Hello, starting to come out

[Daniellekai]

I've been hiding the fact that I wouldn't mind being female for around two decades, currently 32, and balancing on a knifes edge of either a full transition, or never transition. I'm the type that doesn't like to do things half way, and once I've made this decision I'll never detransition (having taken classes in psychology I realize I just slipped what the decision is going to be, but I'm leaving it in, lol).  What I mean is I intend this decision to be permanent when I do finally make it, been dipping my toes in for too long, started growing my hair out and basically exercising parts of my body that'll make me look more female if they get disproportionally toned. Glutes, thighs, waist, avoiding your body at all costs, essentially trying to use testosterone against itself. I'm quite overweight, medically obese in fact, but pretty average for an American, losing weight now that I'm trying to make a decision here, mainly because while male me doesn't care if he's fat, female me will not allow herself to be. In fact I care a whole lot more about appearance if I'm female, but in the healthy way, as male the way I don't care at all is clearly toxic.

So that's where I am now, a bit about history... When I was much younger, and had basically none of the mental filters I do now I was always trying to play with my sister's toys, my best friend was the girl next door, and I can remember being picked on in school for "being a girl", this of course led me to construct tons of walls and filters to reduce being picked on, but now looking back they probably just saw something I didn't. As I altered my behavior that way it of course eroded my relationship with my friend, and slowly made me depressed, although I didn't realize the damage being done at the time. Given these facts, I believe that in my core I'm just a more feminine person...
After typing out a long paragraph about how I don't think I have physical dysphoria, and it's all for social reasons I've realized that I do have some degree of physical as well, it just doesn't match up well to the description I usually hear, that they look in the mirror and feel disgusted, for me it's more like something is just a little off. I don't look and say that should be a girl, it's more like "was my face always like that?"

[Dena]

While you hear the most about body dysphoria, there is social dysphoria and that's what I had. People experience dysphoria differently and in my case, I had it bad. Others may be able to by more time but unfortunately dysphoria builds to the point that almost all of us have to do something about it. I see nothing in your post that indicates you are out of the normal and as always, the decision as to what to do about it is up to you.

[V M]

Hi Danielle 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[chemistrygal]

Hi Daniellekai!

Congrats on your journey.  We sure have lots of courageous individuals here,...just amazing.  And your story is absolutely one that I can personally related to.  17 months ago, I weighed 335+ lbs.  Today, I weigh 180 lbs. 

I'd like to share my new diet with you, but I'm not certain that it's appropriate for this website.  I am not a physician.  All it is really is throwing out all the junk and eating healthier.  But it's what I replaced my diet with that was the trick to the whole thing.  My doctor was flabbergasted.  It was rather funny,...he was so busy making up charts and grafts to show me what I'd done he could hardly contain himself.

If the overseers of these postings say it's ok to share my new diet with you, then I'll do it. 

I've been where you are.  I spent my life struggling to lose weight, but could never do it.  I should probably write a book, but I'd really just like to help others such as ourselves. 

If you want, see if it's ok that I share this with you on this site.  Or, maybe there's a way to communicate through gmail or something.  I'm new here so I'm not sure how we would go about sharing private email accounts (outside of this site).

Smiles,
Jackie

[Dena]

As long as the diet is reasonably heathy, there shouldn't be an issue with it. You might want to look at the following link.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,9.0.html

Also, if you will review the links you will find your ability to send PMs (private messages) will come when you reach 15 quality posts.

[Deborah]

I saw this article this morning and it really is very good.  If you can follow most of these habits you will lose weight and keep it off.  And you will stay healthy while doing it.


40 TIPS THAT DOUBLE WEIGHT LOSS
http://bit.ly/2liuFJm


It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves

[Daniellekai]

I've been eating things that are more nutritious, and also not eating too close to bed time, as a midnight snack was a common habit, it seems to be working at a rate that's satisfying, and in theory not unhealthy as it's less than the 1% per week that I've read is the limit for healthy weight loss. I actually really enjoy a lot of very healthy food, it was just always easier to get fast food, and when you don't feel like cooking it makes it an even more tempting option, but I haven't done any in a month and don't intend to until I'm my goal. But still it's going to take close to 40 weeks

[Daniellekai]

I figured this would be the best place to post about my avatar, I tried to give it more or less the same features I have, minus the beard, I'm sure it helps everyone to have a picture in mind anyway... It's a bit off of course, just a simple online tool, but seemed to work well enough...