizing that I am a woman and always have been and how much I would like to live as one and get married to a man.  This brings me temporary relief, breaks down the anxiety, but the reality always returns and I feel foolish and dumb.  This fantasy is so frequent that it is almost nonstop now.

I very my do not like where I am, but the fantasy is the only thing that brings me peace.  I have a great family and can never show my self.  I feel that it is selfish of me and I believe I am a coward.  I honor and respect the courage here on this site and I believe I will never be the person I know I am and always be in my soul 

Am I transgender?  I do not know what it is?  I have no doubt that had I been born in the last ten years I would have been on my way to transitioning, but it is to late for me.

Well done for taking the courage to join this site and share your intimate thoughts. It is a brave first step. Did you go through the process of therapy before you tried hormones before?

Though your story resonates with me on many levels I can only echo what others have said and suggest you find a therapist who has experience with gender issues to talk with.

I have always been prone to fantasy of one kind or another and yes in recent years my fantasy of choice has been similar to what you have described. However I am learning that my propensity to wander off in to fantasy land maybe due to the fact that I am unhappy due to a whole host of reasons beyond a perceived sense of just gender relates issues.

The whole thing can seem very daunting and of course the mind will take us to the end game before we have even learnt what the rules are. That is clearly overwhelming!

Good luck to you and your journey.

[CHRIS129]

Thank you

[Janes Groove]

In 2011 I tried some hormones and my anxiety lifted like a cloud bank and I felt peace in core of my soul. 

I hate to be blunt, but I really can't help myself.  I'm a Taurus.  But the solution to your dilemma rather suggests itself.

[MissGendered]

I hate to be blunt, but I really can't help myself.  I'm a Taurus.  But the solution to your dilemma rather suggests itself.

Lmao, girlfriend, I am actually laughing out loud, thank you. I mean no disrespect to Chris, I am laughing because I have been just as guilty of ignoring my own handwriting on the wall back when I was trapped in my old life.

It is a HARD thing to swallow, this trans experience, and all the implications we imagine come with it, isn't it?

But, oh my, I find life now to be sooo much better, heck, I had the dreams, too, and now, they are not dreams, they are my everyday life.

Every. Day. Life.

Missy

[Jacqueline]

Thank you

Chris, welcome to the site.

I was 50 when I hit a fairly self destructive point in my life. I had been building up to it for years. That was two years ago.

I am married with three daughters(teens 14-18). I love my family. I have experienced the guilt of wishing I transitioned earlier(which means I would not have had that family). I love my wife. However, I am just about a year into HRT. My wife is amazed at how much nicer and more fun I am.

I can't tell you what to do. I can't say my experience will be yours. I can only say that it will never go away until it is dealt with.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to:

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Once again, welcome to Susan's. I wish you love, acceptance and a smoother journey down whatever path you choose.

With warmth,

Joanna

[redhot1]

I admit that I feel somewhere on the transgender spectrum, but I wonder if it's all in my head and not a biological feeling. That's what my mom asked. She asked whether these were real biological feelings or just a regular thought process. But I want to be able to express myself as a woman, even if it's just once in a while. But I might want real feminine features also.

[SailorMars1994]

I think people get too high strung on this bio stuff. Do people know from birth yes, some. Others not until puberty or even early 20s. Some, even far longer down the road. Lets just assume that there is no bio part to it, are you happy as a woman? if you answer yes i think you got your answer. It has taken me almost 3 years, after coming out in 2014 to just say if i am happy as a girl, even if it is a thought or what not then i am going with it because it still makes me who i am. It has gone on too long to be  a phase. Play out your options and test your identity. You will figure it out soon

Hugs- Ashley

[MeTony]

It is not too late. I am soon going to tell my husband since 19 years that I am a man. We have teenage kids. I discovered 10 years ago there was something called transgender. I found myself. But my life was very stressful at the same time, both at work and at home. Add being born in the wrong body to that. I reacted with having a psychosis.

Either I lose = continue to have depressions, hating my body, not wanting sex or touch... or I become myself = I stop being depressed and feel the image in my head matches the one in the mirror.

Depression is a deadly illness.

[MissGendered]

It is not too late. I am soon going to tell my husband since 19 years that I am a man. We have teenage kids. I discovered 10 years ago there was something called transgender. I found myself. But my life was very stressful at the same time, both at work and at home. Add being born in the wrong body to that. I reacted with having a psychosis.

Either I lose = continue to have depressions, hating my body, not wanting sex or touch... or I become myself = I stop being depressed and feel the image in my head matches the one in the mirror.

Depression is a deadly illness.

((HUGS))

Missy

[Jacqueline]

I am sorry, I have lost track. Are you seeing a therapist? It is nice of your Mom to show interest. However, the person who should be asking questions is you with a therapist. That is how you work through this sort of thing.

That is my strongly worded opinion. What you choose to do is up to you. It is not easy to come to  terms saying "I am transgender", also hard to say where you fit in that. It is impossible for anyone else to make those conclusions. Therapists are a part of your support circle that helps you make those choices. Certainly add your mother's questions and thoughts if she is supporting but it remains a question for you.

Good luck.

Warmly,

Joanna

[Asche]

I admit that I feel somewhere on the transgender spectrum, but I wonder if it's all in my head and not a biological feeling.

Um, thoughts, feelings, perceptions, etc., of any kind are "all in your head."  People live and die by what's in their heads.  The difference between a Nobel prize winner and a futureless bum is in their heads.  When someone says, "it's all in your head," it's a way of dismissing what you think and/or feel and/or have experienced without engaging with it.  Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

If wanting this is in your head and won't leave you alone, I'd say, try it.  Put a toe or two in the water and see if it makes you feel better.  Transition isn't an all or nothing deal, and, aside from the surgeries (or the effects of long-term HRT), nothing prevents you from backing out if it turns out to be not for you.  A good gender therapist could probably help you figure out what steps you feel comfortable with.  There are a number of people here who've started transition and then detransitioned once or several times, they can advise you, too, if you want.

It's not a lot different from being, say, an accountant but having this lifelong urge to be a filmmaker.  You try taking some courses, then get some practice making student films, etc., etc.

[Tessa James]

I admit that I feel somewhere on the transgender spectrum, but I wonder if it's all in my head and not a biological feeling. That's what my mom asked. She asked whether these were real biological feelings or just a regular thought process. But I want to be able to express myself as a woman, even if it's just once in a while. But I might want real feminine features also.

Last night National Geographic featured their Transgender documentary with Katie Couric.  One concept that is well respected by therapists working with young trans people is the trilogy of "insistent, consistent and persistence" of transgender feelings and identification.  Might that narrative apply to you?