Who the heck am I?

[Melody.T]

I've been on mtf hormones and blockers just shy of 2 years. I don't regret it.

I'll be honest, things seemed to start off a heck of a lot better than they are. I'm really trying my best to fit into society, but I feel like eyes are always on me. I do feel like hrt would have been an amazing coice over a decade ago, but I started in my early 30s. I don't know if the non binary forum is the correct place, but I didn't wish to be toxic in other sub forums.

I only own female clothing, was AMAB. A big problem is my voice is difficult, I work on it, but alway seem like a faker or something. Does or did anyone feel that way? Also, if I could rub a genie's lamp I would be female. I feel like I've made the right choice, but that comes into question if I should be making a choice at all?

I feel like I've tolerated my birthsex so long that it was the lesser of two evils, and after HRT I'm whom I was destined to be but life is so much harder. I definitely feel in extreme distress. I can't afford FFS so I refuse to leave the house without makeup on. I do remember the time when I had the luxury of not caring. I am legally a female, I've done all the footwork.

Is this just an image issue? We can't all be super models.
If I'm "male", would I transition at all? I'll admit that I definitely see the benefits of testosterone, but the grass is always greener and estrogen has definitely made me more in touch with my emotions.

I think I am female. I mean, I really am. So, what have any of you done that possibly feel in that gray area like me? I really think I'm a female, but my skeleton figuratively can't stop laughing at me, and society is definitely not kind.

I think life was EASIER before. I don't feel like ive made the wrong choice. Is it ok to say "life was definitely better and smooth, but now that I'm ME life is stressful".

I expect no pity, there's always someone that has it harder. Am I hung up on shallow beauty, or am I faking a role I believe is, and definitely 100% where life has led me? Why would I be here if it was wrong? I cannot tell you if I was happier pre-transition, as from one aspect I *initially* felt a loss when the T was gone but no longer feel so. I was also afraid of even the mention on SRS, but now I'm really looking into it. Are these identity problems OK? I guess I just don't understand.

Lots of love to you all.

[Asche]

I think your reaction is typical.  No matter how much we may tell ourselves that it won't, I think somewhere inside we hope that transitioning will eliminate our miseries.  Or at least make us instantly comfortable with our gender.

I think it just takes time (years) to settle into our new life and for our new gender to become our new normal.

I went full-time this past December.  I'd been wearing skirts and dresses part-time not at work) for years, and trying to present female everywhere but work for about 9 months, and came back to work as Allison this January.

What struck me was how little actually changed.  I worry more about presentation, perhaps because I want to justify my gender change and perhaps also to avoid hassles (not that I ever got much -- this is NYC, after all.)  But coworkers continued to relate to me pretty much the same as before (though they mostly got pronouns and names right), going to the ladies' room at work (or anywhere) was a non-issue.  You'd have thought I'd been like this my whole life.  I don't know if people look at me funny, but honestly, people have looked at me funny my whole life.

It was kind of a let-down, actually.  I still have the same problems I had before.  I misgender myself constantly.  I'm still having to work at figuring out how to be me as opposed to who I think people expect me to be.  My 20-something-year-old kids have not suddenly figured out how to get on with their lives (or how to pick up after themselves )  Life is still a struggle.  I'm still going to a therapist twice a week to deal with the cr*p from 50+ years ago.

And I haven't even run into much obvious misogyny yet (though I'm sure I will, oh joy!)

The bright side is that I'm still alive and still want to be alive.
Oh, well, I wasn't put on this Earth to lie on a couch and eat bon-bons, I suppose.

(But, speaking of couches, I do wish I could get my couch back from Dear Elder Child who spends all day spread out all over it.)

[Melody.T]

I think your reaction is typical.  No matter how much we may tell ourselves that it won't, I think somewhere inside we hope that transitioning will eliminate our miseries.  Or at least make us instantly comfortable with our gender.

I think it just takes time (years) to settle into our new life and for our new gender to become our new normal.

I went full-time this past December.  I'd been wearing skirts and dresses part-time not at work) for years, and trying to present female everywhere but work for about 9 months, and came back to work as Allison this January.

What struck me was how little actually changed.  I worry more about presentation, perhaps because I want to justify my gender change and perhaps also to avoid hassles (not that I ever got much -- this is NYC, after all.)  But coworkers continued to relate to me pretty much the same as before (though they mostly got pronouns and names right), going to the ladies' room at work (or anywhere) was a non-issue.  You'd have thought I'd been like this my whole life.  I don't know if people look at me funny, but honestly, people have looked at me funny my whole life.

It was kind of a let-down, actually.  I still have the same problems I had before.  I misgender myself constantly.  I'm still having to work at figuring out how to be me as opposed to who I think people expect me to be.  My 20-something-year-old kids have not suddenly figured out how to get on with their lives (or how to pick up after themselves )  Life is still a struggle.  I'm still going to a therapist twice a week to deal with the cr*p from 50+ years ago.

And I haven't even run into much obvious misogyny yet (though I'm sure I will, oh joy!)

The bright side is that I'm still alive and still want to be alive.
Oh, well, I wasn't put on this Earth to lie on a couch and eat bon-bons, I suppose.

(But, speaking of couches, I do wish I could get my couch back from Dear Elder Child who spends all day spread out all over it.)

Thanks kindly for the kind words and sharing your experience. I suppose we'll both just have to be optimistic about our journeys.

PS: I don't see any problem with laying on the couch all day eating bonbons!

[Raell]

LOL! Nobody knows how to deal with teenagers. Somewhere around 25 years old, their frontal lobes start to activate and they often start taking on responsibility for themselves.

As for being pretty, there are plenty of plain, or masculine-looking cis women, especially after middle age.

Everyone is a gender blend, just in different places on the gender scale. Typically, the closer people are to the extreme ends of the gender poles, the more attractive those people are to others, no matter which bio gender they are. For instance, some transwomen are more beautiful than most cis women, and some transmales are handsome beyond most cis men.

Not everyone has a clear gender side. Here in Thailand, most people are a gender mix with the gender sliding scale balance often closer to the middle than not. Men tend to be pretty, graceful, talented at music, dancing, art, etc. The women tend to have the figures of 10 year old boys, with flat hips and busts, and are athletic, coordinated, and hardy. I often have at least one student per class who is transgender, so I allow that student to participate or compete with the team of choice..boys or girls.

[Satinjoy]

This idea of faking a role has my attention.  Personally I don't fake anything, it throws people a little, I am a baritone tenor.  I do use a whisky voice, and when I use the ladies bathroom I go into ultra female stealth mode in a hurry.

I don't like fake, I don't like pretending to be something that i am not.  I do the real, and show components of who i really am, some of these read as socially female, some read as something else.  What I am not to clear on, male androgyne probably, and in that reality, I do have to be very strong.

Folks want one box or the other, and stereotypes in both, and its not my truth to be  in one box or the other.  But I can reveal one or the other.

I just becamse comfortable with being me, a fully transitioned mtf androgyne.   I am not a woman, I am not a man.  For some of us, they are all girl or all boy, and thats just fine with me, its just not me.  I am my own gender.

So I don't really know where that takes us, but for me, its always about releasing the truth within, and I can be very female, full passing and girl, or not.  It all depends.

But whatever I am, and I have a deep baritone tenor voice that I wont mod very much because I am a professional singer, whatever I am, its not going to be fake anything, or feel like fake anything.

I lived fake all my life, till I let go and let myself be true and real and me.  I aint going back to fake for anyone.

Trinity