Hi, I'm Tom or am I?

[TomTuttle]

Hi I'm Tom

I dunno how much I'll use this but I'm basically here to see how I feel interacting inside the trans community as Tom, who was my alter ego as a kid who wanted to be a boy. As I got older I sort of let that go. Puberty seemed irrelevant to me. But where I am now, I find myself always desperately affirming my masculinity, wishing I was back in that place when I used to fight for my right to be a boy. Its a weird place I'm in. I feel like I'm okay with being female, but that I'm annoyed that being a boy never happened for my younger self, and that currently, I'm still making up for it. I wish I didn't look like an imposter in my mens clothes. I dunno. But I'm Tom, just here to talk to people like I'm a guy since I can't really experiment with that.

I like video games and my favourites are Fallout 1 and Deus Ex (original). Currently I'm playing Fallout 3... I'm a bit behind but whatever. I also like music, particualrly post punk and genres that fall around it, so Joy Division, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Bauhaus, New Order, Depeche Mode, Bowie's Berlin trilogy, some Iggy and Stooges stuff (esp Raw Power) some 80s harddcore like Bad Brians and Fugazi, Savages etc. And also a variety of Japanese bands in a wide variety of rock genres like Scandal, Number Girl, Envy, Brian the Sun, School Food Punishment etc. I also play the electric guitar. I write songs. And I also draw fairly well. I like anime some of my favourites being, Death Note, Kokoro Connect, Kuroko no Basuke, Detective Conan, Fullmetal Alchemist etc. And I'm taking a degree in Japanese.

More abstractly, I like long walks. And I like pacing. I drink tea (british, mate. also coffee tbf), alcohol (preferably rum) and soy milk and prefer to avoid other drinks (unless mixed with rum). I always wear black boots because I can do anything in them. I love treadmills. Blue is my favourite (warmest) colour. And thats all I can think of right now.

[patrick1967]

Welcome Tom. Glad you could join us here. Hope you find what you are looking for

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place Tom. It sounds possible that you fall in to  the non binary where you are neither 100% male or female. We have a section of the site for that and it's all about finding a place in life where you are comfortable. For some it's presenting differently and others may desire medical intervention to move into the proper place. Feel free discuss your feelings here and to help you, I am including an additional link to our WIKI that you might find useful.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[V M]

Hi Tom 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[TomTuttle]

Welcome to Susan's Place Tom. It sounds possible that you fall in to  the non binary where you are neither 100% male or female. We have a section of the site for that and it's all about finding a place in life where you are comfortable. For some it's presenting differently and others may desire medical intervention to move into the proper place. Feel free discuss your feelings here and to help you, I am including an additional link to our WIKI that you might find useful.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

I'm not sure I want medical transition. I marvel at transmen's transition but applying that to myself is a bit too much in my mind. Seems scary and big. I want to bind my breasts sometimes but I don't know if I'd go through with top surgery - I just sort of wish I developed smaller ones so I never had to think about it much. I'm the sort of person who never even goes to the doctor, refuses to cry in front of people, practically gets angry when people try to help me, constantly hands in University work late but never sees the school counsellor, gets chased down by my mother for my collection of boxer shorts and ties but will not utter a word in explanation no matter how much she asks etc...  so I can't imagine myself going to the doctor for anything tbh. I can't think of a more horrific situation than being reliant on substances from my doctor. I think if I only did not need to hide my breasts I would be 100% happy feeling whole as a sorta feminine looking boy.

Currently I want to buy some sorta compression bra and this shirt that says Pretty Boy: http://www.flavnt.com/shirts/pretty-boy-tee Then just keep dressing in my guys clothes and hopefully find somebody who will indulge me in being a boy. Currently, I don't feel the need to be a man. I have been told I seem nonbinary before but... I don't even know what that would mean for me, I would never want gender neutral pronouns, though gendered pronouns are often irrelevant to me, just as long as it seems obvious that male terms suit me more, that I'm not like girls, and that I don't care for the talk of butches who love being a woman. Womanhood is rather meh to me.

[Floof]

Hi, welcome!

You seem like an awesome person, hope you can find some helpful info on here and perhaps learn something about yourself and who you want to be.. I'm kind of in love with the Bethesda RPGs even tho I realize they are not the best games out there, and Fallout 3 was one of my favorite games as a teenager -you liking it so far? Also cool to see someone else who enjoys rum; trend around where I live are the micro brew beers and whiskey.. So I'm mostly alone with being crazy about rum, absolutely love flavors they offer. Can't say I share your taste in music or interest in anime, tho I have a few friends who are doing bachelors in Japanese right now; seems to be a very popular thing to do these days!

Slightly more serious; you absolutely should not go any further than you need to in order to be happy with yourself. Medical transition is a serious thing and very drastic, not something to be undertaken on a whim for sure! If what makes you happy is presenting a male/slightly androgynous image to the world, then that is what you should do. I always recommend therapy tho, and will do so this time too despite your reservations.. I only do so because it helped me so much in understanding my own situation and just who I was, and how I was going to go about becoming that person on the outside too.

Regardless of which path you choose, I wish you all the best

[TomTuttle]

I'm not particularly in love with Bethesda. Skyrim became boring from being TOO expansive to me, so much so that I felt like I was making no progress. Fallout 3 is more enjoyable to me, possibly just because it's in my preferred universe that I already know, or just because the main story is really drilled into you, so I feel like I have clear direction. However, I prefer the original Fallout games, which were not made by Bethesda at all, even though they are about the same age as myself.

I like different interesting beers but I'm not fond of whiskey. Many people I know hate rum for sure and that really annoys me.

Yeah sometimes I wonder if I'd really like to do some medical stuff but with my disposition of never going to the doctor I don't think I'm at risk of making any rash decisions. I'll see if I ever need to go to therapy. Tbh whenever I think I have problems that deserve therapy I realise that people around me have actual problems and I would never dare compare myself to them. I feel often quite miserable but not in a way I can't handle. It seems quite obvious that I only do it to myself when it happens even though i always look for something to blame it on and i can always fix myself up if I really try.

[Janes Groove]

Welcome to the club Tom.  You're definitely in the right place to explore and learn more about about your unique gender identity and feelings.

[Floof]

I'm not particularly in love with Bethesda. Skyrim became boring from being TOO expansive to me, so much so that I felt like I was making no progress. Fallout 3 is more enjoyable to me, possibly just because it's in my preferred universe that I already know, or just because the main story is really drilled into you, so I feel like I have clear direction. However, I prefer the original Fallout games, which were not made by Bethesda at all, even though they are about the same age as myself.

I'm too clumsy for the early Fallouts style of game, stuff life Fallout 3 is perfect for me! Skyrim had no real sense of direction though, so I understand if you didn't like it much.

I like different interesting beers but I'm not fond of whiskey. Many people I know hate rum for sure and that really annoys me.

Hmm. I actually changed a lot of my friends opinions on rum by having them taste some of my favorites. Absolutely cant handle beer I just feel sick after like half a bottle.. Love red wine to death.

Yeah sometimes I wonder if I'd really like to do some medical stuff but with my disposition of never going to the doctor I don't think I'm at risk of making any rash decisions. I'll see if I ever need to go to therapy. Tbh whenever I think I have problems that deserve therapy I realise that people around me have actual problems and I would never dare compare myself to them. I feel often quite miserable but not in a way I can't handle. It seems quite obvious that I only do it to myself when it happens even though i always look for something to blame it on and i can always fix myself up if I really try.

You seem like a strong and brave person, a lot stronger than I've ever been. I can relate to feeling like you dont have 'actual problems', early on in particular I remember thinking how stupid it was to not want to be my born gender.. But eventually I realized it absolutely did qualify as a problem, a very dramatic one too that threatened to take my life -in a manner of speaking. You shouldn't think you are not important enough to seek help for your problems; this is what therapists and doctors are for, to help you with any issues you may have. I voiced my concern that I was wasting my GPs time once when I was there for an issue relating to transitioning, and he said people like me -people who come there once in a while for an issue- take up something like 20% of his time. The remaining 80% are a handful of his patients that come for even the most mundane thing happens to them -like a headache or a case of the runs- and by far the biggest cause of 'clogging' in the Norwegian healthcare system.. Nothing wrong with you taking a few minutes of their time to ask about something thats been weighing on you for years.

[gennee]

Hi Tom and welcome to Susan's. I hope the site will help you.

[MeTony]

Welcome Tom.

I hope you find what you are searching for. I believe if it makes you happy, then do it.

I do also recommend a gender therapist go help you sort out your thoughts and feelings. No one will force you to take hormones or surgery no matter what you and the therapist talk about.

Tony