Spikes of Dysphoria

[Mirath]

Sometimes this makes me wonder if it is all just me making it up in my head, you know?

As stated in my introduction, I'm FTM, but I'm more than happy to hear from all angles.

It seems to be that it's a constant low level of discomfort most of the time, even though I try to shove it down as much as I can, or even let it ride over me. Some part of me thinks I need new clothes, since almost every article of clothing I own is either female-fit or unisex. The unisex ones aren't too bad though.

Then at about a three or four month time (not taking into account 'that' time), it seems to blow up into tears and disgust even when faced by the choice of 'what will I wear?', even with a binder on sometimes because it just feels wrong. Everything usually feels wrong...

Of course, when it is 'that' time, of course it's going to heighten my emotions or loathing. Natural process, heh... At first even I though that was the cause, but as I tracked when it spiked, the two didn't match up perfectly like I first thought they did.

How about you all? Does it spike for you as well, is it more constant, or maybe something entirely different?

And then, how do you manage (not sure if that's the right word) those feelings?

[Deborah]

Yes, that's exactly how it used to work for me too.  It was cyclic although I never really did figure out what caused it to spike that way.  Over time though the spikes became higher and higher until eventually I was driven into the pits of despair and on the brink of suicide.

The way I generally handled them was to drink heavily and cross dress until they subsided back to a low level.  Probably not really the best of coping strategies. 

Eventually I fell into obsessive long distance running as a diversion.  This actually worked very well for a time as had my mind laser focused on a goal and kept myself  exhausted.  It was not a permanent solution though because after about 2.5 years the volume of exercise necessary to keep my mind off dysphoria led to some injuries, many chronic pains, and eventually severe overtraining wth a disrupted endocrine system.  At that point I was forced to stop and running any length of time had become impossible anyway. 

After I completely stopped exercising, my body did fully recover after about six months. But the dysphoria also returned, driving me back to extremely deep levels of depression.  When suicidal ideation again became a dominant thought in my mind I said "enough" and made an appointment to see a therapist and start HRT.  This has been the only thing that has ever really worked to stop feeling dysphoria and depressed.


It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves

[Kylo]

I didn't get spikes, only when I thought about specific things, which I trained myself to avoid. T has helped a lot but it also means I now think about those things rather than avoiding them, some of them really can't be avoided now and have to be looked at and dealt with. So I guess even though things are improving, I have to think about things that make me dysphoric more.

[JoanneB]

I am a lot of the same, getting the spikes, total breakdown Dark Days when you think "I NEED to Transition" vs just I want to. Part of how I've looked at it is that I have a lifetime of practice keeping the feelings under control. That is untill I knew I needed to take the Trans-Beast on for real. A lot of the old methods of keeping the corks submerged no longer worked. At the same time new ones, healthy ones, took their places. Another part is the days/weeks looking at a collection of things about your body and your life you'd like different and feel.... stuck(?). The negative feelings just build up pressure until you burst into tears.

[josie76]

Surges of Dysphoria is how I would describe things. Usually precipitated by some trigger. Could be anything, looking at myself in a mirror, or just seeing a woman in a store just being herself. Anything that for years I "couldn't do or be" can be a trigger. Once I accepted transition was the way for me it just made the Dysphoria worse. It's not like anything in my life changed but I opened up that door in my mind I've been pushing shut all my life. Kinda like a cartoon with all of the junk piled in the closet. Once I cracked the door open it all spilled out into the room of my mind. Despite the Dysphoria, I am happier now no longer surpressing my true self. I let those emotions I always had flow. It has taken some getting used to.