Being "stared down"; How do you deal with it?

[Floof]

Hi Everyone,

So I just came from the mall and I gotta vent a bit. Was getting advice and trying on makeup with the lady in a specialist store -who was very kind and helpful btw, she gave me great advice- which I was pretty nervous about doing so not feeling super confident.. And a couple teenage girls were staring and/or stealing glances at me and giggling the whole time.. Finished buying makeup and was gona stop by some other stores, but the girls kept hanging around some distance behind me and after about 20 minutes of it I just couldn't take it anymore!

So I left. I went to my car and I drove home, I'm too conflict shy to tell them off and I don't even know what I would say if I wasnt. Usually I just ignore these things until they pass, but I have never been pursued in such a manner.. I'm sure someone else has had to deal with people like this, how did you handle it? I got really stressed and panicky and didn't know what to do with myself, I just wanted to get away. What should I have done?

Was I wearing too much makeup?.. http://i.imgur.com/JRERtc5.jpg

Thank you all for your insight <3

[MeTony]

People sometimes stare at me too. I belive it's because they are not sure what sex I am. Out of curiosity. But noone has laughed at me. I don't know what I'd done. Propably telling them off.

I have a condition called tourettes. I'm used to be looked at. One time I yelled at a guy in a bar "This is Tourettes! Feel free to be educated!" But I'd propably not say things like that sober.

[Kylo]

...if someone stares that much I stare back until they look away or grin. To be fair they're probably staring at my coat and not me, as it's huge and black. It's funny, but a big black coat does actually tend to intimidate people. You'd think they never saw one before.

If I suspected someone was following me, I'd turn around and stare them out for sure. I've got all day if someone wants to screw around so I'd see what they thought they could do from there. But I'd throw them off by looking amused at them at the same time, rather than harassed or disturbed. It would amuse me, I think. I've had all kinds of weirdos try their luck at making me uncomfortable before. I think at this point I'd enjoy a confrontation more than them.

...Not saying that's a good idea. In fact ignore my 'advice', it's terrible. 

[Wanda Jane]

I usually give a smile and wave. I either make a new friend or they become self conscious and leave. I've found that are rarely actually looking at me though. I'm just not that important. I've educated a lot of folks though.

[FTMax]

Stand your ground. You've got just as much of a right to shop as they do. It's easier said than done on some days though.

Maybe consider taking a friend next time? It's easy to gang up on someone who is alone when you are in a group. Not so much if they are also with friends.

I'd also consider stopping and taking a picture of them. Make it clear that you're not oblivious to their behavior and give them some pause, since they have no idea what you're doing or what you might do.

[Angela Drakken]

Im pretty confrontational. *aggression issues.* Ive mellowed out a fair bit, but my usual response is 'Did you lose something over here (expletive) face?'

(VERY ladylike.)

Having been a moody goth kid my whole life Im no stranger to people staring. Frankly dont care anymore tbh but I still call people out.

[Lynne]

That's a tough situation to be in, teenage girls can be cruel and it can be very hard to find the appropriate response which could solve the issue in a way that you are satisfied with the resolution.

You could tell mall security that they are harassing you but they would deny it and you may end up in a conflict with them but sometimes it's the only thing you can do.

You can ignore them until they get bored but if they are persistent this can be quite tiring if you can't ignore them completely. I guess talking to them and saying things like "Be happy that you don't have to deal with this kind of behavior..." and the like wouldn't be enough for them to realize how stupid they are behaving but it may work sometimes. Personal insults are a no-go obviously.

In the end you probably won't be able to change them but you can change how you react to them. You have to learn to ignore idiots and take it easy and just laugh at them and that's a good skill to master because there are a lot of idiots out there. You have to let go of the shame and you have to really feel that you have a place on this Earth as much as anyone and once you are confident enough you will be able to handle these kind of encounters a lot better.

[JeanetteLW]

   Too much makeup? Heck no, not in that picture. You didn't have hardly any makeup that I can see, I also want to tell you I would not have looked twice myself because all I see is another young lady. I think you look pretty good myself.
   It could have been teenage girls doing what teenage girls do when the see a rival. Find whatever they can to belittle and  be mean. Teenagers can be amazingly cruel to others for no good reason. If they see they are getting to you it signals them to continue.
   If you are confident in yourself I would suggest just ignoring them. If it unnerves you the best thing for you to do is remove yourself as you did. Confrontation probably would only have brought more unwanted attention.

  Sorry people are so cruel.
   Jeanette

[MissGendered]

Hi Floofy!!

Ugh, people, right?

Hun, I'm sorry that happened, but honestly, we can't be sure what they were thinking. not really...

Let me share a bit. I am really tall, like tallest one in the room tall, almost always. On my way back from Montréal last fall, me and my sister and her bff stopped at a rest area in Quebec, and there was a school bus load of young girls there at the rest stop, my guess is that they were pre-teens, 11-13-ish. Quebec is populated by a LOT of shorter ethnicities, mostly with brown hair and brown eyes. I had just had revision surgery on my vajajay at Dr. Brassard's hospital, so I was feeling rather 'trans-y', not the usual cis-confident woman I usually am. The moment we walked into the lobby, it felt like all heads turned my way. There were dozens of dark-haired, very short girls there, and here I am, well over a foot taller than all of them, every single one, and blonder than the summer sun. I was mortified! I mentioned the stares to my travel companions, and they both said the kids were jealous and curious about such a tall, blonde women, not to worry. Well, I did worry, but I did my best to hold it together. We went into a shop to buy snacks and beverages, and yes, a group of girls were trailing me, and I was freaking out. But, I turned to them, smiled big, and said "hello". They cracked up laughing, and I giggled, playing coy, while pretending like I get this kind of attention all the time. I don't, but there I was a spectacle. I turned to choose some drinks out of the refrigerator, and three girls came up to me, one of them looked me in the eyes when I turned around and said "I'm sorry to bother you, can I ask you a question?". I was about to pop a blood vessel, but I braced myself for the worst. I looked at her kindly, and gently said "Sure, what's up?". The girl leaned forward a little, and very sheepishly, asked "how tall are you?" I was sooo relieved, I for sure thought the question would be "are you really a man?" or at least "are you transgender?". I paced my answer to the speed of her questions, and told her my height, and then said "i am super tall, huh?". And once she had translated what I said into french and centimeters, she said "yeah, sorry to bother you", and that was that. I told her "that's okay, I am used to it, but I love being tall, now that I am older. I hated it when I was your age, though". Another girl then spoke up and said "you are very pretty" and blushed. I thanked her, and told them to have great day, turned, and walked up to the cashier. My heart was beating a mile a minute, and my sister gave me a quick sideways smile, she was beaming with pride. I actually had tears welling up as we walked out, but I kept my composure, and didn't look to see who was or wasn't looking. I was just that tall blonde lady that bought mountain dew and some cookies for the road walking out to her car.

I would be a spectacle without my history of gender-variance, so I try to frame my experiences in ways that don't exaggerate my insecurities whenever I can.

I hope you like your new makeup!

Missy

[MissGendered]

Was I wearing too much makeup?.. http://i.imgur.com/JRERtc5.jpg

Thank you all for your insight <3

Your makeup looks very nice, hun, not too much at all..

Now, the sadness on your face, no makeup will cover that, babycakes...

Trust me, you are already very pretty, and feminine. I know it is hard at first, but HRT is gonna keep taking you further and further into the 'passing' zone. We all have good and bad days on our journey, especially early into hormone treatment. But we are our own worst critics, and anything that seems to be invalidating, we magnify well beyond what is true, let alone, healthy for us.

((HUGS))

Missy

[jgravitt01]

Well teenage girls are the worst for gossip, giggles, and running in packs.
Everyone handles things differently but sometimes a compliment to them would go farther than freaking out. If one of them or all have makeup on or a nice hairstyle compliment them on it.
Sometimes it's enough to either shame them for what they may have been thinking or saying or it may lead to further conversation and education.
I just dont sweat it. Right now im sitting in my therapists waiting room with twenty or thirty people my ears have girly earrings in and im in male form..I just feel the stares but I dont care. ..hugs and you look lovely Floof!

Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk

[Floof]

Thanks everyone, I value your input <3. I will try to be braver next time.. I usually handle the stares and such pretty ok in my day to day life, but I guess already being quite uncertain about myself going in to get help with makeup -wasnt wearing any going in so she could see my true skincolor and find a matching foundation- coupled with just how persistent the girls were being.. I will make an effort to woman up and rise above it next time, I like the idea of interacting with them in a positive manner.

Now, the sadness on your face, no makeup will cover that, babycakes...

I tried to do a smile but it wouldn't really come out.

Gona try to sleep it off and hopefully have my good mood back tomorrow -midnight here-. Thanks guys and gals <3

[MissGendered]

Gona try to sleep it off and hopefully have my good mood back tomorrow -midnight here-. Thanks guys and gals <3

((HUGS))

Ni-nite, hun, sweet dreams!

Missy

[Mirya]

I usually give a smile and wave. I either make a new friend or they become self conscious and leave.

I like this suggestion and think it's a great way to handle it.  Escalating the situation by confronting them directly or by going to mall security may only make matters worse.  Of course, if you're feeling physically threatened, by all means involve the authorities, but otherwise a friendly smile and wave is often enough to diffuse the tension.

[Dena]

You might try to get close enough for them to hear you and then say "you seem very shy, is there something I can help you with?". That will either break the ice or put them in their place depending on what their motivation was.

[patrick1967]

You look great, my dear, and I would never have clocked you by appearance alone. Teenage girls can be a giggly bunch with few manners and less tact sometimes. Me, I just turn around and ask if I can help them with something, but when we are not feeling our best or conscious about our looks it can bw difficult. The best thing to remember is that you are only responsible to you, no one else

[TigerLilyNYC]

It's been hard for
Me to block out that noise. I've tried confronting them and saying 'it's not polite to stare' or I  get sarcastic and say 'thank you for staring.' In the end ignoring them works best for me. When I engage with them I feel that I lower myself to their level.

[JoanneB]

During my 2 utter fail transition experiments in my early 20's I have to say teenage girls are THE WORSE. Absolutely no filters and no fear of retribution (physical/verbal) because they are... girls

Rule #1 when stared at... avoid looking or otherwise paying attention to it. Especially with guys since... they are guys and just looking at them means you want to bed them.  Women... they hate your guts or love your look... likely both.

Hint #1 returning stares, staring down.... Aggressive & male. Hint #2  being aggressive invites..... the same. Hint #3, let the idiot girls who know nothing about life, much less being women, make idiots of themselves. Be confident in who you are, inside and out. A good 50% or more GG's will not pass the bar we set for ourselves.

[TransAm]

So... I'm pretty sure they were just being typical little catty teen girls.

During my 2 utter fail transition experiments in my early 20's I have to say teenage girls are THE WORSE. Absolutely no filters and no fear of retribution (physical/verbal) because they are... girls

^ That perfectly hits the nail on the head. I also guarantee you that if either of them had been alone, they wouldn't have said/done a single thing.
I will say this right now: You look absolutely cisgender to me and you're quite pretty. I clicked on your link, stared for a minute and was ultimately unable to find a single feature that I could peg as remotely male. There's no way they were staring at you because they thought you were trans.

Look, girls find really, really petty things to verbally stab one another over. If anything, they were more than likely gossiping about how 'heinous' it was that you're so bad at makeup that you had to have it done at the mall. Because teen girls are just that vapid.
They proceeded to follow you around then because you didn't confront them, you were alone and they saw you as easy pickings. They were more than likely fueling one another (because teen girls also don't do almost anything independently) even though both were obviously too chicken **** to actually do anything.

By and large, they tend to be super cliquey, shallow, verbally abusive, fickle and self-absorbed. That may sound harsh, but it's true more often than not. You just happened to have an unfortunate run-in with two of the lowest common denominators.

Anyway, I'm sorry you had a crap experience, but keep your chin up.
There are people in this world that would resurrect Mother Teresa just to punch her in the face, so there's no way any of us can live our lives in a manner that would raise us high enough to be beyond criticism, pettiness or cruelty.

[Cindy]

Hi Hon,

I had am almost identical experience early in my transition. I was buying some heels for a wedding and I was in a major store. The staff where fine and courteous but a 4 pack of teen girls started to follow me around. I noticed, of course, and quietly said to the woman helping me with shoes "This is the sort of rubbish we have to put up with". She looked and noted them and just replied "I will deal with them" She called over another worker and gave a very brief explanation of a pack of silly girls pestering me and she contacted security who talked to them in regards to being potential shoplifters and scared the living bejeezes  out of them.

I have never seen them again!

Now smile, practice in front of the mirror a nice big smile. When you go out keep that smile on your face all of the time. You will notice that other women will automatically smile back at you. Some will give a little nod and a smile. This is what women do to each other, it is recognition of a nice safe person.

Cindy