Fear and heartbreak over losing my partner if I come out

[ColoTex2890]

I'm 27, MtF, and currently not in transition. I've tried to come out twice and last time nearly destroyed almost every meaningful relationship I have, including that with my current fiancé. I ended up taking it all back and blaming it on mental health issues, which I realize in hindsight was irresponsible and wrong but I couldn't help it. Losing him and dealing with my mother's disappointment was like the living death penalty for me. I'm currently engaged to a gay man (while presenting as male myself) but I now realize I may never stop feeling what I feel deep down. I am a woman in my heart, always have been, and I don't know how much longer I can tolerate living a lie. I've even been to therapy and almost got a letter in support of starting HRT. The one major roadblock is losing my fiancé, he's my rock, he's my best friend, and my lover. Financially he's also a major source of support. Has anyone been in a similar situation and dealt with it successfully? Please I could use any and all advice...I'm so lost and really have no idea what to do.

[Dena]

I think everyone of us faces that real or imagined. That is why it's so difficult for us to come out and start our transition. In my case, I knew at age 13 but waited until I was 23 because there was no medical system in place to handle me and I had the fear of what my family would do when they knew the truth. When I came out, I fully expected to find myself on the street on my own. It didn't work out that way and while I didn't have full support, my family was with me and never left my side.

What will happen to you, I can't say. I know you will continue to feel what you feel and and some point you will have to face it. You should prepare for the worst by trying to become self supporting and hope for the best. As far as your relationship, the sooner you can be honest with your feelings, the better chance it has of surviving but there are no guarantees that it will survive.

[MeTony]

I'm in somewhat same situation. I am married since 16 years ago. We have soon been a couple for 19 years.

We have been through better or worse together. But coming out as a man...I don't think our relationship will manage that. We have talked about gay rights and he says he is not gay but gay people can be gay, as long as they leave him alone.

I pretty much look like a guy today. He loves me very much he says. But how do I tell him I am the same person even as a man. I don't change. I am me not a stranger.

[SonadoraXVX]

Well, I postponed having a real relationship with anybody until my 42nd birthday(yes, flings here and there, but never intended to stick around), due to feeling inadequate as a man and presenting as a guy, even though I did  all the guy things, military, college, vocational schooling in macho trades, nothing helped. I ended up having a relationship with a female, who up to now, supports me and my transition. We mostly bond emotionally my girlfriend and I, due to a brutal schedule, grad school/work full time, but still we're together. I believe  my girlfriend will stay with me because I'm her rock, she has told me before, and I totally appreciate her for that and she my rock. I just hope our relationship can tolerate my transitioning further in the near future(i.e. 5 years), as I progress on hrt, ffs/bbl/liposuction and eventually srs.

We all hope to be fully embraced by our loved ones, for what we will become, our new gender and see more our heart, loyalty and love we have for our partners, then our outer shell, we feel we must become.

[Floof]

The fear of losing family, friends and partners by coming out is I believe what keeps most people from daring to come forward. These are the people we love and rely on every day, so its not surprising that we've all felt such terror when we think about revealing ourselves!

I often browse this forum with a lump in my throat reading about the awful things that people have been through, and are going through right now, in order to become the one they needed to be. I have not spoken to my mom in 9 years, not to any member of her side of the family for 7 years.. But I was so fortunate to have an incredibly supportive dad, and his side of the family have been unwavering in their love and support. It's hard to predict how people will react but when you feel what you do -what I and the others here do- you just know this is something you have to face! You need to start your journey, and hope that the people your care about will come to understand why it has to happen.

They should know that you are still you and will remain the person they love on the inside, even if your appearance becomes new and different. I should hope they value the happier and more well adjusted woman you will become, and know that you understand you ask for a lot of understanding and patience. I think a long and difficult talk is looming for your fiance and you, but it is one that needs to be had. Try to be patient and understanding of any resistance he offers, and try to make him understand how much it pains you to go on without setting things right within yourself.

Whatever may happen, best of luck on your journey and always return here for any support you may need <3.

[KathyLauren]

I feel your struggle.  The good folks here know how long it took me to come out to my wife: months.  My fear was the same: that she would leave me. 

Eventually I realized that what I was feeling would never go away, and that I could not bear the thought of going into old age still pretending to be a guy, and never getting to meet the real me.  I eventually realized that splitting up, painful as it would be, both emotionally and financially, was not the worst thing that could happen.  Not being myself would be much worse.

I was lucky: my wife is staying with me and is my biggest supporter.  I realize that not all are as fortunate.  My thought was then, and still is now, that it was a risk I had to take to be true to myself.

It takes time to get yourself mentally ready, but sooner or later, you are going to have to tell him.  You can do it.

[Kylo]

Having come out and started HRT during a relationship of 10 years it is an unknown road without streetlights I'm walking now. I didn't lose my best friend in him, or the support, so maybe you'll find that to be the case as well. But I don't know if I'll be able to call it a relationship for much longer - the closer I get to being the way I want, the further it will be from what he wants and eventually there will be no attraction from his POV.

This is not easy to deal with, the more invested you are in someone or something the harder it is to let go. If you do let go it may be the end of that world you live in. But there are countless other ones out there waiting I guess. And you never know, it may have a better outcome than you expect. It's the assumption it can't work out at all without ever trying it (both parties can be guilty of this) that ruins a perfectly good relationship for a lot of people I guess

[ColoTex2890]

Thanks for all the feedback, you all hit on the points I was feeling. I suppose it is so hard precisely because I've become so invested in him. We are engaged to be married, and yes it's basically the same as what Kylo said, the longer we're together the less attraction there would be for him. He's a gay man, and seeing me as me I don't think he could ever see me as a romantic partner after that. It's also my deep fear of leaving the world I live in, not just him but the home we live in, the friends we share, the pets would have to be divided between us. Plus there's the financial side of it, with him being the main bread winner it's very difficult for me to imagine managing the costs of transition. I suppose on some level I know things will have to come to a head eventually, but its just overwhelming trying to figure it all out.

[Dena]

There is a possibility that the is Bi sexual. He may favor gay relationships but he still could find you desirable if you transition. The only way you will know is with a serious discussion, possibly with a couples consoler. For the moment, don't try to figure the whole thing out and just work on a few problems at a time. It's easy to get overwhelm with the complexity of this because you want all the answers now.

[JoanneB]

It seems to me your fear today is different from that of many others. You already know the negative reaction from others in your life. A reaction that your fear back then perhaps fed by the lifelong feelings of shame and guilt over being trans, led to you "walking things back". "It's a phase", My meds, whatever. Pretend it never happened OK?

Except I doubt they put it out of their heads. Their thoughts and feeling have had to simmer. Just as your attempts to suppress the feelings had some time to work and now not work so well. After some 50 years of various ways of NOT dealing with being trans, I reached the point of needing to take the Trans-Beast on for real. I had some idea what my wife would think/do. She knew of my gender issues from about day 1. Just the same as I hoped, to her I was "Just a CD". A very part time one at that when I badly needed that escape from maleness. This was whole new level.... about 3 floors up with her having deep fears of me wanting to go to the penthouse.

The answer lies in answering one simple question: "Which Pain is Worse?"

I relied on the 3D's of Diversions, Distractions, and a little Denial for decades. It kind of sort of worked. Provided you don't factor in how I slowly turned into a lifeless soulless thing whose sole purpose in life was to do "What was Expected". I was a machine with no hopes, wishes, or dreams. Bar one given up long long ago after my second failed transition experiment.

Eventually the pain got to be too bad

[Janes Groove]

     It can seem overwhelming when you look at the whole taco.  It's just too big to eat.  It's like a mega Taco Grande.   Even bigger than Trump's wall.  Luckily you don't have to eat it all at once.  Small bites.  Put in back in the refrigerator until you get hungry again. Admitting it to yourself is the big one tho.  I think.  At least is was for me.  After that it all fell into place.  But then I spent 57 years convincing myself that I could take my "secret" to the grave.  Please don't follow my example.

     If you are thinking of marrying this man and holding back this information I strongly advise against it.  Shakespeare once said, "let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments."  Nowhere in the project of western literature will you find where he is attributed to have said, "let me not to the marriage of two minds where one mind is holding back a really, really big secret admit impediments."  You just won't.  If you want a preview of what that future looks like down that path look no further than some of the more frequent threads here as Susans dot org.   Here's the most recent sample:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,219701.20/topicseen.html


     Also, consider this.  You don't know for sure he will reject you, altho that is certainly a possibility that you should be prepared for.  He could surprise you and be supportive.  You are letting your mind create all kind of future scenarios that are just that.  Future scenarios. Fantasy.  Not reality.  You just never know until you come out.  I know coming out of the closet AGAIN. Sucks doesn't it. As someone who came out as openly gay in 92' I can certainly relate.  Turns out tho I walked out of one closet only to walk right into another. Life can be funny that way.

[MeTony]

I have waited 30 years. I thought I could manage to keep it a secret. But I feel uneasy and I have a man inside of me that wants to be seen. We have been a couple for 19 years. Married for 16.

See a therapist and sort things out. I wish I would have 10 years ago when I had a name for this.

It is more and more painful every year to not be allowed to be yourself.

[ColoTex2890]

It seems to me your fear today is different from that of many others. You already know the negative reaction from others in your life. A reaction that your fear back then perhaps fed by the lifelong feelings of shame and guilt over being trans, led to you "walking things back". "It's a phase", My meds, whatever. Pretend it never happened OK?

Except I doubt they put it out of their heads. Their thoughts and feeling have had to simmer. Just as your attempts to suppress the feelings had some time to work and now not work so well.

The answer lies in answering one simple question: "Which Pain is Worse?"

Well basically you summed it up perfectly, this is exactly what's happened. I know on some level he is insecure about it and I think honestly he deep down may already know that I talked my way out of it and didn't deal with the reality. Another part of my struggle with this where my fiancé is concerned is that my finances are deeply tied up with his and it's going to take some time to sort that part of it out before I discuss any of this with him. If I flat out told him I'm considering transition again he may be angry and feel I strung him along and I may be asked to leave the house quickly. And don't get me wrong I could understand if he were to feel that way but in no way ever was that my intention. I'm just going to have to work it out in therapy because really at this point I don't know which pain is worse. On one hand my life up to now has been incredibly difficult, I have hidden, deflected, and outright lied about who I feel I am deep down. I have been abused in so many different ways, suffered severe mental breakdowns multiple times in my life, and I guess now at this point it seems like I finally have managed to carve out some small happiness even if it is based on a lie (being a gay man). On the other hand I know that my being trans has contributed in no small part to the severity of the mental issues, and indirectly some of the abuse I've experienced as well, and it has caused me just a great deal of anguish overall. I suppose part of my hesitation is that, in my 27 years, time after time in so many ways the bottom has always dropped out no matter the situation so I am not confident at all that there is any sort of happiness or stability waiting for me on the other side of transitioning. I'm just deeply afraid of destroying what little happiness I've created for myself if all that I will get in return is more misery.

[JoanneB]

Well basically you summed it up perfectly, this is exactly what's happened. I know on some level he is insecure about it and I think honestly he deep down may already know that I talked my way out of it and didn't deal with the reality. Another part of my struggle with this where my fiancé is concerned is that my finances are deeply tied up with his and it's going to take some time to sort that part of it out before I discuss any of this with him. If I flat out told him I'm considering transition again he may be angry and feel I strung him along and I may be asked to leave the house quickly. And don't get me wrong I could understand if he were to feel that way but in no way ever was that my intention. I'm just going to have to work it out in therapy because really at this point I don't know which pain is worse. On one hand my life up to now has been incredibly difficult, I have hidden, deflected, and outright lied about who I feel I am deep down. I have been abused in so many different ways, suffered severe mental breakdowns multiple times in my life, and I guess now at this point it seems like I finally have managed to carve out some small happiness even if it is based on a lie (being a gay man). On the other hand I know that my being trans has contributed in no small part to the severity of the mental issues, and indirectly some of the abuse I've experienced as well, and it has caused me just a great deal of anguish overall. I suppose part of my hesitation is that, in my 27 years, time after time in so many ways the bottom has always dropped out no matter the situation so I am not confident at all that there is any sort of happiness or stability waiting for me on the other side of transitioning. I'm just deeply afraid of destroying what little happiness I've created for myself if all that I will get in return is more misery.

Eight years ago it became very clear to me that I needed to take on the Trans-Beast, for real. After much "hitting the bottom" introspection, the 40 some odd years of dancing with the beast were the root cause of all my life's total disasters as well as the constant state of depression, feeling like some lifeless, soulless Thing for about the last 20 years. All because of how I was NOT Handling being trans.  The 3D's of Diversion, Distractions & Denial work only so well and for so long it seems until you soul is rotted.

You have a 20 years of emotional baggage also corrupting your mind. It is nearly impossible to separate a lifetime of Shame, Guilt, and Internalized Transphobia from the reality of who you are. A you that you have no really good what you are from always living up to others expectations. It took me a lot of hard work between reading a ton of self help books, tossing others to the side after seeing it wasn't speaking to Me. Seeing a therapist helped a little. My best therapy came from my TG Support Group. I was totally floored my first few meetings being in a room filled with others whose life stories and feelings almost mirrored my own. By the end of the 3rd meeting I knew it was almost too late to tell my wife what was up and still stand a chance of saving the relationship.

[Charlie Nicki]

Hi ColoTex2890,

I'm in a similar situation to yours. I'm living as a gay man, feeling I'm MTF, and haven't told my boyfriend of 2 years that lives with me...It's hard. I went through this already with an ex boyfriend, came out to him, and to my mom, just to face negative reactions from both of them (which I completely understand, they weren't being "bad" it was just something very difficult for them to cope). Those reactions have prevented me from coming out to my current BF and my mom again.

This is how I feel, in a nutshell: You and I have to choose between living our lives as who we really are or staying with the person we are now. I know both things won't go together in my case cuz he's a gay man so he's exclusively attracted to other men. He would never be attracted to me as a woman and I understand that. If your boyfriend is 100% gay then it's very likely your situation will be the same. We just have to accept it and make a decision.

In my case I'm almost sure we will break up at some point and I will continue my journey. The real question is when.

[RobynD]

There is another possibility. One where the SO's sexual preference does not really change but that the emphasis on sex and attraction in the relationships is shifted elsewhere. It could shift to children, common business interests, hobbies, just general friendship and many other things.

I always caution about the assumptions about the physicality of love relationships, because lets face it, that all changes over time anyways.

[goliard]

Im so happy my girlfriend stands behind me in every way. In my case she was even a reason i now started on transitioning. But i did tell her in the begining about my feelings, in a time i didnt even thought to do it anymore (thought 27 may be too old). But i think its also a question about sexualit. As a straight man i couldnt imagine staying together with a women transitioning to a man. But I dont think i would leave in anger.

[coldHeart]

In the end I had to come out to my wife as trans just to save our marriage I had become so depressed so self hating it was destroying the pair of us, I don't know if we will both last the time together but for now its a lot better.

[DawnOday]

If you are living in Colorado there are a number of support groups that offer SOFFA programs. Significant Others Friends family and allies. They may be helpful in revealing your secret by explaining to your fiance how much pain you are in. I lost a relationship and it was very devastating but I grew from that and I am happy to say my "New" wife and I have been together 31 years. Use the Wiki above to find one in your area. Try Support Groups.

[LizK]

Hi ColoTex2890

Your post sounds like you are going to be miserable unless you can deal with this Trans stuff up front. Does your partner truly want you suffering in silence just to please him? I can't imagine if he loves you that is what he wants, do you know what his fears are and can you talk to him about it again. I don't think he will have put it completely out of his mind and I am sure he will know that you are not happy.

I hope you can work it out

Liz