confused

[dancingallalone]

Hey all,

First of all, I think you are all courageous, and this message comes with no ill intent. It comes from someone who has been confused for almost a year watching the love of my life transform into someone so different than the person I ever knew. So many of you have helped me in the past during my times of confusion and struggle. Although I try to keep moving forward with my life I still question  reality every day and what I ever thought was real.

Im a cis woman who had found my soulmate, who came out to me as a trans woman.  Even though we weren't married, as I know many of you might be, I loved this other human being so much that I wanted to stay with her no matter what. I loved her for her soul.. not her body.  I didn't have a problem with the sexuality part, as l am very open... Nevertheless.. that person left me in a very cruel way and without ever offering me any answers.  Its been hard for me all this time, and I even though Ive tried to keep moving forward with my life, I haven't wanted to date or see anyone because I truly feel like I lost the person i was meant to spend my life with.

What I have seen of her now leaves me seeing nothing of the person I knew. Her values, the things she loved, her political opinions, her definition of beauty- none of them are the same.  She has destroyed her best friendships in her life and now judges people completely on their esthetic appearance and weight. Even though before she was attracted to heavy women and women with curves, and while living as a male never commented negatively about other people's bodies.  Her friends, although trying to support her, eventually had to quit being friends with her because she was so absorbed with herself and tried to blackmail them against each other. She constantly judged their bodies and their weight.  It is all just so opposite of the person I knew.

It has only been not even a year since she came out to me... let alone transitioned in any way.  Yet, she has had multiple surgeries... and Even more than one breast augmentation... she already was very passable before.  She used to be so careful with her money and now apparently is so far in debt from all of this. I think she may even want to be in porn, as she told me she wanted to be a "->-bleeped-<-" and seems to idolize "bimbo" fetish women and pornstars (yes, I think that is offensive as well).  So many trans women I have spoken with me talk about how they have always felt like women, and it wasn't just about surgery/ superficial things, and that they hadnt changed who they were, they just lived their truth more outwardly.  Every health professional, even trans specialists have told me that this person is dealing with serious mental issues that extend way beyond being trans.  Even though everyone tells me these things, I can't help but wonder if the person I loved is still in there somewhere.  I also understand that people all transition at different speeds so please don't jump on me for that.  For me what I am trying to explain is that for her being a "woman" seems to be about being a sexualized barbie doll. I don't think thats what being a woman is truly about, and I worry about her everyday.

A mentor of mine recently told me to read an article that had been in our city newspaper about couples that stay together when someone transitions.... the common theme in them was that although some things changed, especially in appearance, and some interests of the other gender, that the person inside, their emotions, their personalities, their humor, their love... none of that changed.  Their gender changed, but their persona didn't.  I fully recognize that gender is separate than biological sex, and that our society has created it.  But it astounds me that someone could change their morals, their values, and their treatment of friends and family because they were "trans".

I guess I was wondering if any of you could share your experiences with transition and what aspects of yourself have changed.  Do you still have the same core values and beliefs? Do you still have the same since of humor? Do you still treat others in a caring way?   I feel like values of a person don't just change overnight...

Anyway, I really appreciate any of your stories, as they help me in some strange way. Some of you may remember me from before if you think about it hard enough. I have been really scared to post for a long time because of legal things she brought against me trying to hurt me.  Even though I can talk to her now legally, I don't because I don't want her to hurt me more than she has.  But I still hurt everyday with confusion... love to all of you

[Michelle_P]

Welcome, or welcome back to Susan's.  We have an area devoted to Significant Others that you might find of interest in looking for support.

I really don't know what to make of your former soulmate.  I have seen people transition with very little impact on their personality, and I have seen a couple of folks whose transition seemed to release an entirely new personality, which seems pretty unusual, but might be part of your experience.

Losing someone we love, seeing the personality you loved swamped with such tremendous changes, is a pretty rough thing to go through.  Something like grief counseleing might be appropriate to assist in processing a change like this.

I hope that Susan's Place can provide some aid or comfort to you.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to go through them.

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Most of us including me maintained the same basic values that we held before transitioning. There are a few like your SO who have discarded the past and set out in a new direction. You will find some of these discussions in the SO section of the site.

Personally I knew at age 13 and before I was out of my teens, I knew I had to fix myself before entering a relationship with another. I remained true to my promise and I continue to take the view that anyone I become involved with will be aware of my past because we are equally partners which means no secrets. Like the other on the board, professionally I am employed more or less as I would be had I not transitioned and I have the full trust of my employers.

I am sorry that this happened to you because accepting partners are sometimes difficult to come by and should always be treasured. If there is anything I can help you with, let me know.

[Janes Groove]

I'm sorry this all happened to you.  I know that, speaking as a woman, if all this happened to me, I would feel devastated.  I especially hate it when others try to body shame us.  Or shame us in any way for that matter. 

It's weird that her values and politics changed tho.  For me they changed not one iota. My values are the same. My political views? Well they are even more passionate than they were before.  Could it be that she was just deceiving you about all that too before you got together?

[Jill E]

I'm so sorry for your experience. It sounds like you've had to endure quite a bit, some of it forced and some of it I assume as a display of your love for her.

My marriage fell apart because of transitioning. We both understood we were still in love with the same soul/person, but in the end she couldn't find she could be with another woman. We separated a couple years ago and remained as best friends (and even legally married) until she passed away last year. This doesn't really have a part in what I'll share, but she's worth bringing up as I would not be the person I am today if it weren't for her.

Having her as a support made me a better person. Had it not been for her, I also would have suffered more so from body dysmorphia. I struggled with it for some time after starting transitioning; for me, there was an almost crippling fear of being seen as anything short of a woman. I even obsessed a bit for some time. Her reassurances were key to moving past it. Eventually I didn't care so much whether or not I passed completely to everyone, I just learned to be comfortable with being me.

My political beliefs shifted, but in hindsight transitioning opened my eyes to what was going on around me.

I did consider camming for a while as a means of making money for surgeries. I never actually did this. I probably would have had it not been for my loved ones flat out telling me they didn't want me to and that it made them uncomfortable. In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't. I do see it a bit differently now (my view has changed since first transitioning). I see it as empowering, but at the same time I don't want to be diminished to somebody's fetish. I know I'm worth more than that.

I definitely have the same, weird sense of humor. Other parts of my sense of of humor have changed a bit, but for the better. I'm not nearly as dry or cynical. I think having that type of sense of humor was a sort of self defense mechanism (I'm speaking of my experience only, ofc).

I think I'm much more caring now, but I think that's somewhat due to being a mom (my partner has a child). However, transitioning definitely softened me. I used to be an a*****e, I used to be selfish to the point of putting my wants above my partners needs; I was very honestly and truly a terrible person. I don't know if my actions previously were a means of lashing out or trying to make due with my pain, but they were inexcusable and I wish I could take so much of my life back.

Now, my partner and our little one are my life. I can't imagine neglecting either and I don't think I could ever face knowing that I've let them down.

My growth wasn't by any means overnight; it's been about 4 years in the making. I strongly suspect your loved one needs counseling. Please don't take this upon yourself to do in the future, with anyone. It shouldn't be your job to help others learn to deal with their sh*t. It sounds like you're still trying to work through how she's hurt you. It might be worth seeing someone as well. A therapist you're seeing in person is going to be much more equipped to help you work through your feelings than we'll ever be able to. (: I not saying you're in any way to blame; it just may be easier to work through your feeling if you had someone to talk to who can be a neutral third-party. Losing a loved one is extremely difficult, whether they've passed away of changed to the point of being unrecognizable.

Sorry to go on and on, but I hope it helps.. maybe a little. I'm sorry again for what you've been put through. I can't imagine it's been a pleasant experience.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[josie76]

It's aweful that your person has changed so much and pulled so far away from you.

As I came open to myself the one big change was just letting my emotional self come to the surface. I have always been very emotional deep down but learned long ago how to turn my mind away from those emotions the instant they surfaced slightly. For my wife it was very different. She did not use to see me as an emotional being. To her a man was somehow very different. In the last couple of months she has learned how much of a woman I am inside. Once in a heated argument we were having early on she called me a "he-she". I quite uncontrollably burst out in tears. I think right then she realized who I really am.

Politically, I'm leaning more left. I try to see both sides but I always was more conservative. Please do not confuse conservative with rightist. However I see change sometimes needs to happen quicker than some are prepared for.

I really don't know what to think about your person. It seems like she has latent psychological issues or perhaps personality issues. I really couldn't guess. I wonder if she had some history of abuse of some kind?

For me, transitioning is about just being able to be myself, not some construct of being everyone else's expectations. I'm certainly not a different person but I am now letting my real self be seen by others. The one thing that I was most taken aback by was the idea that I could actually decide what things I like. So many things were no longer taboo. For instance I found I really like the color purple and all its variant shades. I'm trying to figure out what I really want to do for a living when I grow up. Lol but really I can't sleep doing my current heavy work for too much longer. But now I can choose to apply for non "manly" jobs since I am no longer trying to hide.

[Floof]

That sounds so very dramatic and strange, and she seems to be completely self destructing! Alienating her friends, racking up debt and apparently violently turning away from any part of her previous self. I can't imagine what must be going on in her mind, and its awful that you seem to have lost the person inside.

I have become a lot more in touch with my emotions, or at least got better at understanding and expressing them! Otherwise I still have the same terrible sense of humor and crack the same awful jokes with the same group of friends. I have the same political leaning as before, I enjoy the same hobbies and have the same basic personality, I love the same people..

I don't have any advice to offer, I do not understand what is happening with her. I can only wish you all the best, and hope that you at least in time can find someone new to make you happy should she never return to be the one you love.

[kaitylynn]

When I began transitioning medically the first time, I met a lot of sisters and we were all in about the same place in life.  We had a decided group who started HRT within a few months of each other.  I did not think too much would change for me and I figured I would probably be pretty much the same person...and that bore itself for the most part.  If anything, I became more connected with my friends and more nurturing towards everyone I met.

That was not the case for all of us.  Some turned nasty...like complete change of approach and behavior with regards to others and eventually I had to step back and let them go.  I had considered a few to be really close friends even, but I could not really understand or take the shift they had made.  They changed completely.

I eventually stopped my HRT and shifted back into a more androgynous role for a few decades until actively working on medically transitioning this time around.  Stepping back into 'the community', I find myself being cautious to check my state as things move forward.  I still have friendships that are active and decades long now and while I have physically have changed a lot, it ia almost unanimous that I am still the same core person I was.

Chemically altering our our persons with HRT is going to have some effect, no way to avoid it.  There is no way to know what will be the long term outcome until a long time has passed.  I hear your question and only a question arises, willingness to wait and see...and how long a wait if things do not better align with the desired use of your life's energies.

[Jacqueline]

Welcome to the site.

I hope you are able to get some support and understanding here.

I had pm'd you about your account. Just let me know.

I hope your life gets easier.

With warmth,

Joanna