Afraid, Confused or just plain crazy???

[Jessie007]

Hi,

For the past week or two I have been feeling good about myself. I have had this new level of acceptance about who I am, accepting that I am a trans woman. This acceptance has allowed me to let go of much of the anger and self loathing that has been weighing me down. Without the anger to tame it, the dysphoria has been running wild. I keep thinking I want to transition, I MUST transition, and it needs to be done by yesterday!

Having said that, I have been coping ok. I have another appointment with my therapist tomorrow, and she always finds a way to "reset" my brain to a calmer state.

However, yesterday I went out to the shops to buy a tv recorder and on the way I stopped at a car dealer to have a look at a new ute (truck for those of you that don't speak Aussie [emoji12]). It was a VW Amarok, which I have always liked. The salesman suggested we go for a test drive and of course I jumped at the chance. So after over an hour of looking at and driving this ute, I mostly forgot about my gender issues. I almost felt like a normal guy. Then coming home with the new tv recorder and spending time connecting and setting it up, was more time where I wasn't thinking about being Jessie.

This morning I woke up feeling very confused. I didn't know if I felt male or female. Sometimes I wonder if I am non binary or if it is because I have spent over 44 years suppressing and outright rejecting any idea that I might really be a girl inside, that causes me this confusion.

As I write this, I am starting to feel more and more like I really am Jessie.

Does anybody else have this kind of confusion? I find it very upsetting because it tends to make me undo all my therapy work and go back into denial and not accepting myself.

Jessie

[JeanetteLW]

  Hi Jessie,
  I'm Jeanette and I can tell you that you are not alone. Having felt that wonderful giddiness, the certainty that you're doing the right thing all the way down to the doubts and fears. The equal certainty that you have to be nuts to be doing what you are doing. But for me there has always be the doggedness to keep with the agenda, to keep swallowing those magic pills. To take that next step.
   Tomorrow I face my next small step on my personal road to become the woman I want to be.
   You are none of those things either, you are just human, with human emotions and needs. Stick to your guns and go for it Jessie. Walk with us along this road. Reach out for support when you need to. You will always find someone here willing to help.

Hugs,
   Jeanette

[josie76]

I'd say confused is a word I would describe myself very often in life. 

You're not alone feeling that way. From the moment I realized transition was a possibility I had the same "must be done yesterday, ten years ago, just get it done now" feelings. Then every so often I'd be caught in the moment of just focusing on what I was doing and for a time I forgot about my issues. Problem is the Dysphoria always came back. I also had the doubts come up. Especially when thinking about how to really live life as a woman someday, or how my changing would affect my family. Oh the doubts! But then there's the other side. When the weight of not doing it sets back in. It's certainly not an easy road to walk.

Funny thing happened a week ago. After a long wait to see the endo I got my first prescription. From about an hour after letting that first blue pill dissolve in my upper cheek, so much of my anxiety just disappeared. So much that even when my wife and I were at odds I was calm instead of going directly to stress induced chest pains. I would have thought it a placebo, but my rush to change everything has just dropped away. I feel just plain good with taking my time now. Somehow I feel more comfortable in my skin. The endo said there is usually a fairly fast psychological effect of estrogen if the testosterone lowers enough. I don't know what it is but I suddenly understand what some call testosterone poisoning. It's like my brain wasn't ever meant to function on T.

I guess what I'm trying to say is although it's hard having to live through Dysphoria, there is life on the other side of that wall.

[Jessie007]

Hi Jeanette and josie. It's funny, it was only about 2 hours ago that I wrote the opening post above and already I feel different.....again! It's a crazy roller coaster ride that is enough to make me feel like I am out of my mind! I am now back to feeling so much more certain about my identity. When these moments of confusion set in, they feel like a huge setback in my progress to understanding myself. I start having all the same doubts and fears I did a year ago. I suppose one good thing is that now I don't let myself get fooled by the confusion, trying to convince myself that I'm not trans. I used to do that and it always ended in a major meltdown. Now I know for a fact that the dysphoria will always come back, there is no way to make it go away without some kind of medical intervention. I haven't started HRT, but I am getting closer to taking that next step. If I don't, I fear that I will find myself in a padded room.

It makes me feel more comfortable knowing that others have felt the same, which to me seems kind of cruel in a way. It's like I gain comfort knowing that others have suffered like I am suffering now. Wow! Does that make me a bad person? Maybe it's more the fact that others have faced the same issues, and found a way to deal with these issues, that gives me comfort. In no way would I ever wish this mental torment on anybody.

Jessie

[Dena]

If it weren't for distraction I wouldn't have lasted as long as I did. Computers, electronics, photography, science fiction and reading anything I could get my hands on were my primary sources of distraction to pull my mind away from the nearly constant depression. It didn't always work but it bought me enough time for treatment to become available. Idle time was the worst and as I am slow to fall asleep at night, depression was a regular visitor at bed time.

You have discovered your way of making it go away for a few hours but for now, it will be back. Beware that when you start HRT, you may discover this happens again. If so, things will be better while you are on HRT. Only time will tell how much HRT affects you but the feelings will return if you  stop HRT.

[Jessie007]

Hi Dena, as time passes and I get less confused, I realise that it was just the distraction of being involved with something that I was interested in, that gave me the break from my issues. I guess that it is the relief that the distraction gave me that causes the confusion. I want that relief from the torment so badly that I latch on to whatever provides that relief in the hope that it stays permanent. But unfortunately, as I am sure everyone here knows all too well, that distraction is not a permanent way to relieve the inner turmoil caused by dysphoria. It has taken me a very long time to understand that.

I actually just got off the phone with an electrolysis place. I was asking about facial hair removal. That phone call alone was a stress reliever. Knowing that I might actually get to one day look in the mirror and see myself rather than be dissociated from the stranger looking back at me, is a nice feeling.

Jessie

[SailorMars1994]

I too have gotten alot of the doubts and everything else. Its the oddest thing over hear. When i am a woman and feeling good my mind will for whatever reason push the 'you are  a man'' thing onto me i have reacted in one of two ways. ignore it and reject any maleness and end up feeling better rather soon, or feed into ''him'' and become one of the ''guys'' again. By that point, my personal only destraction is alcohol (not the best choice) as it is the only thing that calms me down in the moment of ''man''. But as soon as i sober up I am back to misery and dysporia or i make the switch and be myself. Now, i dont do that i stay with the one thing that works and do what i can to kill both the voice of doubt and to kill any last remaining bit of ''him''. No one wants to be in the captivity of negativity.

Also, super glad you made that appointment. Great first step.

Huggles- Ashley

[Jessie007]

I didn't actually make an appointment, it was just a phone call to get information.

Jessie

[Sophia Sage]

I actually just got off the phone with an electrolysis place. I was asking about facial hair removal. That phone call alone was a stress reliever. Knowing that I might actually get to one day look in the mirror and see myself rather than be dissociated from the stranger looking back at me, is a nice feeling.

This.

[flytrap]

I experience this too and it is because I am "crazy" (Multiple Personality/Dissociative Identity Disorder as a result of childhood sexual and psychological abuse). There is no confusion. When I feel like a "normal guy," it's because my male alter, Primary, is fronting for our System. Little Guy (8 year old boy) doesn't pay any attention to what gender he is. Otherwise, I'm just me being a girl.

This sounds like a really important topic to explore with your therapist so you can understand why your sense of self shifts so dramatically.