Scared

[Savannah 51]

  I am about to put myself in to a very uncomfortable position and thought I'd share it with all of you. But first I want to say that while I visit Susans daily, and have gained much through other's posts, I have not posted much myself. I suppose because I don't feel I have much to contribute at this point in my journey. So perhaps I should give a short reintroduction here: I am 65 yo and while I've known my truth going back to my earliest memories (that would be when I was 4-5 years old) I have only been dealing with this really for little over a year now. (I did have a short attempt at dealing with it a year or so prior to this that failed)  My whole life has been about hiding this, never letting anyone to close least they see through my cloak of masculinity to the truth which lies within. And that truth is that I am a feminine woman. Oh, I hid it well, always throwing on another layer of hyper masculinity whenever I felt someone getting to close. Layer after layer until I didn't even know who the hell I was. But it all came to a head, my anger was off the charts....honestly I was scaring myself at times. I couldn't go on, who was this angry and bitter person anyway, this is not me, this is not the person I was meant to be. So I came out to my wife (long story there) and sought out a local therapist for help. I also started underdressing with panties 24/7 and a bra whenever I can....And of course there are the weekends when I love to dress within our home. I'm happy to say that although there is still much work to do I am in a much better place now....so much happier! Oh I still have those days when the doubts and fears come creeping into my mind, but I am slowly moving forward regardless. My hair is very long and my breasts are now a B cup and when I look in the mirror, I like the person looking back at me. I did however, after 3 months, have to let my therapist go. I am thankful that she was there when I desperately needed someone to talk to, but I believe she had checked the gender identity box off without really having any experience in that area outside of one other transwoman. And never with anyone carrying as much baggage as myself. The last 2 visits she just gave off the vibe that she had done all that she could do and was done with me. I have recently found a gender therapist that is almost a 2 hour drive away but worth every minute of the drive. She's wonderful and that brings me to why I'm here...

  Tomorrow I have my second appointment with her and I want to go dressed. Nothing special, skinny jeans, a nice white top and a lovely pink cardigan and of course a few accessories. The thing is I still have facial hair....that is, I have a mustache and goatee that I cannot yet shave off. Suffice to say that I want to, it's complicated, and without writing a novel I cannot explain here. Other than a couple of trans support groups meetings I have never been dressed in public. And never in the light of day in public. This would really be pushing my comfort level. But I'm thinking that in order to move forward I need to push my comfort levels or risk becoming stagnant. I fully expect the walk from the parking lot to her third floor office will probably be the longest walk ever for me, and perhaps in the end, the most amazing, rewarding thing I have done to date. Can I do this? I think so,  But I'm scared, really scared. I must remember to hold my head high and carry myself with dignity. And smile!

I welcome any thoughts, advice...

[Nora Kayte]

Sounds a lot like me when it comes to the goatee. It was a long story as to why. But it was basically that I have always had it. Had it when I met my wife and keeping it was one of the things I did for her along with my side burns that kept her comfortable about my transition. But we since got in an argument about something else. So I basically shaved it off to spite her. But I finally did it and now it will stay gone.

Sorry for the long intro. But what I wanted to actually say is that both therapist that I have been to will allow me to change into what I felt was more comfortable after I arrived. So I did not have to walk outside in front of everyone. Might be a good question to ask before you go. That way the first time is not such of a long walk and you can slowly get to where you you want to be. Instead of jumping in head first.


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[Harley Quinn]

Savannah, thank you for sharing. Although pushing limits can be very big... I would say that there's nothing wrong with ensuring that you are ready for the step. Sometimes taking things slow is actually better than rushing. Don't let the random people on the street ruin your day. In the end, knowing what you want and going after it is the biggest reward. Take solace in the fact that we have all been there and best of luck! One foot in front of the other and be proud of yourself for being you.

[mikesmiles]

I am in total agreement with Norma Lynne.   Calling to verify that dressing on site is a go and then getting there early so that you are dressed and ready for your appointment seems like a great option.
Wishing you the best!

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[Savannah 51]

  I want to thank those that have taken the time to respond here. It means a great deal to me I assure you. Norma Lynne, it is indeed for my wife that I have the facial hair and I too have had both the moustache and goatee my whole life. It is part of my mask of masculinity that I have hid behind all these years.  And I did shave it off last spring or early summer, but the distress that it created with my wife was unbearable....the crying and name calling was more than I could take and I caved and grew it back. BIG MISTAKE! Once off I should of left it off because now I have to go through it all again. And not only with my wife but with friends (you know, the what the hell are you doing line). However, it appears that our marriage will not survive this should I go any further with transitioning and it seems she is planning for a divorce if I do. I am saddened by this but I cannot deny the truth any more and I have to move forward...there just isn't any other choice for me. I informed her just the other day I will be shaving it off again soon .....she is not happy.

  As far as changing at the therapists office, I don't know.  She is but one in a group of 6 therapists that form a mental health practice and the waiting room is large. Add to this that the restrooms are down the hall so I would have to go to the men's room to change, then return to the waiting room.....Hmmmm, don't think so. They may have a room that I could use for changing, I don't know. Perhaps I should call and check on that. It certainly would be easier.  You know, I keep thinking that my beard will clock me (and it will of course), but even if the beard were gone I couldn't pass. So damn these fears. Perhaps I should just summon up the courage and walk out the door and to hell with what others think. The worst I think I would get is some looks. And who cares? I certainly won't let these random people ruin my day! (Thanks Harley Quinn)

  Big HUGS to all of you!

[Floof]

You seem like such a determined and brave person, I greatly admire that. My first time outside dressed up was at 17 so I had -and still have- none of the life commitments weighing down on me that you have, and it was still the scariest thing I've ever done. I'm afraid I don't have much experience or advice to offer -I am young and unwise!-, I just wanted to say that I admire your courage and commitment to what you feel is right, and I wish you all the best going forward.

In my experience, the vast majority just send you those looks you mention.. Skeptical, confused, but it truly doesnt matter! I would certainly recommend you take the advice of these other people seriously, they seem to know what they are talking about.

Best of luck <3

[SadieBlake]

I took off my beard in 2000 when I spent 3 weeks in SF, it was a test to see how I'd look that I didn't want to do among people who know me.

I didn't like my face shaved, pure and simple.

This and baldness are the primary reasons I'm choosing to present non-binary. Passing is simply a bridge too far.

[anjaq]

"Pushing Comfort levels"... I am not sure I understand - for me, every step towards where I am now was actually more comforting. Loosing facial hair was a great relief. One should not give so much about the others. Transitioning is largely a selfish process, sadly, so eventually one has to face the opposition anyways, unless one wants to just do a few little things and not fully transition. Regarding dressing more feminine but retaining masculine features - maybe an option there is to use unisex clothing. For a while I was dressing androgynous - which was ok, people who believed I was a boy still could see a boy, albeit a feminine one, probably gay - others already called me with female pronouns... Eventually hormones and laser hair removal managed to push this perception fully towards the latter

[Nora Kayte]

If you need to talk about anything. Feel free to message me. I usually get my notifications that I have a message. I know for me when something happens and my therapist is 2 days away I need to talk to someone.

[Denise]

Baby steps... How about androgynous?  Women's jeans, woman's zip up hoodie, maybe low heals. 

[Janes Groove]

Some thoughts:

My whole life has been about hiding this, never letting anyone to close least they see through my cloak of masculinity to the truth which lies within. And that truth is that I am a feminine woman. Oh, I hid it well, always throwing on another layer of hyper masculinity whenever I felt someone getting to close. Layer after layer until I didn't even know who the hell I was. But it all came to a head, my anger was off the charts....honestly I was scaring myself at times.

Me too, except I never went the super alpha male route.  I could never kid myself that I would ever be a macho man.  Congratulations on realizing this tho.  Imagine if gender non-conforming people felt no need whatsoever to hide.  All the energy that we spend for so many years after years after years. Energy spent on hiding.  Imagine that energy now going to other purposes. Imagine the progress this would provide our communities and families and society as a whole.

I have recently found a gender therapist that is almost a 2 hour drive away but worth every minute of the drive. She's wonderful and that brings me to why I'm here...

Good call. I read a website that suggested one find a gender therapist who has successfully helped at least three clients through a transition.  It's such an important thing.  I wasn't about to go to a therapist who didn't do this a lot and have a lot of experience. And that advice really paid off big time for me.

The thing is I still have facial hair....that is, I have a mustache and goatee that I cannot yet shave off. Suffice to say that I want to, it's complicated, and without writing a novel I cannot explain here.

I had a beard all the way up to when I came out. The day after I came out I got rid of it and started electrolysis.   For me it was just another way of hiding my transgender identity.  As long as I had a beard nobody would suspect right?  Again the whole wasted energy thing.   Also, congratulations on the new gender therapist.

[Savannah 51]

  So, to update everyone, I did fully dress before leaving my home to keep my appointment with my gender therapist. I dressed very casual as I mentioned before, wearing my skinny jeans with a very cute top along with a beautiful necklace and my cherished bracelet that had been my mothers. I did follow some advice offered to me and ended up carrying in my lovely pink cardigan to put on once inside the office, but as it turns out I needn't of done that. It really turned out to be a non event. As I have noted in other posts, people are going about their daily lives and just don't pay that much attention, and those that did notice gave me no more than a casual look and I returned that with a friendly smile. Also, prior to going I was so scared and nervous as you well know, however when I arrived after an almost 2hr drive I was surprisingly calm and confident, and without hesitation I walked from my pickup head held high and owning it. And with a smile. Where this new found confidence came from I do not know, but the feeling was real and just washed over me and at that moment I knew I could do this. Perhaps it was just my time.
  I am so, so happy that I made the decision to go dressed.  It feels as if I have passed a milestone in this journey somehow and today I have literally been walking on clouds. I cannot possibly express the joy I have in my heart at this moment. I never want to let go of it!
  I realize that future experiences my not go so smoothly, but for right now I'm going with this. And I know that my next venture out will be easier, and the one after that yet even easier, and so on. In short....I can do this!

  Floof,
  OMG,Thank you so much for saying that! I don't feel brave to be honest. Determined perhaps, and confident when the moment came. Thanks again Hun, your words mean a great deal to me.

  SadieBlake,
  I understand completely. When I shaved mine I went to work the very next day. The change was so profound that the people I work with didn't know who I was! Seriously, they thought that it was perhaps my brother that had come in to work for me!  Hmmmm, I guess it is a mask.

  Norma Lynne,
  Thank you so much for the offer, it means more than you can possibly know. So many times I just need someone to talk to, someone to give me a different point of view, or perhaps a swift kick in the pants. We all need encouragement from time to time. Thanks again Hun, and let me add that you can feel free to message me anytime you wish also. I'm here daily.

   Jane Emily,
   In fact, I have thought what the world might be if we could end all this hiding by both gender non-conforming and gay people and direct that energy towards more constructive purposes. Imagine a much happier world. Imagine....you may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one... John Lennon.

  I want to thank again all that took the time to respond to my posting. You girls are simply the best!  Hugs, Savannah
 

[MissGendered]

Hello Savannah!

What a lovely name, I like it, very nice!!

Congratulations on having such a great day, and the fortitude to do it your way, come what may..

Isn't it funny, what a non-event feels like after sooo much consternation and soul-grinding fear of the unknown? I know I was petrified, like a deer caught in the headlights. I expected to be chased down by an angry mob with pitchforks and torches, I was so worried the world would stop turning. I hadn't realized how little my macho act had really mattered, lol. It was mostly just important to me and my spouse, I guess..

I hope you have many, many more wonderful new experiences along your path, but there can be lows that go with the highs, but as we grow ever closer to our true selves, the air grows sweeter, the sun shines brighter, and the flowers, oh, the flowers, they bloom so boldly, and their scents, they become so vibrant..

Again, congratulations, you are on your way now.

Missy

[Floof]

Thats amazing and so exciting! I do think you are brave, there are lots of brave people on here who dare overcome those great big lumps of anxiousness and fear in their stomachs and take the first steps into the light. Those are always the hardest, I'm so happy for you <3

[AnneK]

Back when I started cross dressing, I was also terrified to go out.  However, after a while it became OK and I became more comfortable.  I guess your big problem is with your wife.  Hopefully, she'll come around.

Me too, except I never went the super alpha male route.  I could never kid myself that I would ever be a macho man.  Congratulations on realizing this tho.

While I was always clearly a male, I never did that either.  I can't stand the thought of being "macho", as I find macho guys come across as jerks.

These days, I enjoy exploring my feminine side.