I am relieved to know you are in professional trauma care, Gilbert Rose.
Trauma is very treatable. Please do not be afraid when the doctors talk about "dissociative identities" or "personalities disorders." My therapist doesn't distinguish between PTSD, DID or any of the dissociative disorders. She sees them as different points on the same scale and therapy is very similar. Dissociation in and of itself is an amazing and wonderful coping mechanism that helps people like me survive the horrible things that happened to us as children. It only becomes a "disorder" if it begins to negatively impact a person's life.
Your description of it being like your "physical body is a hotel" for "multiple people" who "like to switch about" is pretty much how things are for me. I have been in therapy for 8 years now, and have found many of the things your doctors have told you to be true. There are 6 of us in my System. I am the only girl. My child's brain created me, the girl alter, to survive being raped by another boy.
Multiple Personality/Dissociative Identity Disorder is a disorder of secrecy. The victim's life depended on hiding what they were doing. My Primary alter had a happy and normal life. He didn't know about his abuse, me, or have any idea that the rest of us were carrying the pain for him. A traumatic event caused Primary to have a breakdown when he was 48. When I stepped in to help I realized I was a separate person and our dissociative identities became a "disorder." Primary doctor's insisted he was transsexual for 2 years. But as badly as I wanted to live, he did too. When the time/memory loss and flashback began, the doctors realized he was DID.
I understand your fear about never feeling like a man again after discharge. Alot of people talk about alters going away during integration and fusion. I was really scared that meant I was going to die when we got better too. But it doesn't have to be that way if it's not right for you. We are still 6 people in one brain. We feel safe now. None of us has to face the horrible things that happened when we were small alone anymore. Primary talks good care of us and we all help him the best we can. It works good for us. We don't have a disorder anymore.
The doctor's prescribed estrogen medicine for Primary when they thought he was transsexual. It took 5 years for them to figure out it didn't drive him nuts or make him want to be a girl because it can't. It's Primary's job to be a boy! I was happy it got rid of all that hair so I looked more like I did when I was primary alter during junior high. And I like having boobs. But the peace came ffor us from chemical castration. Abusers raise their children to be abusers. It get worse and worse generation after generation. But now I know the pain and suffering ended with me.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Love, Flytrap
