New life, old hatred.

[Sephirah]

First of all, I am sorry. I rarely ever post things about myself because, well, it's really not that important. But for the past couple of days I've been feeling really... well, bad. I found out yesterday that my brother and his wife had a new baby. A little girl. I didn't even know they were expecting. Which should give you an idea of the relationship I have with him.

Against my better judgement, I called him. It was stupid, I know. But I don't have any other family and... I don't know, even after everything, he's still my brother. He picked up, because it was a different number. And I told him I'd heard the news and that I was happy for him and his wife, and if he needed anything, I would try to help out.

It was a mistake. Even after all this time. I won't quote what he said because 90% of it was expletives. But the long and short of it was that they were very happy. And that there was no way in hell I was ever going to have any contact with my niece, much as my other nephew and niece, because I am, apparently, a sick ******, perverted, and in the same league as people who molest children. He doesn't want his kids to "catch what I have", and if I ever call him again, I will regret it.

I half expected this reaction. But... I don't know. Sometimes you know you really should just let it go, but it's hard. I wish... sometimes I wish I could turn the clock back. Heck, sometimes I wish it would all go away and I could have had a normal life. If wishes were horses then beggars would ride, huh. It is what it is. But it doesn't stop the heartache when you're alone in the dark of the night. As much as I try to stay strong, sometimes I wonder. Am I really that horrible of a person?

Sorry, I just needed to get this out. It's been eating away at me.

[KathyLauren]

You are not a horrible person, Sephirah!  You are a kind and loving sister who called her brother to offer congratulations, support and happiness.

Your brother's reaction is not a reflection on you.  It is all about him and the kind of person he is.  It is very sad that he feels that way, but it is not your fault.  Don't take on his negativity.  You have done nothing wrong.

[Amy1988]

I thank God or what ever that I'm a text book case of an introvert. I have no interest in relationships of any kind with other people.  Not romance, friendship, sex or otherwise.  I keep to myself and don't need people. I don't get lonely. My family don't even know I've fully transitioned because I never talk to them.  They're probably wondering what happened to me.  But that's the nice thing about being an introvert.  You don't get emotionally invested in other human beings.  There's no risk of heart break or rejection. 

[SailorMars1994]

You are going to hate me and i wouldnt doubt i get a negative rating. But your brother is many ways gave you a scum reaction, and sounds like a deep down awful person inside and out. Just remember girl, you are better then he will ever be. Its time to let him go and move on and the day he comes to his sense, you could give him a chance, though i would encourage you dont and forget him.

There are people who are deserving of your time. He is not one of them. We love you were and you have given me great advice in some threads. You are an amazing woman <3 -Ashley

[Kylo]

Am I really that horrible of a person?

You're not. He is.

[MissGendered]

Hi Sephirah...

You definitely are not anything short of wonderful.

What drives a person like your brother to react and act as he does? Well, studies show over and over again that those with the most extreme homophobic reactions are also the nost likely to be aroused by same sex imagery. That is no consolation when we are on the receiving end of such hatefulness, but what he hates, is how he feels deep down. He fears he is like you, in some way, so he must vilify you, and make you into a pariah, and banish you, just as he vilifies his own self, and banishes his own humanity. His words "catch what you have" are very, very, very telling. Why would anybody imagine gender-variance is communicable? Hmmm...

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/homophobes-might-be-hidden-homosexuals/

And his association between transness and child molestation? Even more disturbing, and yet, another 'hmmm' moment. Also an especially significant 'tell' that he fears your trans-ness is something his CHILDREN could catch...

http://kalimunro.com/wp/articles-info/lesbian-gay/male-to-male-child-sexual-abuse-in-the-context-of-homophobia

Well-adjusted cis/straight people are generally indifferent to LGBT things, perhaps they are not supportive, nor enlightened, maybe even mildly offensive, occasionally, but they usually mind their own business, and live and let live...

I have read your words on this site many, many times now. While I don't know anything about you in real life, your thoughts and messages have been a window into your mind and heart. Your brother has no idea what a admirable, and loving, and kind, and perceptive woman you are, nor does he know how to tap into his own better nature. His fear of self-awareness drives him like a mad dog pulling a lead sled..

Let him go. He might likely be one of us, or at least gay/bi, or 'curious', and possibly a victim, but still, a zombie, a lost soul, one of the walking wounded that fears his fear more than he misses his own happiness. You cannot save him. Like all of us, he can only save himself..

You deserve sooo much better, you truly do!

Much, much, much love, girl.

((HUG))

Missy

[jentay1367]

That's heartbreaking that he's so hate filled and ignorant. I'm sorry for you and his wife and your niece.

[Janes Groove]

You are not alone.  Last weekend during a family crisis that led my family to temporarily reunite regarding mom's health my brother was being an ******* too.  After coming out to him over 14 months ago and telling him my new name last summer he still continues to call me by my old name and apparently misgenders me when I'm not around.  His narrow prejudices mean more to him than even a civil relationship with me.  Sad.  The life we live.

[Denise]

I don't understand why/how people can be so.... pick a word/phrase here.

It would be like going off on someone because they have Polio, MS, etc... It's like they think we have a choice in this.  Who the **** would WANT to go through what we do.  I potentially could have lost everything when I came out to my wife.  EVERYTHING!  No one would CHOOSE to do this.

That's why I don't understand any negative reactions from people.  Whether you call it ignorance or parroting the pulpit or just plain stupidity I think it comes down to not wanting to admit they know nothing about something they know so much about.

Sephirah, I put you in a different class than me.  I've had it easy as I have not lost any family or friends.  You have had a much harder time and for that I admire you and would like to actually give you a real hug (not just a virtual one).  Keep strong because from where I'm sitting, you are stronger than I.

- lots of love and hopefully encouragement to keep your head held high.
- Dee

[Rachel]

Sephirah, I am sorry your brother does not accept that you are trans and has treated you so horribly. You are a very caring person and should not internalize his ignorance. still, it hurts when someone you once loved has such a rude and hateful reaction.

[Nina_Ottawa]

Sorry to hear, I know how you feel.
My brother disowned me, but he did leave the door open. He said if I need a bone marrow recipient, I can call him.
My sister disowned me.
My ex wife has kept my daughter from me.

Yeah, it hurts, but over time, you start putting it in the past. "I must move on!"

[Amoré]

A lot of people can share in this pain. My brother also distanced himself from me as well as my dad. I must beg for them to have any sort of communication with me. 

[lc100]

I am very sorry to hear about that. Your brother is the horrible person, not you. That may not be what you want to hear, but that sort of response to your kind call was absolutely uncalled for. I hope you can feel better soon. If you ever need to post more, don't hesitate to. It is important.

[kathb31]

Sephirah,

I'm so sorry to hear about how your brother reacted. You were trying to be
loving and supportive and all he did was show you hate. Don't let it bring
you down. I've been fortunate with my brother, as he is gay, and so has no
issues with my being trans. You may have to write him off and search out
the people who truly love and care about you.

[DawnOday]

My brother was my best friend for 62 years. I did all i could for him, I had to drop him cause I had no other choice. No matter how much you love, it is hard to overcome hate. Sorry you have to go through this. But it will heal in time and you can get on with your life.

Dawn

[Tessa James]

Hi Sephirah...

You definitely are not anything short of wonderful.

What drives a person like your brother to react and act as he does? Well, studies show over and over again that those with the most extreme homophobic reactions are also the nost likely to be aroused by same sex imagery. That is no consolation when we are on the receiving end of such hatefulness, but what he hates, is how he feels deep down. He fears he is like you, in some way, so he must vilify you, and make you into a pariah, and banish you, just as he vilifies his own self, and banishes his own humanity. His words "catch what you have" are very, very, very telling. Why would anybody imagine gender-variance is communicable? Hmmm...

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/homophobes-might-be-hidden-homosexuals/

And his association between transness and child molestation? Even more disturbing, and yet, another 'hmmm' moment. Also an especially significant 'tell' that he fears your trans-ness is something his CHILDREN could catch...

http://kalimunro.com/wp/articles-info/lesbian-gay/male-to-male-child-sexual-abuse-in-the-context-of-homophobia

Well-adjusted cis/straight people are generally indifferent to LGBT things, perhaps they are not supportive, nor enlightened, maybe even mildly offensive, occasionally, but they usually mind their own business, and live and let live...

I have read your words on this site many, many times now. While I don't know anything about you in real life, your thoughts and messages have been a window into your mind and heart. Your brother has no idea what a admirable, and loving, and kind, and perceptive woman you are, nor does he know how to tap into his own better nature. His fear of self-awareness drives him like a mad dog pulling a lead sled..

Let him go. He might likely be one of us, or at least gay/bi, or 'curious', and possibly a victim, but still, a zombie, a lost soul, one of the walking wounded that fears his fear more than he misses his own happiness. You cannot save him. Like all of us, he can only save himself..

You deserve sooo much better, you truly do!

Much, much, much love, girl.

((HUG))

Missy

The above from Missy (thank you) nicely captures what I feel too.  Having read the thoughtful, sensitive advice and counsel you have provide to many others here it seems doubly sad you too must endure such BS.  You are so deeply caring and I can only trust that your big heart has the capacity to help you through.

Yes, much love, hugs and admiration for you

[jentay1367]

There of course is the theory that has been bandied about for a good many years now that this is a generational thing. That siblings may have it as well, and some gene may be passed down from familial sources. So the idea that your brother is a self loathing transgendered person is in no way as far fetched as it may appear on the surface. Regardless of whether or not this is true, he does have an entirely unhealthy revulsion.
     To hamfistedly paraphrase from Hamlet,  "The brother doth protest too much, methinks."
     This isn't to say he understands the relationship, he may not have let his conscious mind even grasp the idea, but it is interesting that he's so involved with this. It brings to mind what I was once told about love and hate. That the opposite of love, is not what we'd expect, that being......hate. Rather it was... indifference
     If you think about it, when you're truly finished with something or have no real interest, you walk away, you don't rail against it like a rabid dog.

[Sephirah]

Sorry it's taken a while for me to get back to this. A few health issues have had me out of action. Nothing new there, lol.

Thank you all, for taking the time to reply to this. It never fails to amaze me how much support people here can show, and how much there is a coming together when someone is hurting. It means a lot to me. More than you probably know.

I've spent a while thinking about this, and reading the replies here, something left me a little bit dumbstruck. I had to do a bit of a double take. The insight here is, frankly staggering. And something which I never considered has been playing on my mind. Thanks to something brought up in this thread.

Let him go. He might likely be one of us, or at least gay/bi, or 'curious', and possibly a victim, but still, a zombie, a lost soul, one of the walking wounded that fears his fear more than he misses his own happiness. You cannot save him. Like all of us, he can only save himself..

Missy, your intuition is uncanny. I think it might have something to do with that. Something that I haven't even thought about since we were kids. Way back when, there was a guy. The father of a couple of kids who he hung out with. School friends of his. It turns out, he was a paedophile. There was a huge deal made about it back at the time. He came out as gay at the same time. He ended up going to prison, for things he'd apparently done to several kids in the area. I wasn't told most of what went on then. I remember my brother was questioned by the police, though. It was all very hush hush.

I have to wonder if he's made those connections in his head. That anyone who isn't straight and cisgendered falls into the category of "That guy who went to prison because of what he did". Even though obviously the two things are entirely different and nothing to do with each other. I think it's likely. For everything else my brother is, he isn't the kind of person to hate without a reason in his own head. But a young kid makes all kinds of leaps of mental faith because they just don't know any better.

I guess that's trying to justify it, and honestly... I just don't care anymore. But knowing the "why" of it would be something. It isn't worth trying to get through to him to find out though. He wouldn't tell me, or talk about it. And were it anyone else I would advise them to leave it alone. I think I should take my own advice and focus on what I do have, instead.

But I think that has made things possibly clearer in my own mind. And able to move on from it.

So... thank you.