Hi Scoot!
Congratulations on taking the first steps in your journey, it took courage to see a therapist and open up, and even more to dive in here with others with similar issues.
We all want to know how things will turn out when we start down our roads away from the unhappiness that plagues us, and we wish to understand the consequences of seeking peace in advance. But, one thing I learned, and it seems to be a common experience, is that I was wrong about more things than I was right, lol. Sure, I was certain of a few things that played out as I thought they would, but those were the exception.
You wonder what happens to your 'old self' when you allow yourself to change? Well, for me, it was like a snake shedding its skin. The bulk of the snake remains, but the outward things are renewed and refreshed and vital again. How much you change on the inside seems to be different for everybody, but I will say this, I can't remember any transitioner saying they changed into a worse person, or an unhappier, less peaceful soul. Yes, for some, the journey to authenticity comes with upheaval, and chaos, and loss, and even hostility from those that they thought loved them and valued them. But, that hostility, if it comes, comes from outside of us, it is only slightly within our control.
The first time I 'outed' myself, pre-transition, was at a party with a group of mostly male friends. One guy had started saying horrid things about a female friend of ours, because she is a lesbian. I could have just played along, but something inside me had had enough, and I stopped him mid-slander, and told him I found what he said offensive. He was shocked, and asked me why it was bothering me. "Because I am a lesbian, too, and I can't let you run down one of my sisters". Everybody stopped what they were doing, and all eyes were on me. Why? Because I was the alpha male in that gang, and I looked the part. The next hour was spent explaining that I was really a woman, and that they better get used to that fact.
My point?
There comes a point, when telling the truth means more to a person than basking in the false glories of a lie well-lived. Maybe you won't reach that point for many more years, maybe you are almost there now. Only you and your therapist can really know what kind of timetable will work for you.
Some girls are able to balance things in such a way as to get a LOT of relief without making any waves at all. Others, like myself, try this, and find that eventually, there is nothing short of a tidal wave that will do..
IMO, (in my opinion), living the lies that others believe was not an option, but I didn't have kids or grandkids or any investment in anybody but my spouse.
Good luck with your search, I hope you find your peace, keep your loves, and improve all your relationships..
Missy
