Worried about not passing + being paranoid

[JessicaK]

Lately my confidence has taken a big hit due to transition problems.
I never had any confidence or self esteem before realising who I am. Things were getting better but other peoples ignorance and prejudice has got to me and I've really started worrying about what others think of me.
Now. This wouldn't be a problem if my personality was self centered, unfortunately however, I put others first. I care for people. I hate causing conflict or hurt. I rarely offend and if i do hurt someone I do my best to apologise and make it right.

Over the last couple of week I've been really worried that I'm not passing. I put in so much time and effort every day, trying to look more feminine. I've been on private prescription HrT for 8 months and I've been working on body language and my voice for a year. I socially transitioned on the 28th Dec 2016. I look in the mirror and I still see the person I was. The same body. Just slightly remapped. I hate my features and haven't been able to see anything positive about myself. I'm stuck in a negative numb zone at the minute.

I go out and about with my partner and on my own. I'm constantly worrying that someone will say something hurtful to me or stare at me. I went into a store last night to get milk. The cashier stared at me during the whole transaction and I felt really uncomfortable (My brain was shouting at me, saying I don't look good enough, I don't pass). I made eye contact and smiled, I said little but I was still friendly, I tried my best voice and thought it was ok. I left the shop angry with myself because all i can think is 'he was staring at me because I don't pass' or 'I'm doing something wrong'.

Today we went out for lunch. I thought I saw someone take a photo of me out of my peripheral vision.
We went to a shop after and my mood was getting a bit better. We got to the checkout and my partner Gem pointed at something interesting, I turned slightly to see it. As I did, I caught the cashiers eye, she was staring at me. I continued to turn and saw what Gem was talking about. I turned back, she was still staring. 5-6 seconds of what I interpreted as a judgmental stare. This wrecked my mood instantly. I assume (yeah I know I can't read minds) she was thinking I look strange or weird or ugly.

I'm so paranoid now. I know I can't tell what people are thinking. I can't cope. I just want to be me. I try so hard and yet my best isn't good enough. I made the decision to transition because I couldn't live in the wrong body, I wouldn't be able to live much longer as my former false self. I fear I'm out of energy, I'm not good enough, and others think I'm strange. I don't know how to move forward and my will to live is shrinking again...uncomfortably quickly.

My brain has numbed out everything since last week and only the negative gets in. I don't feel anything positive and my feeling of femininity has faided. I'm really worried now..and scared. Scared that I was wrong to transition. Even though I know this is who I am. I just feel empty, and sad.


Jessica

[Angela Drakken]

Today we went out for lunch. I thought I saw someone take a photo of me out of my peripheral vision.

This is my favourite.. I was out at one of our favourite restaurants once and this 50 something year old broad with pink and blue tips in her hair (perhaps she feels it makes her appear 'young and hip'?) decides shes going to pretend to take a 'selfie' with her camera in mirror mode over the shoulder snapping my pic. She may even have been taking video of me, like I was super amusing to watch, because I could hear her snickering. She got her takeout and left. When my girlfriend returned from the washroom I shared this story with her and she honestly had no idea what to make of it.

Its certainly not easy, and this treatment isnt exactly unheard of or new to any of us. Im for the most part numb to it, I got the same dirty looks as a more 'gothy' type kid growing up. Nothings changed.

I still get pretty 'triggered' (Thats what they call it now, right?) by misgendering.

Though Ive also nearly been assaulted when 'passing' so... Im not sure what attention Id prefer anymore. I did have a great experience at a local mcdonalds recently that put the bounce back in my step though and I hope it wont be the last.

Keep your chin up. People habitually cant mind their own business.

[MissGendered]

Jessica,

A big ((HUG)) for you, girl!!

There are weird people. There are haters. There are nosy people. There are judgmental people. There are hurtful people. There are idiots, bigots, and worse out there..

But, you know what? These people menace everybody as they see fit. The things they do, they do, not because of you being anything in particular, but just because they are who and what they are.

Cis people are subject to them, not just trans people. Straight people are offended by them, also, not just LGB people.

What you are feeling, as you noted, is your own stuff rearing up inside you. If we were solid in our own selves, we wouldn't notice or care if we did, usually.

All we can do, is all we can do. And that, dear girl, is to steadily work out our transitions to the best of our ability, and to attend to our own emotional and physical needs, and cherish those that love us as we are, and let the others, those whose thoughts we imagine we know, figure out their own issues in their own time, without us giving up any of our precious power to them.

You are beautiful. Right now, you are perfect, as you are. Many humans have plans to improve themselves in ways that suit them, as transitioners we are perhaps more highly motivated, and driven by fears and anxiety as much as by hope and ambition. But all humans share the human condition. You are not alone in this, even in a sea of bigots.

You have the raw material to change your body and mind and life into something amazingly different than what you have now. But there is nothing 'wrong' with you now, as you are, you are already an amazing woman.

I hope you are feeling better, I know the ups and downs and horrid feelings of dysphoria, too. But you are making steady progress, and that hurts, change hurts. Feeling exposed hurts.

But your courage is an inspiration. Your efforts are not in vain. You matter.

Much love, and positivity to you, and Gem!

Missy

[Michelle_P]

I've caught the stare a few times.  I tend to look directly at them and smile. 

That produces interesting reactions.  Men often tilt their head forward and look down, an unconscious submission response.  Women will typically quickly look away, although I had one in that Thursday class I was helping with actually lift her chin, and turn away with an audible "Hmph!"  How Old School! Wait til she finds out I'm the upcoming lecturer and license examiner. 

I don't think I've ever had anyone try for a stealth photo of me.  Or maybe they've been really skilled at it...


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Jessika]

Hi Jessica

Another Jess here.

I just wanted to say I was the same exact way as you are describing for the longest time.
It did take me 50 years to be who I am and I am pretty comfortable with it now.

One thing you have to remember is that YOU need to be happy. You are not responsible for making others happy about being who you are.

True Family and Friends will support you and have your back. Those that do not should not be in your Life...Period.

I learned that as time went on and when I came out to my Family and Friends.

Yes...When we all look in the mirror, we only see what we've seen our whole lives, BUT...we are changing to who we are. People notice even thou we do not ourselves. The mirror is our self-made worst enemy.

I get Mam'd a lot. I get smiles and Hellos from Guys and I'm like "Is this real?" "Am I seriously passing?"

It may take time but you have to live as yourself. No one is going to Live your life for you and we only get one chance at being who we are.


"Be who you are, not who the World want's you to be."

Next time someone stares at you, own up to it! Be YOU! Those stares are Jealousy! They are admiration!

Work it Girl! <3

[Denise]

So I'm guilty and honestly I feel terrible about it.  Years ago I would stare, hopefully with some stealth but probably not, at people who I thought might be trans.  Why?  Taking mental notes if what I thought they did right and more importantly what they were doing to trigger my senses.

Until recently I had not realized the impact of being "caught" on someone's psyche. 

So I think of it this way when a stare is a little too long or an attempt to hide it, they are taking notes and inwardly I know their secret and I smile.

They typically get embarrassed or just smile back.  I'm no threat to them and I let them know it.

Try to have fun with it.  Consider it a complement that they took the time from their busy schedule to notice you.  It's a defence mechanism to reflect perceived "danger" to an advantage.

[Sephirah]

I fear I'm out of energy, I'm not good enough, and others think I'm strange.

This is 100% wrong, sweetie. You are good enough.

You don't have to make everyone around you happy, and think you're the best thing since sliced Hovis. Whatever other people think... that's on them. Not you. You can't control what other people are going to think. No matter what you do. And this in itself is a hard thing to deal with. I know that.

You don't owe your life to anyone but yourself, hon. By the sounds of it, you're a very sensitive soul, and care deeply about the effect you have on others. I get that. Probably more than you realise. Going by your other thread, it seems life has taken a giant dump on your self esteem. The negative self talk has been creeping in. Am I right?

The thing is... the thing you think is giving you away to people... it isn't that. At all. I would be willing to bet that it isn't how you look or sound. It's been my experience that people pick up on moods or feelings, far more than appearances. I certainly do. I can always tell if someone looks like they're trying to hide something, or don't want me to see something. Or if someone is timid and looks like they really would rather crawl into a hole. I always wonder why. And it has nothing to do with how they look or sound.

It's a self fulfilling prophecy, sweetie. It really is. The more you think people are staring at you and wondering what's going on in your head, the more they will. Not because of who you are, but because you're behaving... more secretively, you know? Or... I guess more like you're not being who you know you can be.

It's like Ghandi said: "Be the change you want to see in the world." That's really the key. And I know it's hard. Especially if you're having self esteem issues. But if you're happy being yourself, and live your life that way, then that filters through into the way people see you. If you're confident in the way you look, and speak, and are happy in yourself, then subconsciously you don't give signals to people that "this person is acting a bit furtively, I wonder what's going on", you know?

It's no bad thing being self-centred, sometimes. If we can't love ourselves, how can we expect anyone else to love us? Your transition is for you sweetie. No one else. You're not becoming who everyone else wants you to be. You're becoming who you are.

You can get there. Hold on, okay? I know it's hard when ignorant people lash out at things they don't understand. But you understand it. And that's the biggest part of all this. And the things that have happened to you recently have made you feel really bad about yourself. That was the whole point of it. To make you give up. To make you question yourself. Don't give these people the satisfaction, okay? You've come this far, you can go all the way. I believe in you. These people aren't worth losing yourself over. Not when you've come so far to find who that is.

Hold on to that. *huggles*

[JessicaK]

Hey

Thanks everyone for the kind words and life experiences.  I'm replying on my phone, heading to Dublin for the day and trying not to panic or stress out. I'll reply once I'm home again.

Have a nice day.

Jessica

[AshleyT]

I totally get where you're coming from. It taps into one of the things I hate most about the 'forced' RLE element - i still don't feel comfortable presenting myself as me at this point because I'm still fighting the ravages of testosterone poisoning. It's partly paranoia about what people think, particularly as I don't feel I pass yet at all from a face point of view, but also a large part to do with the fact that i don't particularly want people to see me with the elements of my evil twin brother that are still masculine as I don't want to be seen by the wider world as 'trans'. I am female, and I want people not to be swayed by the slow progression from old to new. I said right from the start to my gender specialist that I wouldn't switch to permanent me full time until I had had the FFS I want done (nose mainly).

However, I must echo Sephirah and say that a lot of it has to do with confidence in yourself as well. Before I started my transition I went out dressed (quite sexily, actually!) a handful of times with a female friend who insisted I be true to myself. She quickly taught me (and I learnt through experience) that when you act normally and forget your faults, 95 per cent of people don't even notice you. She also taught me that those who do look longer than they should, or even give disapproving stares or s->-bleeped-<-s, really don't matter - it's their issue, not yours. I have always been a bit of a conflicted soul in terms of self-confidence - I like to hang back in the shadows a lot of the time, but I also never say no to a challenge and will push myself into all sorts of situations without a second thought when urged (ie, going on stage, going out dressed those first few times, throwing myself 220m off a dam in Switzerland with some knicker elastic tied to my ankles).

That's not to say I'm perfect - I still have confidence issues going out as the real me, but when I do I try to ignore the wider world and just feel confident in myself and act accordingly. It feels counter-intuitive, but it does work. People pay no attention to me when I'm just acting normal, doing my thing without a care in the world. I always feared it would be the other way round - that the more 'confident' I was, the more people would notice me and then judge me. How wrong I was.

There were some words I read on here a while back that really resonated with me, and which I still think of whenever I am having my wobble moments about presenting/passing and fearing that people are pointing at me. I can't remember if it was in a post or in someone's signature, but it came from a very wise head with a lot of experience and went something like:

"When I was in my 20s, I was worried constantly about what people thought of me. When I was in my 40s I stopped caring what people thought of me. Now I'm in my 60s I realise that people were never thinking about me in the first place."

[Nora Kayte]

I am at the awkward stage. Where I'm not trying to pass but I carry a purse and wear women's jeans and shorts with t shirts and hoodies. (Getting hard to hide the girls no that they are growing.) And women's sneakers. Don't own any men's shoes except for a pair of sandals. So I get the stares and the under the breath comments. But I am comfortable and feel like I am closer to being who I am supposed to be. I feel as long as it does not get physical. Forget them and what they think. It's their ignorance that will hurt them in the long run. Yes I think about what they could be saying. Like.... look that old guys got boobs. Or why is that guy carrying a purse. Or aren't those woman's shoes. But I know and you should too, that if they just got to know us they would love us too. So it is their loss. I think you are beautiful. Be thankful your not at my age. And remember you got us. All of us. Who love you like family.

[JessicaK]

Hey.
I won't start quoting everyone because i'll be here all day and honestly my energy levels are low today. I thank everyone that's taken the time to read and reply to my post. It really means a lot to me and helps me get out in public when i'm feeling miserable. Some words of wisdom have really helped over the last day or so. Acting like I have something to hide does seem to draw more attention, even tho I think my body language is the same, really odd.

I had a decent day yesterday.
Gem and I took the train to Dublin for the day. We had arranged to meet a few friends there but we took the later train as I can't get up really early. Pretty sure I B slapped Gem when she was waking me up haha. Our dog decided to have a few accidents in the house making up a bit tight for time. We got to the train station and got in the queue. I had drawn no attention so far and I was feeling ok. We got on the train and started the long journey to Dublin. The train was busy and by the 2nd stop we had people sit beside us. The older woman that sat down was nice enough, quite quiet but nice. More of her friends joined at the next couple of stops and they were chatting the whole way down. They drew no attention to me and didn't stare or anything so that was good. My hate of crows however was getting a bit much and you can't e-cig on the train.
By the time we arrived I was busting for the loo. I have avoided using public toilets this past month because of worry but we went into the ladies. It was really busy and we had to queue for them but no one said anything or stared so that boosted my confidence a bit. They were the cleanest toilets I have ever seen. I'd rather die before using male toilets again lol. 22 years of the wrong loos is quite enough.
We met up with our friends in the station and went out for some air and space because the crowds had become overwhelming by this stage. The rest of the day went quite well. We did a lot of shopping and I got new clothes. I found a dream pair of boots that I fell in love with...they were 219 euros...so I reluctantly put them back. Timberland knee highs. Oh lordy they were awesome. It was really busy everywhere so I think the crowds kind of hid me a bit. The transactions went ok. I really enjoyed being able to look through all the clothes myself.
(Something else I've noticed tho, I've only been gendered once since transitioning. I used to get called sir all the time but I rarely get anything now. Which I suppose might be a good thing, but it makes me worry)
I did my best to use my best voice, body language, makeup, clothes, etc. all day. By dinner time I was exhausted and my voice was failing a bit. On the train home it was nice and quiet. It was late so there were loads of drunks so I felt less safe. I was with friends tho so it was ok. If I was on my own I would have been pretty panicked  and worried tho. A woman stumbled down the carriage and as she passed, she put her hand on my shoulder and said 'alright love' no idea how to take it so I just said a quiet hi. Soon after, a fancily dressed woman in red clothing came and sat beside us. She stayed quiet. A friend of hers came to her from the bar carriage and whispered something to her. The 'alright love' woman stumbled by and the red woman pretended to sleep. This started a conversation between my friends, myself and the woman in red. Apparently the 'alright love' woman was very rude to her so she needed space. She kept staring at me, not in a rude way, just like she was processing something. Which was odd because there were three others to look at who were talking more.

Trying to just be myself is helping but I still want to pass 100% because I see myself as female and want others too as well. Bloody biology and my <censored> brain, not realising myself until T wreaked years of havoc. I still hate how I look and can't see any way to start appreciating myself. Like, I know who I am now but I don't know if i can reach a place where i'll be content with myself. I feel like I need srs, laser hair removal/electrolysis, facial surgery/rhinoplasty...I just wish I could be content without stacking more pain to my future...which I mightn't be satisfied with either.

Maybe confidence will come with time and I won't need so much surgery (can't afford any non NHS ops anyway) but I've disliked myself for years before realising GD so a lot of damage has been done. Has anyone else been able to overcome any severe self hate over time? I don't feel trapped In the wrong body as much anymore but that feeling has been replaced with hatred of my features. I feel guilty too because I've transitioned and I haven't been able to raise my confidence and self esteem.

Many thanks for reading

Jessica x

[Nora Kayte]

Ha. I know my dogs did the same when they were younger. Lol. They would almost always do it when I was pressed for time. Your train ride sounded like it went well. At least to me. Just remember you have to believe you pass. No matter how much you actually do pass(and I think you do), you have to believe you do. Just by the pics of you I've seen here and on your blog I think you should have no problem passing. You are a woman. You know it. I know it. And it might be a surprise to you on how many other people think it as well. Just remember one thing. YOU ARE FEMALE!!

[JessicaK]

Hey
I got black Jeggings yesterday and I love them. I threw caution to the wind and put on my ankle boots. I do seem a little obsessed with black lol. Toned down the eyeliner a bit and changed my hair slightly to soften my features. Getting my eyebrows done later today, see if she can take hairs off the bottom to raise the ridge a bit maybe. Drs later for a couple of worries and had bloods done earlier to check for Iron depletion/Anemia and gluten intolerance (not sure why I had that one done haha).

Still paranoid about people looking and ridiculously negative about myself but slightly better than a few days ago.
Updated hair style

Just remember you have to believe you pass. No matter how much you actually do pass(and I think you do), you have to believe you do. Just by the pics of you I've seen here and on your blog I think you should have no problem passing. You are a woman. You know it. I know it. And it might be a surprise to you on how many other people think it as well. Just remember one thing. YOU ARE FEMALE!!

Thank you so much! You're too kind 

Jessica x

[Rachel_Christina]

Its so ->-bleeped-<-ty Jessica, it will get better, heck I can't say though I am not out, but I have the fears as you have.
It really scares me, but we must be strong and we must move forward, if not we will never flourish and blossom.
And as much as you feel bad and paranoid about people judging you laughing at or even taking pictures of you, just try and imagine just how sad your life must be to pull any one of those acts on anyone. Just how pathetic are those absolute duds, it should make us even prouder that we are decent human beings who would never stoop to their level. Also we can be too paranoid, some may simply stay because you may have a uniquness that they find interesting, sometime we may just think it, and other times we may be right, but remember what those are? DUDS

On a more chill note, are you Irish Jessica? :O

[JessicaK]

Its so ->-bleeped-<-ty Jessica, it will get better, heck I can't say though I am not out, but I have the fears as you have.
It really scares me, but we must be strong and we must move forward, if not we will never flourish and blossom.
And as much as you feel bad and paranoid about people judging you laughing at or even taking pictures of you, just try and imagine just how sad your life must be to pull any one of those acts on anyone. Just how pathetic are those absolute duds, it should make us even prouder that we are decent human beings who would never stoop to their level. Also we can be too paranoid, some may simply stay because you may have a uniquness that they find interesting, sometime we may just think it, and other times we may be right, but remember what those are? DUDS

On a more chill note, are you Irish Jessica? :O

Hey

Thank so much for the kind messages <3
I can't believe you're not out, you're so beautiful!

Yes, well kind of lol. I'm from Northern Ireland so I can get a UK & an Irish passport.

Jessica x

[Vervain]

Jessica,

From the pics in your avatar and the pots here... I'd like to add another possibility. I've caught myself staring before, not because I thought someone was trans, but because they were freaking cute. And you are. If I saw you out on the street, I'd be glancing over and thinking something to the effect of, "Wow, she's hot."

I'll note that even straight cis women do this. Straight cis men don't. Straight cis women will admire another woman and think she's cute or hot or such without any actual attraction; it's simply appreciating aesthetics.

The only reason I know this, due to my background (AFAB, raised male cuz dad wanted a boy, totally isolated, long story), is because in my Sociology of Marriage and Family Life course, the subject came up in a protracted discussion. A LOT of straight cis women said they would appreciate another woman's beauty, even if they had no sexual attraction whatsoever.

So... maybe think on that? It's not always that someone's clocking you. It really might just be as simple as that you're a damn fine looking woman. (Which, I reiterate, you are. )

*offers hugs and cookies of choice* <3

[Rachel_Christina]

Ha for now I just keep grinding away silently.
So your Nothern Irish, S'all the same.
I'm moving back home to Ireland at the later half of this year. I'm gona move into Derry though, some good oportunities their for me. I live normaly 10 mins across the border so I will still be close to family :')

[Wild Flower]

Ohhh... this so reminded me of a Twiggy song... you're going through the early phases right now, and you'll pass in time...

Now, onto Twiggy *I think you can relate!!!* ((if you look at it as from a perspective of a transgender girl... it's pretty deep))

[Wild Flower]

Jessica,

From the pics in your avatar and the pots here... I'd like to add another possibility. I've caught myself staring before, not because I thought someone was trans, but because they were freaking cute. And you are. If I saw you out on the street, I'd be glancing over and thinking something to the effect of, "Wow, she's hot."

I'll note that even straight cis women do this. Straight cis men don't. Straight cis women will admire another woman and think she's cute or hot or such without any actual attraction; it's simply appreciating aesthetics.

The only reason I know this, due to my background (AFAB, raised male cuz dad wanted a boy, totally isolated, long story), is because in my Sociology of Marriage and Family Life course, the subject came up in a protracted discussion. A LOT of straight cis women said they would appreciate another woman's beauty, even if they had no sexual attraction whatsoever.

So... maybe think on that? It's not always that someone's clocking you. It really might just be as simple as that you're a damn fine looking woman. (Which, I reiterate, you are. )

*offers hugs and cookies of choice* <3

True. True....

it's normal for a female magazine to analyze a woman's look to the very finite details... you think men are going to care about another man's hints of "strawberry" blonde highlights in his hair??? lmao

I think it's partly because women can project themselves in her shoes more so than guys can project themselves into another guy's shoes.

[Vervain]

True. True....

it's normal for a female magazine to analyze a woman's look to the very finite details... you think men are going to care about another man's hints of "strawberry" blonde highlights in his hair??? lmao

I think it's partly because women can project themselves in her shoes more so than guys can project themselves into another guy's shoes.

Dead on. There's also the internal thoughts of, "Damn, I wish I looked like that," which I neglected to mention. It's not uncommon among cis women. I don't think that trans is even on most cis womens' radar, outside of TERFs. Cis women have an entirely different social structure than cis men do.

I use the phrase cis women not to exclude trans women but because these unspoken social rules have existed for a long, long time. I know several trans women who pass and who don't make their trans status known who are 100% accepted into this social structure. It's hard as hell to learn. I was born female, but raised male by my father who wanted the "eldest son", and... well, the TLDR version is that I basically abused and tormented for the crime of being born female. I've had multiple trans women friends said my experience is almost exactly their experience growing up. I'm 32, and I'm still learning that social structure -- and I've been working on it for a decade plus now.

So, I have an unusual perspective, being that I'm aware of both male and female Western social rules, cues, and structures. It comes in handy for stuff like this, but other times... it's really screwed me up. But I can tell for sure that part of transition is becoming yourself -- and that means you end up having to learn things that you've never considered before, because they're subtle. Some of em took me a freaking long time to learn, so I have a ton of sympathy/empathy. It's not easy, not one little bit.