Dating Men Versus Dating Women

[Spunky Brewster]

Like the title says, how has your dating life changed? I, myself, have been on hormones for four years now. I met a guy about three months into transition and have been dating an in love with him since. We have sex regularly. I feel like I'm living in a dream. But, I remember when I started hormones I was worried I would date a man. It seemed ickier then. But, it's not like I didn't know I liked men, since all my sexual fantasies revolve around having penetrative intercourse w/men.

Still, I told myself I would be a lesbian. I dated a women before transition and we looked like lesbians, but I could never have sex. Having sex with a woman with my penis sounds so gross to me now. No offense to anyone. I'm totally cool but to me it's like ick. Does anyone else have these issues? You thought you were really only interested in women but it turns out you love men. (Sounds like a Maury Povich show lol). And now: Transwomen who loved women date men!

TBH, my ex-fiance left me because I was too feminine and wanted to transition. She thought she could be a lesbian with me, as I was very femme pre-HRT, and we were taken for lesbians a lot. She stopped my last Halloween custome because I looked too much like a woman and people would think I was a woman in a Miss America costume, not a man imitating one. I got hit on. I knew I liked men.  Yet, I persisted.

[RobynD]

All pretty new to me but living in a dream is how i feel too. I was always bisexual so i never had any of the ick factor, and have been with others even fairly recently, but this relationship is all new. He treats me as a girl in every way.

I'm married and poly, so i definitely know the other side of it and can compare it to my old maleish sex drive and even romantic ideas and this miles different. It feels a lot deeper emotionally. I started to create mix playlists of love songs on Saturday, who does that? It felt sort of silly to me but away i go.

My attraction to women has definitely changed, there is no ick factor there but there is also not a lot of drive to be with women, flirt with women or look at women etc. It is a pretty drastic change. I totally believe i am bisexual don'y get me wrong, but the pendulum has swung. This presents somewhat of a challenge to my marriage, but not a serious one. She stuck with me, i will stick with her.

[staciM]

I only wanted to touch on one point you mentioned.  Just because a pre-GCS MTF woman is with another CIS woman in a lesbian relationship, don't assume "traditional" penetrative intercourse is what's going on.  My wife and I make love like woman do, it just so happens (until surgery) my "clit" is a bit large, but it doesn't mean it goes inside her.  It doesn't feel right to either of us either.  Who you are with and love is more about an emotional connection, and less about plumbing.

[Floof]

I've been with one female and two males before, those are all my relationships.. And all pre HRT so I certainly swing both ways. My last relationship ended very poorly though, and turned me completely off men for several years.. Been a full 6 years now since I dated anyone and really would like to find a woman this time, but trying to wait until after I complete my downstairs surgery.

I dont know if I will be patient enough though! Feel so very ready for a relationship, I'm dying to start dating again but also too afraid of how such an 'adventure' will go.. And I would like to be fully intimate with a future partner, and for that the surgery is a criteria. Who knows, perhaps by the time it is done I would rather have a man and the atraction I feel towards women will have dropped off. From what some of you are saying, that very much is a possibility.. But right now, in this moment and only 3 months into HRT, I would like to date a woman. No idea what exactly the future will hold, but I am very excited to explore it.

[Emileeeee]

You sound like me. I've always had a high sex drive, but hated sex. I was fine with the foreplay. It was the act itself. I've heard similar stories from straight women that tried to experiment with other women, where they were fine with all of it except the sex. Never clicked for me though.

Only ever dated women and started relationships based on what I would now call a friendship chemistry. There was never any attraction. I just found them attractive, if that makes sense.

Since starting the transition, I experienced what attraction actually feels like, solely with men. It's taken some time to come to terms with it, but at this point I'm positive that I'm straight and was never lesbian. My wife did stay for the transition, but we got more and more distant as the transition progressed, with it all collapsing when I got GCS. I don't think it's possible for 2 straight women to make a gay marriage work. Hopefully I'll retain her as a friend though. I hate to lose her entirely, because I do love her. We're just not compatible anymore.

[RobynD]

Not to lead the thread astray but, It totally is possibly to make a two straight woman relationship work with friendship, companionship and shared experiences. Love changes, marriages change and sex as something important, ebbs and flows. The marriage certificate does not come with much in the way of terms and conditions. You have to be on the same page though or pretty close. There are many successful poly marriages too.

Back to the original subject, one thing to consider is what the impact is of someone who becomes the first person to treat you as your genuine self. The gratitude and the bonding there could totally drive a focus on one or more guys.

[Spunky Brewster]

...

Back to the original subject, one thing to consider is what the impact is of someone who becomes the first person to treat you as your genuine self. The gratitude and the bonding there could totally drive a focus on one or more guys.

That's the thing the guy is the first person to see me as a woman. He claimed he'd never be with me. But we've been together for several years, not counting the years of friendship on top of it. I don't know it's weird because I love him so much and I never thought I could feel this way for a man. In fantasy: Yes! In reality: well, i guess, YAS! He thinks I like women because I look at pictures all the time, but am just looking at outfits and stuff.

I just think it's funny that the one thing I was worried about for some reason is one of the best parts of my transition so far. It really does change you--having sex with a man. I never had a high sex drive though and didn't pursue women; I just waited and met people thru circumstances. My attempt at being gay went awry because physically I was too feminine looking. "Sister's [a Philly Lesbian bar] is over there honey. You're not very butch anyway sweetie."

But now I'm months away from surgery (hopefully) and everything seems very surreal. I'm totally feminine--curves, narrow waist and shoulders, perky boobs--and tiny at 5'5 and 125 lbs. But now I caught myself thinking should I have just dated women and stayed masculine, well, masculine-lite. Most of the time I think I'm a cis woman and am deep stealth. I'm rambling again...sorry...I do that and I apologize in advance...

[stephaniec]

I feel a lot more comfortable being the female in relationships which tends to make me feel better with a dominant companion, given that males usually play the dominant role.

[cheryl reeves]

Once upon a time when my confusing puberty hit I tried to fantasize being with a man even looked at some magazines and felt repulsed,even though I like to be penetrated,i use toys, But women was very different and I'm very attracted to my wife. We each are different and should embrace it for it makes us who we are.

[RobynD]

Once upon a time when my confusing puberty hit I tried to fantasize being with a man even looked at some magazines and felt repulsed,even though I like to be penetrated,i use toys, But women was very different and I'm very attracted to my wife. We each are different and should embrace it for it makes us who we are.

So agree on that last sentence.

I am always intrigued by people using the word "repulsive" (also disgusted etc.) in terms of sexual preference and gender. I'm not dissing you for using it all, it is your experience and quite valid but as a bisexual it is so hard for me to imagine a whole gender of people to be repulsed by.

We all have our attractions. I think a little chubbiness on a man is cute, while others think....no way, lean abs or nothing. For women i think very pale skin is lovely, while others think it looks vampiric and unhealthy.

I think the stronger words like repulsive are often used by older people, maybe because of old homophobic conditioning that many of us had to deal with? Younger people don't seem to use such hard terms as much. I dunno language and the emotions it brings is fascinating

[cheryl reeves]

My problem is I grew up in an America that wasn't politically correct,we said it how it was and.moved on to the next subject without anyone saying we were mean or homophobic. I like women in male mode and female mode there is something about the female body that drives me crazy,me being trans I felt that meant I must be attracted to males,thought long and hard and looked at the matter from all  and nothing,i don't even like a male touching me period.

[RobynD]

What many call "politically correct" i would call common decency. In other words world, don't tear down people that are not like you and be nice. The Golden Rule and all of that. Minorities and people not in the mainstream of life and not having privilege were often treated badly in the past and that continues to this day.

As to our personal likes and attractions, that is totally cool. Variety make the world better. Diversity makes it stronger. Whatever your gender expression, you don't have to be attracted to anyone you are not, that is i think one of the benefits of recent changes in society.

[GrayKat]

I love women. The way they look, sound and feel. Everything about them. I don't know if that will change with HRT. I also worry they may not want me in a feminized state.

[LexiDreamer]

I think this is such a very interesting topic.

I am MtF, about 7 months on medical HRT (herbals a year before that).

I identify as Pansexual, as I've had sexual experiences with cis-women, trans-women, cross-dressers and men.
I've only been out as trans for just under 2 years. Interestingly enough, all of my sexual experiences, before coming out, were only with cis-women.

I feel like I have such an advantage over some (arguably most) people as I have sampled most of the "gender buffet" and and really have a better understanding of what and who I like. I find it short sighted for people to claim they're absolutely straight, without ever challenging their selves, by only sharing sexual experiences with their declared sexual preference.
How does one know they don't like "green eggs and ham", if they've never tried it?

That being said, I'm really attracted to women right now, giving preference to cis-women, although I do find some trans-women very attractive. Men just seem "blah" right now. In my mind they're just smelly, hairy children trapped in an adult bodies with penises, only interested in one thing. I've had to deal with my share of "->-bleeped-<-s", can you tell? 

I currently have a cis-girlfriend, and we got together right around the same time I started my HRT. She's the first relationship I've had since coming out and so far it's been quite a ride. Interestingly enough my GF does not consider herself a lesbian, but knowing some of her experiences, I classify her as Pansexual, much like myself.
She often comments on how she doesn't want me to "cut off my parts" and is worried I'm going to start liking men. But, we have great fun together just being women and doing the things women enjoy... shopping, cuddling, cooking and even crying together. We have an active sex life, with her being the "top" about 90% of the time and also the dominant one in the relationship (she calls herself the bossy girlfriend)!

The serious role reversal has blown my mind! She craves sex, waaaay more than me, to the point where she can get frustrated when I'm not in the mood. I need some romance and tenderness most of the time before I can even get started. It's been such a shift from what I've known as living as a guy before my coming out and transition.


Sorry for the long backstory, but to get to the OP's original question:

The interesting thing, I do catch myself fantasizing about having a relationship with a kind, caring man who's totally in love with me. It's the ultimate straight woman's fantasy, I suppose!

I hear a love song on the radio (usually a guy singing about an ex or current lover), and I think "OMG, I so want to be the woman that guy is pining over and wrote the song for"

I really love the self discovery this transition ride has provided me.
...and oh the TEARS!

[Floof]

That being said, I'm really attracted to women right now, giving preference to cis-women, although I do find some trans-women very attractive. Men just seem "blah" right now. In my mind they're just smelly, hairy children trapped in an adult bodies with penises, only interested in one thing. I've had to deal with my share of "->-bleeped-<-s", can you tell? 

This very well reflects my own feelings recently, tho I have no preference between cis- or trans-women as the femininity of a person is what appeals to me in a woman on a superficial level. Almost completely turned off men lately for some reason, and I'm not entirely sure why! ..ofc sadly none of my '->-bleeped-<-s' have been much to speak of anyway, a 40 year old man leaning over the bar and declaring that I'm "one of those" -implying trans woman- doesn't get my 25 yo love juices flowing .

I enjoy that someone else seems to very much share my current attractions .

[RobynD]

One observation that i have seen in dating guys is that maturity makes all the difference and with that comes a lack of self-centeredness. I totally get that men are driven by their biology for a sex focus and a variety of it. That is ok, but selflessness actually makes a guy way more attractive in my opinion and that means those guys get more of what they want.

One other one to add is that i seem to be more attracted to softer spoken, a bit nerdy but masculine types of guys and they do exist for sure.

[cheryl reeves]

I've been around men my whole life and always kept my distance preferring too work alone. Something about me put me on edge too this day if a male touches me they almost get hit. I tried to see if I could get turned on by men and was repulsed,women do it for me. I I like transsexual porn and crossdresser porn but fantasy and reality are two different critters. I love my wife if it wasn't for her i would probably be Cheryl full-time and living alone.

[LexiDreamer]

One observation that i have seen in dating guys is that maturity makes all the difference and with that comes a lack of self-centeredness. I totally get that men are driven by their biology for a sex focus and a variety of it. That is ok, but selflessness actually makes a guy way more attractive in my opinion and that means those guys get more of what they want.

I'm sold! That description of a man sounds perfect!

If you find one that is single and into trans-women, please give me his number! 

[Kylo]

I am always intrigued by people using the word "repulsive" (also disgusted etc.) in terms of sexual preference and gender. I'm not dissing you for using it all, it is your experience and quite valid but as a bisexual it is so hard for me to imagine a whole gender of people to be repulsed by.

As bisexual I do not get it either. But it's something noticed if I asked self-declared straight people about it, especially straight males. I know straight females who say they're not attracted to women but don't feel like women's bodies are horrible or anything.

I still haven't discovered what it is about those guys that make them find other men so gross, but considering the reactions of some of them and them being people I know, I think a little of it is fear. If I don't find someone attractive I don't get a gut reaction if someone asks me whether I think they're nice-looking or not. There's no reaction in there to it, really. There either is, or there isn't, but there's never any fear or disgust. Same in the other bi guys I know.

That said, when I was younger I had a fear of all sex stuff and an aversion to dating. I think no small part of it came from my own confusion about what the hell I was supposed to be. It's only now any of it starts to make any sense with me in the picture.

[GrayKat]

As bisexual I do not get it either. But it's something noticed if I asked self-declared straight people about it, especially straight males. I know straight females who say they're not attracted to women but don't feel like women's bodies are horrible or anything.

Generally, women are brought up to be affectionate with other women. So revulsion is not taught.