Finding someone, dating..

[Floof]

Hi! Short and sweet about me; 25 year-old MTF, last 2 as a woman full-time but only got to start HRT in november of last year.

I've been pretty happy being by myself for a while, my last relationship was 6 years ago and I've been fine with that.. Until recently. I'm not sure if its the HRT talking or whats going on, but I've been feeling really lonely and desiring some companionship for a few days and I can't shake it! Thing is, I have absolutely no idea how to go about dating as a transwoman. I live in a fairly small place, so I dont have any aquaintances in my situation who could possibly give me help or advice, which is why I've come here. I was hoping somone would have some pointers and things to avoid, I'd really appreciate it!

A friend of mine talked me into downloading Tinder, but after about 10 seconds staring at my picture-less profile I freaked out and closed it down, haven't opened it since. The very idea of trying to date absolutely terrifies me to be honest. I function just fine in daily life, but this is clearly a major barrier for me. I'm quite shy and reserved by nature, so putting myself out there like this just feels wrong on every level. Theres also the matter of even finding someone who would be interested in a not terribly attractive transwoman about to go through some pretty major changes in both body and mind... But I just feel so damn lonely!

I really appreciate any advice you have to give me, thank you so much!

[Denise]

Flood, thanks for the thread...I too would love to know the same thing. 

I belong to an LGBT group that plays cards but 80+% are guys.  I'm not interested.  I think my/our best bet is someone who is bi but I'm totally guessing and probably wrong.

[2cherry]

Online dating can be fun, but it also comes with many downsides... most sites/apps are geared towards dating, and are not very serious if you want a real relationship. The only good sites that have possible serious longterm partners are paid websites. The more expensive, the more serious people are in dating on there. I mean, no-one wants to pay 50$ a month just to browse around and have a few laughs... These people on there read profiles, and want something worth their time and money.  Free websites/apps usually mean only one thing: sex. So the question is, what do you expect from a partner? finding a partner for a long term relationship is probably not going to happen on tinder...

I think it's always best not to look for it, and just mingle with people in real life... work, or go out and see new places and meet people. This way they can see you in real life, and nothing can be photoshopped. relationships that are formed this way tend to last longer, because you already got to know the person.

- What type of person are you attracted to?

- What would be the most likely place for that type of person to hang out?

Go from there.

[patrick1967]

I met my SO online, through an RP game site. We get along great, he is fully aware of my status and has been by me for over a year and a half through every step. He even helped me shop for my packer and my "Please dear god let me get the money" stp. We are meeting in March for the first time RL and we will see if we are as compatible in person as we have been on Skype and online. If nothing physical comes of it, which it may not as he can give or take sexual contact, I still have a fantastic friend and companion. I've been celibate for going on 4 years and in a horrid marriage before that, so the sexual issue is not make or break for me.

[KathyLauren]

I am not one to talk, having never dated all that much.  But I did have one strategy that worked very effectively.  I resolved to get involved in activities that would be fun and that would reflect my personal values.  I figured that the worst that could happen would be that I would have fun doing things that were meaningful to me.  And of course, the best case would be to meet someone who shared those values and liked being with me.

I joined a couple of organizations, but the winner was a hiking club.  I went hiking in the mountains with them every weekend, met a lot of interesting people, and had a lot of fun, all without actually 'dating'.  And then, on top of a mountain one day, I met a beautiful woman...  The rest is history.  We are still married.

The important thing was that I wasn't 'dating' as such.  I was just having a good time doing something I loved, and in doing so, I was sending out positive vibes to people around me.  The activity could have been anything.  The important thing is that it is meaningful and fun for you, and that you do it with other people.

[SailorMars1994]

I havent been in a real relationship since October 2010 :/

[Floof]

Flood, thanks for the thread...I too would love to know the same thing. 

I belong to an LGBT group that plays cards but 80+% are guys.  I'm not interested.  I think my/our best bet is someone who is bi but I'm totally guessing and probably wrong.

It's a dificult question for sure.. I should perhaps mention I'm looking for a woman this time -transwoman is absolutely fine-, but my last relationship 6 years ago was a guy and it ended pretty badly.. Sorta turned me off guys I'm afraid. Not that a man would be a complete nono if I happened to find the right one, but I'm not very interested in looking.

- What type of person are you attracted to?

- What would be the most likely place for that type of person to hang out?

Go from there.

Hey, thanks for the advice I'll definently take that on board! $50 -or in that area- seems very steep for what I would assume is a fairly small chance of finding someone? I have never tried it ofc, so it may be a great option. I'm really not interested in a very sexual relationship, and I imagine that may be a problem for many..

I am not one to talk, having never dated all that much.  But I did have one strategy that worked very effectively.  I resolved to get involved in activities that would be fun and that would reflect my personal values.  I figured that the worst that could happen would be that I would have fun doing things that were meaningful to me.  And of course, the best case would be to meet someone who shared those values and liked being with me.

*snip*

Seems like a great way to do it; I may need to start getting my ass out the door again, I get very comfortable just being snuggled up inside in winter months. I'm also very bad at socializing myself, I've gotten very complacent in my current group of friends but they are all slowly moving away to live and work. Soon I'll be all alone if I dont do as you say and get with some activity groups. Thank you for suggesting it!

[Nina_Ottawa]

I met my hubby on OKCupid pre-OP.
My profile explicitly said I was "changing genders, but living full time as a woman."
I posted a pic, tons of guys emailed me out of curiousity, and a few dates materialized.
One guy in particular wanted to meet me, found my honesty and being upfront attractive.
We met, dated, married...he's the best thing to happen to me.

[xSMITHx]

I've found that dating within the trans community has been so much easier, what with not having ridiculous questions / comments hurled at me and not having my identity invalidated. I'm partial to fellow trans men;  my dating life has been sooooo much better since quitting cis folk

[Sophia Sage]

When I was in the midst of transition, I found dating to be problematic... because things can escalate, and then suddenly what a couple wants to do isn't quite possible for certain anatomical reasons.  Not to mention that disclosure can be fraught with peril!  (After you've had your surgeries, though, disclosure is optional.)

So I kind of agree with Mr. Smith above, dating within the community is a way to resolve transitional loneliness.

But, of course, living in a small place, you won't find a trans community, and the matter of disclosure is probably moot (everyone pretty much knows everything in a small place).  Perhaps you should seek out the nearest cosmopolitan city?  It's not a bad idea to move to someplace new for transition anyways, given you could probably afford it, just so you can give yourself a fresh start.  But don't move to the place you want to settle down in -- rather, look for a transitional location, 'cause after transition it's kind of nice to move on. 

Or, you know, just make some friends here and hang out online while you bide your time...

[Floof]

When I was in the midst of transition, I found dating to be problematic... because things can escalate, and then suddenly what a couple wants to do isn't quite possible for certain anatomical reasons.  Not to mention that disclosure can be fraught with peril!  (After you've had your surgeries, though, disclosure is optional.)

So I kind of agree with Mr. Smith above, dating within the community is a way to resolve transitional loneliness.

But, of course, living in a small place, you won't find a trans community, and the matter of disclosure is probably moot (everyone pretty much knows everything in a small place).  Perhaps you should seek out the nearest cosmopolitan city?  It's not a bad idea to move to someplace new for transition anyways, given you could probably afford it, just so you can give yourself a fresh start.  But don't move to the place you want to settle down in -- rather, look for a transitional location, 'cause after transition it's kind of nice to move on. 

Or, you know, just make some friends here and hang out online while you bide your time...

Hey, thank you so much for the insight I really appreciate it! There are other trans people around here, but they are isolated and pretty hard to get in touch with.. Most don't seem to want to engage with their fellow travelers, I posted on a Norwegian trans forum the day before joining here and that place seems to be completely dead.

I find it sort of difficult to move away; I've got a job that pays quite well, a house I love living in and my cuddly cat.. Even though it has been tempting many times. I would like to take a few months off work and have a loooong vacation somewhere though, somewhere I've never been.

Definitley gona make some friends among all of you, or at least I'm gona give it a shot. Everyone seems so great and so friendly, and I've already learned so much that will help me as I move forward. Thank you again!