What to make of these feelings?

[SailorMars1994]

Hey all. So i have been having oddish feelings lately. The thing is the last few days i have been Ashley the whole time. And i must say, i have been more stable in my emotions then i have been in almost a year. It has been a bit, it kinda sucked because for  bit of this time i have been fighting a winter cold but the last few days after cold were great! On thursda i went out and got my hair done after breakfast and had a coffee and lunch date with a dear girl-friend of mine. It was great, friday was an even better day i felt for a portion of it i was drowning in womanhood!!! (yay!!) and yestarday and today i felt much more focused at work and deep down just good.

Now, heres the issue. Tho at times i can feel like the woman i feel i should have always been, there are times i feel nothing, .. which isnt bad, its not a depressing feeling and i dont feel negative or what not but i dont feel like a woman at times.. though, i also dont have feelings of being a man either. Which is great, because not too long ago when i felt i wasnt a woman i would instantly make a conntection to how that proves i am a 'man'' which sent me down a very anxious and depressing spirial. Another thing is i fear i may not be able to make a whole connection to my womanhood at times because i know soon i may not be able to afford my HRT and to make ends meet may have to join the military.. as a man (big buzz kill). These things have been adding up.

What i am having a hard time understanding is how i present as a woman and sometimes not feel like one. Again, even here i dont feel like a guy at all which has lead to a stable me but its like omg this is kinda odd. Why would this happen? all i know is i dont wana go back to manhood , and am still trying to find someway to get another career that wont involve me having to be a man for half a year. 

[Dena]

When you are comfortable in your body, you don't think about if you are a man or a woman. That's why it's so difficult for a CIS person to understand how we feel because they don't know what it is to feel like to a man or a woman. When you present as a woman and you don't think about it, that is how you should feel after you finish your transition. If you are in a sexual relationship, there might be time when some of the feelings come out but most of the time it will just be freedom from dysphoria.

[Floof]

I agree with Dena, I think when your not really feeling anything about it it's cause your just comfortable at that time. And thats a good thing, its how it should be. It's great to have those little rushes of pure happiness when you get to be who you want to be tho, a wonderful feeling. I dont think about it most of the time, I'm not happy especially or sad just comfortable and not thinking much about my body.. Though I do often smile and wink at my own reflection if I'm having a good day..

It makes me so sad to hear you may not be able to afford your HRT anymore! What an awful situation to be in, I can imagine how frustrating it must be. It's easy to forget how lucky I am to live in a country where healthcare is well covered by the state, and half a years worth of HRT only costs me the equivalent of 20-30 USD.

[SailorMars1994]

Thanks you two. This has given me so much needed clarity. I must say it does feel good not to have ''him'' in my mind. I guess its just odd, i dont get nearly as many happy/excitment rushes these days as i got at one point, especially in 2014 when i came out. But i dont feel bad, i feel calmer and more nutureal and i am ok with that . And yes the money thing sucks, i am depratley looking for a 2nd job but Petawawa is super super small. Just give me best wishes and who knows maybe the universe will be nice

[Floof]

Thanks you two. This has given me so much needed clarity. I must say it does feel good not to have ''him'' in my mind. I guess its just odd, i dont get nearly as many happy/excitment rushes these days as i got at one point, especially in 2014 when i came out. But i dont feel bad, i feel calmer and more nutureal and i am ok with that . And yes the money thing sucks, i am depratley looking for a 2nd job but Petawawa is super super small. Just give me best wishes and who knows maybe the universe will be nice

The beginning is definently more exciting, but I still get those rushes of happy -most recently when I finally got to start HRT after living 2 years as full time woman. I'm sure you have felt that joy yourself! May I ask what kind of cost you are facing? I apologize for being intrusive and definently feel free to decline, but it would be nice to have some idea of what people pay in other countries thanks!

Absolutely the best of luck in all your future endeavours <3

[SailorMars1994]

Thannks girl! yes i remember the first time i got on HRT after a year of living as a woman. It was a special day , and i pay 45$ for Tblockers  and about 42$ for E i think, the pricing isnt too bad but you have to add in the fact i only make 100$ a week now :/... ad i have debts and other things i must pay off. It adds up and gets to ya :/

[Floof]

Thannks girl! yes i remember the first time i got on HRT after a year of living as a woman. It was a special day , and i pay 45$ for Tblockers  and about 42$ for E i think, the pricing isnt too bad but you have to add in the fact i only make 100$ a week now :/... ad i have debts and other things i must pay off. It adds up and gets to ya :/

No problem sista XD.

Thanks for info that's really interesting, and pretty sucky.. I mean my country is infamous for its extremely high cost of living, but my meds come so much cheaper. Again all the best of luck =).

[SailorMars1994]

Thanks hun <#, perhaps a bit later i will PM ya ! you seem intresting !