Ftm constantly postponed inject suicidal

[Raeden]

I'm ftm supposedly over two months on t nebido.
I live in Trinidad a stupid third world country where after three years of searching and doctors I finally found one endo who would give me hrt.

Saw her first in may then did months of blood work she was so booked I could only see her again in August for my first shot.

Did my blood tests and they were lost so I could not get my booster in october  Started again in November. My endo went on maternity leave and organized for the staff to give me my shot when she orders the nebido.
Went back December for booster.. The nurse did it quickly and on my way home almost all or all leaked. I have no way to directly contact herso called staff and they just said its nothing.

My previous blood tests show my t level reach bottom fem levels at only five weeks. However my binder had become tight in january on the third fishhook catch and taught. My biceps slightly bigger.

Xmas time I was told to call my endo sister who is a doctor too and I did but they kept saying she will call back up to this day she hasn't.
I called to order my shot two weeks ago and they said my endo will say when to order it. My binder is onvthe tightest fishhook clasp again and is loose on meMy arms are losing size and the staff and endo are ignoring me. I think my t is at zero again and I can't start all over again. They want to me to come back march and no sooner. I feel I would kill myself sooner than later. They are just playing with my life and i can't take it. I have absolutely no changes now.

[Elis]

Sorry about your current situation :/. Is there anyway to make an anonymous complaint about your doctor? Not mentioning you're ftm but simply saying you're a man who has low T levels and your doctor isn't administering your medication when she should? There's also the option of taking gel, I'm on testogel which comes in a single dose satchet and it works tje same as nebido and sustanon. Many trans men never need to up their dose when taking gel (it comes in a standard dose) plus you can apply it yourself but it's not cheap.

As for binding please don't use a binder with hooks; it's the worse way to bind as there's not much elasticity in the material causing damage to your ribs. GC2B make great binders and are designed by and for trans men.

[Raeden]

There's no way to complain and no point. She's the one of two endo who is willing to give hrt here. I'm naive the only tranguy. This country is anti trans or no one knows what it is. I can't get anything else Although I wanted to ask her sister doctor about cypionate but she's never called back . the country only orders nebido. Anyway they won't let you take it yourself they want control everything .
The binder works well my chest is small.
They won't order it.. They keep saying well email her and well call you back. She is just working with trial and error.I can't do trial and error another year for her to figure out its not working. I tried so hard to find an endo.. Going to psychiatrist who don't know what I'm talking about then staying home for months in bed depressed then trying again for the past three years I can't do it anymore.  I'm 23 and I haven't cotton a chance to live . I don't go iht and I don't even show my face on social sites io can't communicate with anyone. I didn't know I would still have to be hiding.

[Elis]

There's no way to complain and no point. She's the one of two endo who is willing to give hrt here. I'm naive the only tranguy. This country is anti trans or no one knows what it is. I can't get anything else Although I wanted to ask her sister doctor about cypionate but she's never called back . the country only orders nebido. Anyway they won't let you take it yourself they want control everything .
The binder works well my chest is small.
They won't order it.. They keep saying well email her and well call you back. She is just working with trial and error.I can't do trial and error another year for her to figure out its not working. I tried so hard to find an endo.. Going to psychiatrist who don't know what I'm talking about then staying home for months in bed depressed then trying again for the past three years I can't do it anymore.  I'm 23 and I haven't cotton a chance to live . I don't go iht and I don't even show my face on social sites io can't communicate with anyone. I didn't know I would still have to be hiding.

So there's no organisation you can send a letter to which makes sure doctors do their job ethically and properly? Or maybe post a letter to the doctors office? Even cis guys sometimes need a T booster so you don't have to mention you're a trans man.

And even if your chest is small it can still do damage because the binder restricts your breathing by compressing your ribs and lungs. In serious cases over time your ribs will bruise and your lungs may fill up with fluid.

Sorry I can't over much helpful advice :/. Just keep pestering the GP, keep calling them and emailing them; they can't ignore you forever.

[Raeden]

This is Trinidad. There's nothing here. I took years to find out about her.
When I get my testosterone results, I'm going to email it to them so she could see what she did to me and then I'm going to kill myself.

[vanderpn]

Please stay strong, Raeden. I know that I complain a lot about the resources here in the US, but I can't even imagine what it's like for you. For a lot of different reasons, including gender dysphoria, I've been suicidal before, and it can be such a hard burden to bear. Please know that you have found a community who will love and accept you for who you are and wants you to stick around and share your story with us. Take it one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time, and you will get through this. Sending you love.

[Elis]

Please stay strong, Raeden. I know that I complain a lot about the resources here in the US, but I can't even imagine what it's like for you. For a lot of different reasons, including gender dysphoria, I've been suicidal before, and it can be such a hard burden to bear. Please know that you have found a community who will love and accept you for who you are and wants you to stick around and share your story with us. Take it one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time, and you will get through this. Sending you love.

^This. I've been there and understand how painful it is. You've found a community here you can vent too and there must be some way to find a safe online or offline community in Trinidad. The present is only a very small  percentage of the rest of your life. It may seem a lot at the moment but in the future it won't be.

[Raeden]

I can only think to forge blood results now.. So i won't have to wait till March...
Then there's next time and next....
Idk what she's doing to me...
At this point I'm not even happy to live as male.. Nothing seems worth it. I don't see anything for my life. I foubt I will make it through this. I never cared about life anyway. But I followed all the rules.. For so long.

[Elis]

I can only think to forge blood results now.. So i won't have to wait till March...
Then there's next time and next....
Idk what she's doing to me...
At this point I'm not even happy to live as male.. Nothing seems worth it. I don't see anything for my life. I foubt I will make it through this. I never cared about life anyway. But I followed all the rules.. For so long.

Forging blood tests results isn't a good idea; you're likely to be found out. It's to try and focus on one thing at a time; on one thing that you need to accomplish that day; no matter how small that may be. If you're not happy as female you have nothing to lose by trying to live as male. If it even only makes you very slightly happier it's worth it.

[TigerLilyNYC]

Raeden, your situation is pretty unique as it sounds like you're pretty alone in Trinidad. But you are surrounded by support here. Just throwing this out there...saving up to move to Miami? I have a Trini friend who lives there. She has a work Visa. I know that's difficult. But we still are a country that welcomes everyone no matter what is going on with our current president. Try to keep your spirits up. We are here for you!

[Raeden]

No I've done enough struggling  i wont anymore.can't go Florida.anything that can go wrong always goes wrong.it's all been a waste.
Next time will be the same and the next and next. I'm tired.
BTW your facial hair does revert and so does your voice.it's not perm after all