Pronouns ~ Correcting my friends.

[clouds301199]

hi everyone! so I'm transgender, MtF and I'm struggling a little with pronouns. whenever one of my friends use the wrong pronouns, I often feel annoying for correcting them? I know correcting them is the only way to get them to remember, but I feel annoying or something when I correct them. any help?

[MissGendered]

Ahh, I remember well how frustrating the mis-gendering thing was, ugh!

Unfortunately, getting friends to get the pronouns right did take some time, more time for some than others!

My advice is to be patient, but firm, and to try to remember that people knew us one way for a long time, and when they are remembering stuff, in their minds, and sometimes even our own, we see a picture of the person as we believed them/ourselves to be, and our words reflect that reality.

I do know it became much easier when I went full-time and my appearance reflected my true gender, but even then, people still slipped up in conversation. I was passing everywhere, and in one instance in particular, a friend kept telling a waitress that 'he' wanted more tea, lol, and she would look at my friend like she was crazy, and I felt outed and vulnerable, but I learned to just play that it cool.

So, yeah, there are a lot of reasons people might slip up, but we are all human, so be patient, and calm, no matter how many times they slip, they will eventually get it right. If they are really our friends, they will be trying the best they can.

When people we know mis-geneder us for passive-aggressive reasons, well, that is a whole 'nuther topic, ugh!

Hope this helps.

Missy

[somewhat]

I think you should definitely correct them, even if it's annoying. Ultimately it's more annoying for you to be misgendered (I assume). But either way, according to my experience if you stop correcting, they will also stop making an effort. They need to be constantly reminded until they remember by themselves...

[lc100]

I saw some great advice on here recently about this issue. Check out this topic: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,219116.msg1940027.html#msg1940027
EDIT: I think you started that topic too, actually. Oops. But I agree with the advice on being humorous about it.

But unfortunately, as MissGendered said, it's a lot easier once you pass (assuming you don't, I apologize if you do). I don't even pass yet, so if you don't either, hey! We're in the same boat. Most of my close friends are chill with it, though. I always feel annoying as well, but my friends are the type to be super awkward about it if they mess up. It gets comical, but I really do appreciate the effort.

Anyway, good luck with your friends.

[KarynMcD]

I usually let it go, unless it's something dumb, like "doesn't he look pretty" or "isn't his dress beautiful", then I give them a flick with my finger.

[Christine1]

I usually let it go, unless it's something dumb, like "doesn't he look pretty" or "isn't his dress beautiful", then I give them a flick with my finger.

Love it KarynMcD

[Christine1]

I know I will have to cut some a little slack when I get there. Especially family and some co-workers. That will only go so far! Then the finger will come out. Lol

[Mariah]

It really comes down to what you need to do for you. If it helps to correct them, then please do correct them. I corrected them and would even now in a heartbeat. In time you will come to a point where you will find a balance of when and when not to correct someone. The real big key is coming to terms with it and those around us getting used to the correct name and pronouns. It's a process an just takes time. Hugs
Mariah

[TransAm]

I chose to have an open narrative because I wanted people to get used to the new pronouns and such prior to undergoing any physical changes. I know a lot of people seem to do the opposite (starting HRT/etc. and then coming out later), but I knew that wasn't going to work for me.

It was a struggle. Not because my friends and family were unaccepting--quite the opposite, actually--but because they were conditioned to do the opposite of what I was asking. There were many times that they'd say the incorrect pronoun, pause and then just look ashamed. After having watched their self-deprecating reactions over the course of a couple weeks, I realized it was pointless to correct them. Eventually it all came around (the physical changes from T and surgery helped exponentially, of course) and now there aren't any issues.

I'd like to think *most* people realize when they've messed up a pronoun. There will always be some that will do it intentionally, of course, but I'm going to set those people aside for a second.

There were two different primary reactions I noticed when someone would make a mistake:

1. Incorrect pronoun followed by a slight droop in stature/pained expression with no verbal output.
2. Incorrect pronoun followed by a ridiculously loud, grandiose verbal apology "Oh my god! I don't know why I keep doing that, geeze! I'm so sorry! He, he, he, he... godddd!"

Both types got it. They were just struggling to fix old habits.
If someone is intentionally misgendering you, even after being corrected or spoken to multiple times, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship with that individual. Otherwise, I think people are typically well-meaning, as hard as it may be to not flinch when mistakes inevitably are made.