Anxiety on moving forward

[FuschiaLipstick]

Hey all so recently I feel very anxious about moving forward with permanent changes such as name etc and even buying female clothes I always bought make up etc so that isn't an issue... I also avoid doing things that may cause me to question my decision to transition I don't go outside much at all... I tell my gender psychiatrist that I do but I don't... I need some advice on this iv went back and forth beingtrans for years now I'm 20 I even bashed being trans and laughed saying I can't believe I ever thought I was that I think I believed it at the time so how will I know this time is right ? I'm pre hrt also

[Denise]

IMHO - that's healthy to question yourself with this. 

One thing that I discovered is I felt less "I must transition" when I was Denise and during the longer stretches when I was Dan the drive was heightened.

Basically the closer to Denise I became the less important it becomes but as I drift away the dysphoria/desire returns. 

I liken it to wanting boobs.  My whole life (since I was 15, I'm 55 now) I felt incomplete without them.  Now that they are growing the desire/want/craving/... is lessened. 

Is it possible that simple changes for you are enough to dispel the dysphoria?  Maybe a full transition isn't necessary.  Think about only going as far as make-up and maybe female underwear.  It kept my monsters at bay for a while until I found it wasn't enough.

Baby steps.

[Katy]

There are far more knowledgeable and experienced voices here than me, but out of concern for you I will venture an opinion.  Based upon what you have written, I don't think you are ready for any major steps like name change, etc.  Be patient with yourself.  Make haste slowly.  You have taken a positive step in seeking the counsel of a gender therapist.  Well done!  Let that process unfold.  Be completely open and honest with your counselor even in little things like whether you are going out en femme.  As you explore the nuts and bolts of who you are with your therapist, it is likely the way forward will become clear.  All the best. 

[SailorMars1994]

Hey all so recently I feel very anxious about moving forward with permanent changes such as name etc and even buying female clothes I always bought make up etc so that isn't an issue... I also avoid doing things that may cause me to question my decision to transition I don't go outside much at all... I tell my gender psychiatrist that I do but I don't... I need some advice on this iv went back and forth beingtrans for years now I'm 20 I even bashed being trans and laughed saying I can't believe I ever thought I was that I think I believed it at the time so how will I know this time is right ? I'm pre hrt also

All these things are big steps. I have yet to change my name legally but most people either call me Ash or Ashley as i like it. Buying clothing was intresting, when i did it for the first times in 2014 it was like a huge high and adreniline rush, i was like ''omg omg omg i am doing this !!!''.  It is normal to qustion yourself, and perhaps you may need to do even more soul searching. These are BIG but amazing things. One last thing, in regards to telling your gender psychiatrist things, tell him everything that is full  truth. Never a partial truth or a flat out lie. It will only complicate your journey.

Hugs- Ashley

[ds1987]

Hi there.  First, please know that you are not alone in this.  The thoughts and emotions can combat each other in your head and really make a mess for you when it starts boiling over.  Seeing a therapist is a big help, as I understand how confusing and even frightening things can get.

All of this is good, even feeling confused or scared.  This process is far too big to NOT feel this way, so it's absolutely healthy to be where you're at.  I'm 30, and have been learning that if I am truly supposed to be Victoria, at any level, then it will not only take time, but will require my not forcing any bit of it in the meantime.

My bit of advice for this post is to find things about yourself that you like or even love, that do not relate to your transition.  It could be your humor, or creativity, it could be independence or intelligence.  Whatever elements you choose, write them down, or at least keep yourself conscious of them.  Transitioning is becoming who you are, matching the pieces you have with what's been missing.  Knowing which pieces you already have will not only help you to move forward, but allow you to appreciate every aspect of who you already are.

Much love
Victoria