Quote from: Rachael on January 16, 2008, 03:11:15 AM
oh the same... i WANT to love, i WANT to open up to people, but after telling my family my darkest secret, those who are meant to love you nomatter what, my blood, abandoned me.... I dated a guy for 3 months, we were going to have sex, i came out to him, he dumped me and i never saw him again. Oh im Happy with my life, but im damaged goods as far as love goes. heh, at least before i couldnt love, now i desperately need to, but wont let myself.
R 
I can't really argue with you on this one - A big part of accepting my transsexuality was basically accepting that, no matter what I do to make people love me, they'd probably abandon me once they found out. I'm at the point where I've accepted that I'll probably be alone for the rest of my life.
Which sucks, but it has been a positive thing in other ways. I spent most of the last 29 years trying to "buy" people's love and acceptance by being straight A, good at everything, etc. etc. Perfect child, perfect husband (yeah, married for a year!), perfect everything. No matter how much you do to please others though, it's a bum deal, because they can take that hard-bought love away again just like that. I've realised the only love worth buying is my own, so now I try, as far as is financially and practically feasable, to do what pleases me instead of others.
Hypocrite that I am though, I've only come out to a small group of people, though I've basically doubled that in the last two weeks, so progress, and I'm telling pretty-much one person a week. Mostly negative, a few undecided, but at this point I'm not bothered either way. If the connection is meant to remain, it will remain.
It's probably going to sound harsh, but we are born alone and we die alone. Connections to other people can be intense, valuable, wonderful, but they are temporary, even if they last a lifetime. So the decision I've come to is to not close myself off to it - the fact that somebody might reject me for a part of who I am doesn't negate the connection we shared and what I gained from it. My wife and I divorced ... badly, but I would not change a thing about the relationship because it was a time of enormous growth for me, and in many ways a catalyst towards me accepting my GID. The two of us started talking again a few months ago, and I told her - I felt it only fair, because us crashing had a lot to do with my issues. She's been one of the few people to accept it and we're getting, slowly, back to a point of friendship. Which was an absolute surprise, because we REALLY hurt each other.
Love and friendship and stuff can surprise us, but only if we take the risk of getting hurt by it.
