Getting more sure about this.

[MeTony]

I'm getting more and more sure about this. When I was a kid I used to call myself Jani, I tucked my long hair into my cap and was a boy. It's a Finnish boy's name. Later in my teens I called myself Max when I was online. Toni got stuck in my head when I found out the word transgender. Maybe I'll change it to Tony. Toni i both female and male. Tony is male.

It is exciting to remember how my childhood was. I have hated it, I did not want to remember. I got depressed and suicidal when I was 10 because I was transgender. I had no name for it. I just felt I was different.

In school I was always with the boys. Playing soccer, weight lifting, playing hide and seek. In sports class they did not mix girls and boys. It was all the boys and me who got to do all the fun stuff, the girls did not play Rugby, floor ball, soccer, wrestling and so on.

When we danced in school I was still a boy, I danced with the girls and learned how to lead the dance.

I want to believe I had a very open minded teacher. That she saw and understood what I had no words for.

It is great to reflect over passed times to get to know myself.

[Floof]

The 'having no name for it' thing is pretty hard, cause you feel so alone when you don't understand those feelings and the fact that you are not alone in having them. I don't know how they do it in other countries, but in Norway when I was in school transgenders were not talked about. We touched on homosexuality and all that, but never any part of the trans umbrella -and this isn't all that long ago I'm only 25! Can only hope they now do teach the kids about it, so that people like us growing up right now will understand who and what they are sooner..

Got a bit sidetracked! I want to say it makes me happy you are really starting to sort things out, and doing the therapy thing to make the whole situation and where to go next clear to yourself. It must be interesting to dive into your past like that and see all the 'signs'.. More like giant Billboards in your case!

Keep going strong  Toni! .. Random side note, I know a Swedish/Finnish guy with that name .. Now two!

[josie76]

I'm also happy for you that you are feeling this out and you are finding yourself.

The unnamed feeling of just knowing somehow you are different is a very real memory of mine as well. I totally understand the not wanting to remember those feelings you had as a kid but now they start to make such sense. It does start to become reassuring that you have found your right path.

When I was in school the education system didn't even talk about homosexuality let alone the concept of transgender. The boys themselves would constantly rib on each other about being homo. Anything you did that was not fitting into maleness would get you made fun of if even just for a few minutes. I can completely relate to hating your childhood. At least we have the chance to find our true selves now. Keep searching, in the end I believe is some personal happiness awaiting. 

[MeTony]

Thank you. I am almost 40. There was no talk about homosexuality in school. And even less about being transgender. All we got to learn was how babies are done. And that was in 9'th grade. (We were 15 years old)
There was no internet. I knew "trans" from obvious dragqueens or or dragkings.

I did not identify with them. I just wanted to be a normal boy.

I did not wear a bathing suit in swimming class. I had shorts. My swim teacher and I got in arguments a lot because I was not the typical girl. And did not behave like a girl.

There are many "billboards" pointing me in the right direction. But I tried to be blind. I am blind no more.

[Floof]

We all tried so hard to blind ourselves, do anything to avoid seing and admiting who we are. Makes me sad you and others have gone so long, makes me happy that you now see yourself truthfully and act on what you see.

[Janes Groove]

I did the same thing after I came out of the closet.  I started to review all my past memories thru the lens of my newly accepted transgender identity.  I went back and saw everything in a new light.  For example, when I was in college my nickname was "junior."   It was given to me by my big, macho, alpha male roommate in the dorms my freshman year.  His name was Drew and believe me, he was quite the impressive male specimen.  It followed me for the next 4 years.  It really stuck.  I never really liked it at the time, but accepted it in a good-natured way.  Now looking back I can see that it was all the other males looking a me, taking my measure, and determining that I wasn't really like them.  That I was something less.  It was their way of emasculating me. Pure and simple.  I guess a "real man" would have kicked ass and taken names. But how could I?  In my heart of hearts, I could never deny it.  I'm not a man.

[Rambler]

The same thing happened to me when I came out. I started reaching deep into my memories and seeing all of the clues about my identity that have been there since as early as I can remember. All of the time I spent wondering why I never felt like I fit in and that feeling of just being wrong. The many instances where I wondered what it would be like to be a girl as a child, the innumerable shooting stars, eyelashes, and 11:11s I wished on that I could experience it just once or to be able to switch between genders. The one memory that really sticks out in my mind was when I was probably around 12 or so, the first time I ever saw a transgender woman and found out that we existed. It was some talk show where a transwoman and her wife were interviews about their story, her coming out and transitioning, and staying together because they loved each other even tho the wife was no longer attracted to her anymore. I remember this feeling of worry that seems to be recurrent in my memories, along with thinking in the most sincere of ways possible, "I hope that never happens to me." Fast forward about a decade and a half and here I am, married (albeit to someone who I believe is far more receptive to my true identity) with a daughter and working on another as I delve into my own transition. When I reach back into my memories, I see how painfully obvious it was. I realize how early in my life I knew that I should have been born a woman and how hard I fought to hide that fact from myself for so long. Isn't it amazing to finally be on the right path? Now that I know where I'm going, I feel more ready than ever to confront the challenges ahead of me as I progress.

[MeTony]

Thank you. I need to hear your stories. It makes me feel like I belong here and that I am finally walking the right path in life.