Quote from: Xxirishbratxx on February 19, 2017, 01:39:26 PM
So I'm Kat. My husband is actually a member here. He "came out" to me on Thursday and I'm handling it terribly.
Part of me is truly happy that he's finally coming into who he wants to be. The other part of me wants to be extremely selfish and tell him that he's making a huge mistake which I know is obviously the wrong thing.
We've been married for a little over a year. He's bisexual which I knew from the get-go. I was totally fine with that. This, however is a whole different story.
I'm hoping you can all give me some advice on handle things at home (in the bedroom and otherwise).
I'm absolutely terrified for our future (as we're trying for a baby) and for my mental state because as I said earlier in my post - I'm not handling this well at all.
I don't want my husband to become a woman full-time. I love him with every once of my soul. I've seen a picture of him as his counterpart. And while she is very pretty, I don't think I can bring myself to love heto. Ever.
I'm so confused. I'm not sure what to say anymore. I know I'm rambling and I'm sorry.
Thanks for reading.
Xo
Kat - first thing I want to say is I'm glad you joined. I knew about the cross dressing since before we started dating 25 years ago but when the "I need to transition" conversation happened last September I never understood until then that my husband was actually my wife inside. The topic came up a couple of times over the years and I shut it down with similar feelings to you.
I was always selfish because it was presented to me more as a want but "I could never pass as a woman". I was always worried about what people would think, how our son would take it (he's 11). I came to realize from September - December (before our first session with the gender therapist) that this needs to happen for her mental health, our marriage and our family unit. We personally conducted our own couples therapy before anyone else in the world was brought in.
We are so much happier as a couple (turns out I identify as a lesbian - but that's a whole other topic to write about... gender therapist helped with that one) since she came out to me as transgender. We share everything now. I am more career oriented and feel like I'm more in the head of the household, a place I personally resented not being seen as. We've enjoyed making love more while she was dressed up in the past and now I understand why... she's able to truly express herself with me 100% there with her. Makes me question why I waited so long to embrace her.
Our son was being affected by the constant grumpy household and a severely depressed father who yelled often for something so simple. We told our son just over a month ago and I can tell you he is one of her biggest supporters. Yes we have family that worries about bullying, but honestly these kids are growing up in a society where there is a strict "no bullying" policy that is enforced. They are encouraged daily to be nice. I could go on and on about how great our son is in all of this, but again for another post. I will say that he has allowed her to not feel like our house is a prison. She is free to walk around and act as her true self. She does most of the weekday cooking (this started when she embraced who she truly is) and we are a much better and happier family.
Now for my original fear of people finding out, that has done a 180. My parents were here visiting over Christmas (we live half way across the country) and prior to us coming out to them I was and still am prepared to walk away from family or friends if they are not supportive. I need my soulmate to be happy, healthy and alive and I will try to protect her as best I can. I also feel that I would not leave her if she were in a massive accident and became paralyzed so why would I leave her for this. I'm now her biggest supporter (but she can tell you more if she chooses). I'm the one who helps pick her up or snuggle or encourage to continue when the dysphoria gets really bad.... I know the signs. I won't communicate anything at my work until the social transition happens (this can be anywhere from a year - 3 years depending on appointments, HRT, facial and gender reassignment). The appointments at least in Canada take a while so we are currently in wait mode for HRT.
As far as babies... you can still have them... they will grow up in a happy healthy home with two loving parents - we had our son via gestational surrogate and many couples need IVF to conceive... you could do a round prior to anything changing and freeze the embryo for when your ready. You can carry which would be an amazing thing to share with your husbands true self.
I'll close this reply with a "we've all been there... we've all cried and the "grieving a death" is perfectly normal response. I'm lucky mine lasted only a few weeks and that was only because I thought I needed to become the man in he relationship on top of my female part... this is not the case. We share and I'm ok with doing things I always pushed off as that's the husband's job. Let yourself time to process, ask any and every question you want/need and look deep into why you fell in love in the first place.
If you have any questions, a virtual shoulder to cry on please feel free.... I'm sure much happier now even though we have many challenges and half our life to love each other as our true selves.
Take care of yourself on this process
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
