Greatly Increased Genital Dysphoria 1 year into HRT

[BeerBurpGirl]

So one thing I've noticed in myself that I didn't expect and have never heard anyone talk about is that my genital dysphoria was very small before HRT. I really had no plans to pursue GRS ever but now I've found (1 year into HRT) that I have a lot of dysphoria about using my penis to penetrate. I've had 4 bio kids so that should be proof of it to some extent that the dysphoria was minimal. But now I've noticed HRT seems to have changed my senses around that part of my body. Using it feels different now. In fact it doesn't really even feel like it's mine anymore like as though it's just this wrong body part that is attached to me. When I analyze my experience pre-transition I realize that I've spent considerable amount of time inverting my penis in order to masturbate. I didn't always do this, but perhaps a good 10% of total masturbation time, even pre-masturbation age I would do this occasionally. I guess I'm just second guessing myself because 1. I've always assumed that I would never want anyone to touch it at all if I had genital dysphoria severe enough to warrant getting GRS. 2. The surgery is really scary. 3. My wife will probably leave me. She's made it pretty clear that she is no OK with that part of transition for her to stay in the relationship.

[Janes Groove]

It's weird how that works isn't it?  I guess I have always, on some level, thought of SRS as something that was really, really extreme.  But the more I travel on this journey, it seems less and less so and more and more reasonable.  Almost. Dare I say it. Normal. Inevitable even.

I knew before I started HRT that many people warned that the results are unpredictable.  It's one thing knowing that on a theoretical level.  Entirely different experiencing it first hand.

[Shy]

In fact it doesn't really even feel like it's mine anymore like as though it's just this wrong body part that is attached to me.

I haven't started HRT yet, but this is how I've felt for much of my life, although it first became blatantly obvious when I married.
I couldn't pleasure my wife, everything felt wrong, back-to-front, almost like we were in a lesbian relationship and neither of us were lesbian. Sadly we had to separate on ground of incompatibility.
But all relationships are different, as is everyone's relationship with their own bodies. I knew really quickly, and at the time, painfully that I could never have another partner the way I was, so I just hid from the world for the next 20 years.

[Floof]

I can very much relate to feeling it doesn't belong, though I've never been comfortable with it myself. It is the biggest source of pain and anguish for me.. Even in my past relationships I have never been able to involve my own genitals during sex stuff, I just can't bring myself to do it! It feels so absolutely wrong and kills the mood for me instantly, I just feel sad and broken right away.

One past relationship was really pushy about involving it, even though I had explained I really didn't want that.. I didn't buckle, but even though we were in bed together I felt sort of violated and wounded that my wishes were not respected..

Absolutely cannot wait to get my nether regions sorted, but I hope my hatred for it doesn't increase much with HRT cause I don't think I could stand any more despair in that regard!

[SadieBlake]

I would rethink see of those assumptions.

I can relate to increased dysphoria on hrt, tho for me it was almost immediate and somewhere in the 6-9 months point we got to a truce. I had hardly ever been able to image myself as having a vagina during sex and so while I needed to cover my masculinity with lingerie to feel ok for sex pre HRT, I would focus on my partner's pleasure and that would take my mind off of me and allow sex to happen.

The truce has been I'm now fully projecting myself into how sex will be post GCS and allowing myself to give my gf pleasure again. The difference is that I can no longer ignore having an entire body that wants to be involved. Knowing sex change is coming soon is what gets me past still having the wrong hardware for the nonce.

[BeerBurpGirl]

Thanks for the feedback everyone! I can see this is going to be about finding ways to cope and compromise for now and a great opportunity for me to focus on her, which she really deserves at this point given her love and commitment to help get me to this far in my transition. If anyone has additional coping tips I'd love to hear them.

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