for those thinking of transition , what is your number one issue

[jjvoerman]

The hurt I caused/causing my wife.  It is tearing me up.

Hug

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[jjvoerman]

Last time I saw my daughter was 2008

😔

Ouch. You too love.

I should stop reading this thread

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[jjvoerman]

I don't want to derail what is likely to become another awesome thread, but what Jeanette and Nina and others have expressed has given me pause.

When I quit drinking and partying, I lost a whole lifetime of friends, activities, and associations. When I left university, I lost contact with amazing professors, colleagues, and I lost further educational opportunities, as well as losing social and political opportunities, and contact with many amazingly talented associates, with whom I socialized quite frequently. When I quit my profession to seek my way out of mental illness and my internal conflict, I lost tons of income, amazing relationships with stellar talents, as well as daily purpose and much creative satisfaction. When I announced I was actually a woman, I lost status, my spouse, my privilege, my history, my little empire, my self-concept, most of my remaining friends, and my future financial potential. I have gone through many changes in my life, and suffered huge losses each time, but l always got a fair return in exchange. I lost my ability to give birth to my own children as an infant, so yes, I do know loss. I have not had to face losing contact with my children or grand-kids, but I did lose the ability to be a matriarch. There has been no fair return on that loss. Nope.

Life is predicated on the fact that all we have, all we will ever be, will one day, be dust.

I am so very sorry for each and every sacrifice we face as we become authentic, I truly am.

But what we get in return, is ourselves. Our true selves. Without having that, what do we really actually have, even in a crowded room of people we love, if they don't really love the person we truly are?

Sorry to sidetrack, as this is a super topic, but I kinda thought the OP was intending us to answer about why it was we were transitioning, but that may have just been my take on it.

If it were titled 'what was your biggest transition regret or worry', I would have to say the loss of the love of my life. Hands down. But, what was the number one issue that drove me to transition? I needed peace of mind.

Even after all the losses, I do now have what I never had previously.

I have peace of mind.

I truly hope that when the dust settles in all of your lives, you too shall be rewarded with peace of mind.

I truly do.

Missy

Out of words

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[jjvoerman]

Love to you, wonderful brave people. You don't know half how great you are, even if you do.

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[KayXo]

I had many issues but my most pressing one, I guess was facial/chest/abdominal electrolysis + SRS followed by voice (even though I pass), then breasts (despite plenty of ciswomen having tiny boobs). Face is mostly fine but probably could be slightly improved. We, as transwomen, for the most part, seem to have very high standards, probably because of our unique circumstances and insecurities.

[KathyLauren]

The biggest issue for me will be coming out to my community.  There are a lot of hillbillies and rednecks in this area.  They are all very "nice" hillbillies and rednecks, but...

I have a lot of fear about this: fear of shunning, verbal abuse, even physical abuse.  Hopefully, they are too nice to get physical, but our lesbian neighbours were harassed when they first moved here.

[NikkiB51]

I think my number one issue is how this will impact my children, whom I could not live without.  My wife already supports me.  She is not sure how our relationship will go when (if) I fully transition.  At least she has some passing attraction to women, so that helps.  Maybe she will learn that she likes lesbian sex (lol).

Coming out to my children and my in-laws (both my parents have passed, so no issues there, no close family) will be difficult and I will put it off until absolutely necessary.

My heart goes out to those facing much deeper challenges than mine.  You have all shown me what real courage is.

[gallux]

Pretty much everything I have, "my little empire" as someone said earlier. But truly, number ZERO is my wife. She is the most important person in my life and she became so attached to me that nothing would ever make sense without her by my side, and I know, at the time I kick off the transition, we're separated. She was very emphatic: "This is the only thing I would never accept" That is what is preventing me from moving further and will probably prevent me forever.

[MissGendered]

Pretty much everything I have, "my little empire" as someone said earlier. But truly, number ZERO is my wife. She is the most important person in my life and she became so attached to me that nothing would ever make sense without her by my side, and I know, at the time I kick off the transition, we're separated. She was very emphatic: "This is the only thing I would never accept" That is what is preventing me from moving further and will probably prevent me forever.

((HUGS))

Missy

[HappyMoni]

Pretty much everything I have, "my little empire" as someone said earlier. But truly, number ZERO is my wife. She is the most important person in my life and she became so attached to me that nothing would ever make sense without her by my side, and I know, at the time I kick off the transition, we're separated. She was very emphatic: "This is the only thing I would never accept" That is what is preventing me from moving further and will probably prevent me forever.

I don't quite know how to say this right. It is sad that you have a choice between the person you love and the person you are. It is incredibly sad to me.

[HappyMoni]

My number one issue is being comfortable in my own skin. Make that, being comfortable with my own brain. Originally it was not hurting my two sons, but I am past that at this point. I want to be true to myself and never return to the sad pretender that I was most of my life.
Moni

[DawnOday]

Age. If I were twenty and with the information and professionals available today, I would have attempted this years ago. It has always been there just under the surface. After that would be acceptance in an unaccepting world.

[chicken2356]

Passing. 

[stephaniec]

yea, age is a biggy

[JoanneB]

Two threads in one... Positive & Negative issues

My biggest positive... Feeling the shear joy of being out in the real world as the real me. That positive energy puts so many day to day negatives into their proper proportion.

My biggest negative... The potential impact and unknowns a full social transition will have upon "The Us", my wife and I. Not the relationship itself but the impact on my career, our finances, and eventually her health. Today, I am lucky I don't NEED to transition. Perhaps some day I can fully live the dream without these fears.

[RachelH]

My biggest negative... The potential impact and unknowns a full social transition will have upon "The Us", my wife and I. Not the relationship itself but the impact on my career, our finances, and eventually her health. Today, I am lucky I don't NEED to transition. Perhaps some day I can fully live the dream without these fears.

This pretty much sums it up for me too.  That and I have a child with special needs so I cannot even remotely put her in jeopardy, even at my own expense.  If I were to transition I could potentially no longer take care of her so for that reason alone (among many others) I know that I will most likely never make the transition regardless of how badly I feel I need it.
Paula

[xFreya]

Legal stuff. Even changing my legal name was a big hurdle and couldn't have done if we didn't find a great lawyer who is experienced with these things. Now I have to get GCS before I can update my legal gender. And I will but life would be much less stressful if I had the correct IDs already.

Also gatekeeping. It took 8 months of unnecessary and expensive therapy for hormones. I was sure of myself for years and was absolutely ready, no mental or financial issues. Sessions consisted of her asking lots of questions most of them irrelevant, she wouldn't even remember anything next month ask same things again... Each time I ended up feeling worse.
She had told me in the beginning that she had to wait at least 6 months before she can prescribe me hormones and had me thinking it is a legal obligation. When I later told her on 6th or 7th session I find it silly and harmful that an adult trans person who is informed and ready has to wait this long she passionately argued me. Then I figured it was no legal obligation but her old fashioned ways.  I won't even get into our experience with another psychiatrist I went to 5 years ago as a 17 yo. He claimed I am probably not really trans because I didn't show signs when I was like 5 and gave me a lot of irrelevant medication instead and absolutely ruined a year of my life. When I mentioned side effects he wouldn't listen.

And lastly my father's failure to adjust affected me emotionally too. I mean he is not the worst he has been supportive financially but like.. he told me "I wouldn't do it" in every important step, he refrained from using any name or gendering me for a year or more, he has kept it a secret for 1.5 years from our extended family. My paternal grandparents still don't know about me. (they live in another city) He's like "I don't want them to get sad" they have no rights to be sad I am not a criminal or terminally ill.. and guess what I can get sad too.

[josie76]

1: balancing my feelings of freedom and happiness with my wife's feelings of loss and grief. This is the worst. Little things that make me feel good about moving forward, I often can't really share with her because she sees them as a loss. On the plus side, she now sees me most of the time as female in her mind. On one hand she has issues with it because now she feels like she has to watch what and how she says things to me so as not to hurt my feelings (my feelings were always there I just mostly hid the open reaction to things before) , on the other hand she likes that I now tell her what's going on in my head more openly. Interestingly she has always been more assertive and direct personality wise than I.

2: trying to be myself in public. I want to wear women's jeans all the time but with whom I deal with for my job makes being stealth required for now. Even in my home town I struggle just being me in small doses. I have worn nail polish through the McD drive through a few times. I do wear my earrings all the time now. My hair is long enough to just be a disaster in every aspect. I do often wear my women's tennis shoes to town. They are a muted orange but with slightly pink/orange swooshes on the sides. The school moms all seem to know something is up. The dads mostly aren't quite sure what to think of me mostly from what I can tell.

3: dealing with work. I work in a service industry for heavy machinery. The customers I deal with are all rural. Some fit the redneck or hillbilly stereotype, some do not. Many have known me for nearly a decade off and on. Until the past few months none have seen me without a short beard short hair cut let alone earrings. While I am working I often "get" to listen to their normal conversations. While some locations the guys are more educated at others I have to just keep focused on work and not let their conversation get to me. To say their talk is demeaning to women is putting it very graciously.
The other day I had been at a work training. Went to dinner with the guys. Got to listen to one older guy jokingly telling a younger guy about how he should hit this girl at the office then just ignore her calls until the next Friday and do it again. He said " that's how I used to roll", and the older guy is active in his church and has a daughter himself. I just cannot understand cis men!  How can a guy with a daughter himself still look at women the way he does? This has always baffled me. So anyway there I am having to chuckle along with the conversation because that's what the guys all do socially while I'm feeling offended and WAY out of place just being there.    Anyway that's often my experience with groups of men. I sit there quietly and smile with the jokes, even laugh because everyone is laughing all the while wishing I could get out of there. Come to think of it, it's no wonder I have social anxiety.

[Colleen_definitely]

I really can't narrow it down to just one, I've got multiple issues. (now isn't that just the story of my life?)


1.  My girlfriend.  She's a great woman, smart, educated, tons of fun to be around, and we get along better than just about anyone I've ever been around.  I love her in that close friend sort of way.(I am seriously friend zoning?)  Sex is a chore to make her happy.  The problem is she is in love and it's obvious.  But she isn't what I truly desire.  I know that coming out is going to crush her.  While she is a nurse practitioner and is pretty familiar with situations like mine, that isn't going to blunt the emotional trauma and the thought of doing this to her is killing me.  Rock....me....hard place.
Also I moved to a small town, so if she tells anyone then everyone and their damn dog for 20 miles will know in about negative 40 seconds.  The small town gossip intelligence network is marvelously efficient and does not abide by the commonly accepted laws of physics.  I'm not quite ready for prime time but at the same time I need to get out of the "I haven't revealed this for decades, what's one more day?" mindset.

2.  Work.  But not because of my coworkers so much as the TSA.  I travel a lot for work, and I really don't want to be the next "transwoman groped and then tackled by TSA goon" plastered all over the news on a slow news day with loops of crappy security camera footage for the universe to ogle.  Some of my customers will be a bit awkward, but the majority of them are scientists and professors and tend to lean libertarian and liberal.  Some of the industrial site customers will be a problem but they will realize that they need me there.  I am their savior, because if they want their half million dollar spectrometer working in time to look at that new protein culture or to get that production line back up they better chill the hell out.  I already have full authority from the boss to walk out on abusive customers, I doubt that will change.
I know at least one of my coworkers will be at the very least seriously weirded out.  But I'm senior to him and he's bright enough to understand the "well it doesn't really make complete sense to me, but it's not hurting me either so leave it be" ideal.  And I'm working solo 90% of the time anyway so it's not like there is going to be friction in person.
(I'm also coaching him remotely while writing this helping him out with a type of system that I specialize in, so back to that whole being the savior thing...)

3.  Passing of course.  My bone structure isn't super ideal, but my facial structure isn't awful.  Big hands kind of worry me a bit but I guess I could always try for the white Lana Kane look.  It's just going to take time, work, and a whole lotta voice therapy.

4.  And then family.  I really probably am overthinking some of this one.  I'm not close to extended family at all, and never have been (baa baa black sheep.)  I am not really close to my immediate family either.  I couldn't leave fast enough when I turned 18.  I guess subconsciously I associate family with awkwardness and emotional pain.
I have zero doubts that my father will not approve, the only question is how severe of a reaction he will have.  He's very religious and seems convinced that all trans folk are just crossdressers spying on the opposite sex in the bathroom.  I think a letter explaining things might be in order.  But if he disowns me, writes me out of the will, etc... at least I won't have to deal with his estate when his time is up.  But on the flip side I am his favorite kid, and am by far the most successful of my siblings (very important to him.)  So who knows?  I am sure the initial reaction will be bad, but he may come around eventually.
I doubt my sister will be especially shocked, she always tries to drop hints that she thinks I'm gay or trans or something other than what I've been pretending to be.  I really should have a sit down with her and ask what the deal is; she may end up being the easiest one to tell.
My mother?  She'll probably be the wild card.  She'll find out through my sister for sure and might come charging down to save my soul from the lake of fire (she was always extremely religious and is currently married to a minister.)  Or this revelation might be the most joygasmous moment of her life. 

The wrinkle is that I haven't talked to her in nearly 20 years and have ZERO desire to ever again.  Long story short: towards the end of high school I figured out that nearly every single thing she had ever told me about my family, herself, and basically everything else was a lie.  She manipulated my siblings and I as weapons against my father (despite my expectations of his reaction I respect him, he worked his ass off providing for us.)  She also thrived on being pitied.  To the point of hypochondria on her end and even taking me doctor shopping for an ADD diagnosis after she saw it featured on a talk show.  It took her three tries with three different docs but she finally got me on ritalin and she couldn't wait to tell the world that her kid had something wrong in the noggin, the teasing I took at school was merciless because everyone's mothers knew and so did the kids.  It wasn't until I was about 16 that I started piecing the puzzle together.  I'm a pretty forgiving person but I cannot forgive her for what she did.  There was more but this post is starting to stretch on a bit into TMI territory. 
In the spirit of looking for silver linings: at least I don't have to worry about coming out to half of my parents.  I just hope she doesn't get a wild hair and decide to drive a few hundred miles to go "check" on me. 

Yes I understand the hypocrisy of writing somebody off for lying when I've been lying to myself and EVERYONE for basically 30 years.  I tell myself that I did it to survive while she did it because she needed to attack a man that did everything for her.  I don't know if that really makes it any less wrong but that's how I deal with it.

Jeez, over 1100 words.  I was always the kid who aced composition classes and actually got scolded for 1500 word essays instead of the required 500 and it shows. 

Thanks for letting me get this out in the open.

[AnneK]

While I don't currently have plans for a transition, it is something I've given a lot of thought to.  My concerns would be family & friends and also employment.  I also don't know how good of a woman I'd be.  I'd definitely want to be passable.  Not necessarily beautiful, but feminine looking.  I do have some experience in this from when I was into cross dressing.  I was often commented on how passable I looked and some even thought I was a woman, at least until I started talking..  I used to aim for a "plain Jane" look, as I knew trying to do too much could backfire.  I'd also be concerned about feminine mannerisms etc..  I'd need to make a lot of changes from my current masculine self, though I get the impression hormones will help with that.  I just read another thread about changes people experienced after transition and it appears hormones certainly help in the behaviour area, as well as physical.  I have also considered nullification, the complete removal of male genitals or castration.  Those would also cause some changes due to loss of male hormones.  Either way, one thing I definitely want is larger breasts.  I currently nicely fill a 38A bra, but want something more, even without any surgical transition.  Back when I was cross dressing, I tried a few different ways to fill out my bra, but nothing was really satisfactory.

One "transition" thing I have done is laser hair removal.  I've removed all the hair below my neck.  Pantyhose look terrible over leg hair!