New and blue (or yellow)

[stacys]

Hi, I am Stacy. Lucky for me (now), that's my birth name My mom said, "Ha! That was lucky!" - the day I told her I didn't want to deny who I was any longer

I was born M, however, pretty much didn't know there was a difference until I started getting picked on for my feminine traits; with a girls name, and mixed race (I was very pretty), long curly hair, and sweet voice (as well as sweetest kid), others had to correct a LOT of people who kept calling me "her" or "she". With and older brother, I always played with the girls; and loved it! Though I was jealous they had prettier clothes. Even a I got older, people thought I was a girl - I know what it feels like to be a 12 year old getting cat-called by construction workers - EMBARRASSING! Especially when you are walking down the street with a guy friend. He turned to me and said, "I THINK those guys were gay!" AHH! Saved my butt.

Well, to cut this introduction sort (literally; I cut large pieces of this intro), I thought I was a transvestite growing up, since I liked dressing like a girl. But now, I am pretty confident I am transgender. Unfortunately, I took my feminine, 145lb, 5'11", body when I was in my late 20s, and got pretty muscular (180lb) in a short time. I "manned" up, read books on how not to be pushed around (consensus: just be a dick), grew a Vandyke, and started hammering whisky and daring people with just a glance and a raised brow.

Flash forward to now... having a deep soul search session, realizing why past relationships failed, why I hated my body and face, even after getting all good looking (to others), and why I feel like I have been pretending to be a man since I was 20; because I have been faking it. Well, I came out to my mom, and to my roommate (my mom new about the dressing up or the last 6 years; I just told her one day), my roommate had no clue - she thought I was the perfect guy.

Now, I am more confused than ever! It's like MPD or something; I like the HER I am in private, I hate the HIM I felt I had to be going out. I have since started owning up to certain things a man should never own up to (my favorite movie is Beaches, for example), "AND WHAT'S IT TO YUH?" stops any further queries on the matter

I feel SO much better getting it out and said - it was starting to get pretty dark here again. But now I have to figure out what's next... I am currently getting rid of the muscle and weight. I can't be that person any more; I can't hate myself any more. I am not being a dick any more (caring = getting your butt kicked where I grew up). I am looking into therapy (called one person, though I am timid about it; I have a bad history with therapists).

And I am now writing about this for the first time to complete strangers... but I have studied this for decades now. I have consumed so much information, and watched so many videos; but this place feels so welcoming. I have really been helped the last two months (when I found this site) by ya'll

I am also a talker/writer; one of the few girly traits I couldn't hide. So I apologize if I ran on here.

HI!
Stacy

[Michelle_P]

Stacy, that was a great intro!  Welcome to the site.

I hope you feel welcome here.  You've already done so much, coming out to family and your roommate.  That can be one of the hardest things, telling those closest to you about your true nature.  Well done, and I think you are going to do just fine.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to go through them.

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

[Jackie S]

Hi Stacy.  Let me add to the welcome. And let me commend you for your courage in taking this step to open up to us and placing some measure of trust in us.

In a way you have started therapy by sharing some of yourself with us. You probably have realized from your study (here or elsewhere) that it is pretty normal for guys who don't fit the macho standard get harassed, beaten, even stomped. If you've looked around here you probably also know there are a lot of us here who share many of your experiences (including your dysphoria) and many of your issues. And I mention that to reassure you that you will find a lot of understanding and support here.

As you search for a therapist, I recommend checking around and seeing if you can get recommendations from people who have worked with them. Also, it's important that you find one that you are compatible with and that you trust. If you don't feel safe, heard, and respected by the therapist, you won't make any progress with them. I recommend you put any potential therapist on probation/trial run to see how well you work with them. Any therapist that is worthwhile will understand your need for a good fit. If they don't, that automatically disqualifies them in my book.

Therapy comes in many forms and sizes. It's important that you find one that fits you. (And as you grow, you may find that you outgrow a particular therapist. If you do, then it is appropriate to find another that you fit with.)

Having a support group that you can trust (in person or virtual like this group) is also vital. None of us can make this journey alone. Now that you are here, I encourage you to stay involved -- both receiving support and giving it to others as you can.

By the way, most of us who are non-binary and/or genderfluid REALLY hear you when feel like you have MPD. As you grow in this journey, you may find that it lessens... or maybe you just learn to invite all those aspects of you to the party and have a good time with them all.

Once again, welcome and keep sharing as you can.

Hugs,
Jackie

[stacys]

Thank you all! I was a little nervous after I posted that message, but I feel great about it now!

And thank you for the advice and support.




Stacy

[V M]

Hi Stacy 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M