Scared to go out into public

[unknownperson666]

Hello i am 18 and mtf transgender. I havent offically come out yet but my dad knows and he said he would accept me whenever i was ready to come out and i decided that i wanted to take the first step by finally going out in public but when i got dressed and was about to take the first step i realized i was terrified and didnt go. I was afraid what if people stared at me? What if people laughed at me? What would people think of me? I also am afraid that none of the outfits i have look real i guess is the best way to describe it. I look at other women and they all have a sense of style and what they like to wear but everything i own when i wear it i am worried if it is acceptable to wear or if normal women actually wear it or if it is out of style or not.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Finding what to wear can be difficult at times and it comes from observing others and discovering what works for you. If you know somebody who can work with you, friend or family, that would be a good place to start. You may also post pictures of yourself up here (remove your face if you are uncomfortable posting that) and we will tell you what we think about the outfit.

As for going out it public, that was difficult for me as well but I had a therapy meeting I needed to attend so I didn't give myself the option of not going. It would also help if a friend is with you with instructions to distract you when you get nervous. The longer you are in public, the more comfortable you will become.

Strange as it may sound, I never had anybody stare or laugh at me. Possibly one of the reasons was after few trips in public, I became comfortable and presented the image that I belonged there. This was very important to me because I had limited part time and was forced into full time by the loss of a job. I was interviewing for new jobs at the start of full time. You may not get it perfect the first time but don't worry about it. You will get it right with a little time and a little help.

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[Pisces228]

Hello and welcome to Susans!  I'm Tara. 

I can absolutely relate to what you are saying.  I am still worried about what people think and I'm 28.  BUT I have started to remind myself when I feel like I don't look like a woman that being trans and living as a trans person isn't about me looking passable all the time, but it's about being authentic.  Any small step could help you.  Have you ever tried wearing girls jeans or maybe a bra under your clothes as a start?

[AlyssaJ]

First, try not to put too much pressure on yourself.  If you're scared, you're probably just not ready to go that route yet.  Try taking it slowly.  You can identify known safe places where you won't have issues being out in public.  For me those safe places are my church and my therapists office.  You can also try wearing only a few articles of female clothes.  I've gone out in high-heeled boots with a male jeans and t-shirt outfit for instance.  Start small, build up your confidence and work yourself up to presenting fully female in public.  While you may be nervous, it should still be an enjoyable experience.  So don't push yourself too fast.

[unknownperson666]

Thank you all for the wonderful advice. I am very greatful.

And in responce to tara, Yes i did manage to build up the courage to wear a bra under my shirt as a start while taking my dog for a walk and i was still nervous but it was a step. I do not have any women's jeans yet. I mainly just have summer clothes right now but where i live it never gets that cold so i can still wear summer clothes even in winter down here because of the fact that it is never really too cold. An outfit i wanted to wear the other day was short jean shorts and a tank top (mainly because i wasnt going to be outside for long and it was hot outside.)

[FTMDiaries]

I look at other women and they all have a sense of style and what they like to wear but everything i own when i wear it i am worried if it is acceptable to wear or if normal women actually wear it or if it is out of style or not.

Every woman - cis or trans - experiences this when she first starts out.

When you look around you at other women & compare yourself to them, you're actually looking at women who have spent years figuring out their own personal style behind-the-scenes before stepping out in public. They all started out as awkward teenagers who had no idea what clothes suited them, how to apply make-up, or how to pick a decent hairstyle. For the most part, they figured it out by looking at other women - both in public and in the media - to see what styles they admired, and then they experimented with them in the privacy of their own homes or in a changing room. That's why they look so good in public: because the experimentation that leads to that point happens behind-the-scenes!

Trust me: pretty much every woman - no matter how stylish - has had hideous outfits, ridiculous haircuts and poorly applied make-up at some point in her life. A sense of style is learned, and you're just in the early stages of learning yours. You're no different to any other woman... cis women have merely had a bit of a head start on you.

[josie76]

My first trip out the door dressed in women's clothing was to my first therapy appointment. Yes it was scary. It starts getting much easier. If you're in a city generally people will be accepting. Yes you may get stares as people try to figure out what catagory to file you into in their head. That is their issue not yours. Usually after they have processed it they are perfectly polite. Women especially are more friendly to me. They want to start up friendly small talk even just in the store checkout lane. At the very least I tend to get a supportive smile great as we pass by each other. People still stumble over what to say sometimes. Like last week we went to goodwill (I have found a lot of tops there and some jeans/capris  ) I asked why the door to the restrooms was closed. One girl asked the next closest one if the bathroom was fixed yet. The second girl looked at me and said with a bit of hesitation in the words "you could use the men's room, it's working". She looked a bit unsure if that was alright to say. I told her that's fine and thanked her.

Men tend to just try to ignore my presence as it triggers their discomfort and homophobia. Gay guys are super friendly in their own way. I don't know how to describe it but it's very different than how women act towards me.

I should say that I have only once ever tried to pass. Normally on trips to the city I just wear jeans, a shirt with a camisole under it, I may paint my nails and wear just some eyeliner. It's really nice that women can recognize my feminine self and they do try to reach out to me. That is the most reassuring thing. It can be so hard to break from those patterns learned of " how to act like a guy" especially when there are guys around. Of course I had 40 years of self trained reaction around men. You are so much younger. Take advantage of your age. You can find a happy life for yourself without fighting against you true self for half your time on this earth. Hugs

[Denise]

So baby steps right?  The suggestion on women's jeans is a good one.  Here's a catch-22, how do you get a pair that fits? 

Try this, wear whatever you want but keep it comfortable and not over-the-top (simple and not loud).  Then when it's dark, go for a drive.  Go to a local, or even the next town shopping center and get out of the car and do something in the trunk and get back in and drive off.

The next time get gas where you can pay at the pump.  Drive to a walk up ATM and do something (legal 😉) basically, just think of stuff to do where you don't need to interact with people.

That's how I started 15 months ago and look, the world still rotates with a sky over head. 

Eventually you will find that strangers DON'T CARE.  I went sight seeing at a touristy town where I just walked around for an hour.  I got a few ma'am and miss comments.  It only takes one or two of those to boost your confidence.

Go luck and welcome to Susan's.

- Dee

[JeanetteLW]

Hi Unknownperson,
 
      You've had many good suggestions from others here. You've said your Dad knowns and has said he would accept you. I would suggest starting by "coming out to him" at first. Try out being en femme at home in his presence. Try out you new looks with him. Do what women have done to men for ages - ask his opinion. Get where you feel more confident at home with him seeing who you are Then you can venture out when ready for that step.
     Another thing you can do if you know a girl your own age you think you can trust is to confide in her and enlist her aid with all things girly. That what cis-girls do. It could be lots of fun.
     Personally I have proper driven enough miles en femme (usually at night) to have driven across the USA and back. (probably a couple times) I've decided to get gas once where I was dressed in what would be party attire. I got out and realized that though it was self service I still had to pay at the window. WOW what an experience that was. I got some strange looks and heard a few chuckles but I manged it.
     Then there was the time I got pulled over by a policeman in a strange city because of a hesitant lane change for a turn not sure where I had to go. I handed over my license and answered his questions overlooking the one where he asked if I was possibly out and about looking for a good time. I was sooo embarrassed but hadn't broken any laws. He was just checking me out because of where I was at a late hour and my questionable driving.
     I have yet really gone out and tried to pass in public where I had to interact with others. Hell I'm 64, on HRT, living in an apartment with a sister, and she doesn't even know.
    Coming out is hard and scary but it can be done.

Good luck and best wishes to you.
   Jeanette

[Floof]

I started off at the same age as you, my very first trip outside dressed as a girl was at 17 and it was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life! I tried to be sneaky and did it when I was going for a late-night walk with a friend of mine, so nobody would be around... So ofcourse I met the kid that bullied me for years in school! I freaked out but he didn't say anything to me as we walked past eachother. What a relief it was to get some distance between me and him... But the more you do it the easier it gets, and you start to realize the wonderful thing about people; they don't really care much about you. They are way too busy doing their own thing, concentrating on their own life to notice the things about you that make you feel out of place.

You already got some really great advice, all these people on here are so wonderfully experienced and full of knowledge and wisdom that I too hope to absorb.. For my part buying clothes was really dificult to begin with, so I bought a lot of them online; still do really. Would recommend it if shopping for womens clothes is a bit scary. Get yourself some cute jeans you like -a good pair in the right size gives you nice and feminine legs very simply, and makes the bum look hella cute!-, and a couple nice tops and such.

I want to wish you all the best on your journey, and please don't hesitate to get in touch if there is anything I can do for you... I like feeling useful even though I mostly am not! I would also recommend getting in touch with a clinic as soon as you can. Depending on your country the process to start HRT can be very long; I got in touch with them at 18 and didn't get going on HRT until november of last year -7 years waiting!

Good luck sweetie <3

[Amoré]

Hi there

I remember my first steps out the door it was terrifying as hell. But you know what all these proud trans woman had to take that first steps. It defines to yourself who you want to be regardless of what anyone else thinks and that is your authentic self.

What helps is not going out alone get a group of friends or family that support you and go and have a nice dinner with them. Also honest people are so in their own world they mostly doesn't look at people around them. I realized this when I walk in the mall they are in the zone frantically doing their thing.

The more you do it the easier it gets and the more resilient you get about stares and people looking at you. Maybe you are a full pass and you don't even know it.


As far as fashion goes we do get it wrong but all woman get it wrong. I am living 7 months full time and believe me I still get it wrong and put together some hideous outfits. But we lift our head up high and we continue with life. Tomorrow is another day and you can learn from your mistake because how are you going to learn if you don't take that steps.

Step out babe you know you can.

[kathb31]

I know how scary this can be. I was terrified to go out in public
dressed as a woman to begin with. You need to make it a slow process
and take small steps. Every little step helps and gives you confidence. I remember
when I just went out with  some clear polish on my nails how afraid I was .. and of course
no one even noticed. You are young  so have lots of
time to figure things out. Be strong, be brave, be yourself.

[Asche]

For what it's worth, my first ventures out in public were at 5:00 a.m., in the winter, when it's dark.  Every now and then a car would pass, but despite my fears, nobody jumped out to beat me up.  I get my mail at a post office box, and I discovered that they leave the lobby area open all night, so then I added dropping off and picking up my mail.  One day the postmaster (postmistress?) surprised me when I was wearing a long red satin skirt, and she just said it looked nice.

I eventually graduated to walking down to the supermarket when it opened, at 6:00 a.m. (still before dawn), and nobody even looked at me funny.

Okay, this is in the New York City suburbs, so many people have seen a thing or two already, but I think people are mostly just so busy with their own lives they don't have time to worry about someone who looks a little different.  If they even notice.

The other advice is to practice convincing yourself there's nothing odd about how you're dressed, if they don't get it, they're just ignorant or uninformed.  I mean, you could be wearing a clown outfit, but if you knew you were on your way to be the clown at a kids' birthday party, you would just shrug at the funny looks.  Guy going to entertain at a party, stops in to pick up a 6-pack of beer for later, what's the big deal?  Oh, and here's my business card.