Feel isolated from other trans people my age (teens)

[Harry_1]

I know this title sounds a bit like I'm being a pretentious teenager saying they were born in the wrong generation, haha, which isn't what I mean at all but I couldn't think of another title.

So I'm 17 and FtM, and all the other trans people my age that I know of are coming out to everyone, starting transition or trying to at least, etc. I've spoken to 2 other trans guys about my age and both have tried to persuade me to pursue transition, when at the moment I'm too worried about hurting my family to do this. They also both said that I need to worry about upsetting my parents by being trans less than I do, but I can't seem to follow their advice. I've almost gone into denial that I will ever have to come out to my parents because I know they aren't supportive. I've also refrained from coming out to most of my teachers because I worry they'll tell my parents. So my point is, my fear/inability to cope with hurting my parents by being trans is preventing me from doing a lot of things.

I worry that I'm less brave than every other trans person I know, because everyone else seems to be further along than me in terms of transitioning, both socially and physically. This depresses me because I don't know why I'm not able to act like my trans peers do about being trans. I also feel that other trans people I talk to think I'm stupid for not pursuing transition or coming out more, and that this will stop me making friends with trans people.

I feel like I'm more following the kind of trans narrative that trans people followed when being trans was less accepted than it was now. I know I'm partly acting (or not acting) the way I am because I have unsupportive parents, which my trans peers don't all have in common with me. But I still feel it's my fault and that I'll get to 30 within transitioning because I'm not being brave enough now.

So this post is quite obviously a desperate plea for approval and encouragement, haha. I'd also appreciate any advice on how to feel better about all of this, or any comments from others who feel similarly. 

Thanks

[lynette9990]

Here i am a fully transitioned mtf and it takes a while to get everything to come out

Sent from my LG-V410 using Tapatalk

[p]

I worry that I'm less brave than every other trans person I know, because everyone else seems to be further along than me in terms of transitioning, both socially and physically. This depresses me because I don't know why I'm not able to act like my trans peers do about being trans. I also feel that other trans people I talk to think I'm stupid for not pursuing transition or coming out more, and that this will stop me making friends with trans people.

Harry--you do not need to worry about being brave! You are brave for reaching out on this forum; you're brave for reaching out to those other trans guys; and most of all, I think you're brave for taking steps to accept yourself, especially given your age. Many of us on this forum were a decade (or two, or six!) older than you are now before we could come here and say "Hi everyone, I'm trans." We don't always know what we want, or the best way to go about getting it. In fact, I guarantee that if you go to your 20th high school reunion, you'll realize that you actually have many MORE trans peers you think you have right now (and you'll probably get more and more as time goes on).

Ultimately, it's your life. And if not transitioning is threatening your physical or mental health, I think you should put yourself first. But for many of us, our parents are a big part of our lives and our support systems. It's totally natural to be concerned about your relationship with your parents. And sometimes it's easier to share potentially upsetting news with our parents when we no longer live under the same roof (and aren't depending them to feed & house us, as is often the case at 17).

But no matter what you decide about telling your parents, or starting to take steps in your transition, you have already shown plenty of courage!

[Harry_1]

Harry--you do not need to worry about being brave! You are brave for reaching out on this forum; you're brave for reaching out to those other trans guys; and most of all, I think you're brave for taking steps to accept yourself, especially given your age. Many of us on this forum were a decade (or two, or six!) older than you are now before we could come here and say "Hi everyone, I'm trans." We don't always know what we want, or the best way to go about getting it. In fact, I guarantee that if you go to your 20th high school reunion, you'll realize that you actually have many MORE trans peers you think you have right now (and you'll probably get more and more as time goes on).

Ultimately, it's your life. And if not transitioning is threatening your physical or mental health, I think you should put yourself first. But for many of us, our parents are a big part of our lives and our support systems. It's totally natural to be concerned about your relationship with your parents. And sometimes it's easier to share potentially upsetting news with our parents when we no longer live under the same roof (and aren't depending them to feed & house us, as is often the case at 17).

But no matter what you decide about telling your parents, or starting to take steps in your transition, you have already shown plenty of courage!

Thank you, that's exactly what I wanted someone to say haha Also thanks for reminding me there are other trans people my age who aren't out yet, that helps. Thank you, I feel a lot better and I hope you have a good day

[Harry_1]

Here i am a fully transitioned mtf and it takes a while to get everything to come out

Sent from my LG-V410 using Tapatalk

Thank you for the reassurance!

[Gothic Dandy]

I think there's a lot of pressure in the FTM community to hurry up and transition, and to do what you want with your body and screw everyone else. But we're all individuals, here. We're all going to have different stories. I'm not a teen, but personally, I'm glad I waited. It gave me time to think about myself and who I am and what I want. I'm still thinking, no final decisions made yet.

You can create your own life and it doesn't have to look like everyone else's. You don't even have to be an activist, you don't have to be "brave." Just be You. It's the people who get frustrated with you for not following their expectations that you should tell to go screw themselves, lol.

I hope that helps. It's very late here and I'm losing my ability to be articulate.

[Floof]

You are young and there's still plenty of time to have a full and rich life as your true self. I came out to my dad when I was 18, but didn't truly start transitioning until I was 23.. It's a pretty scary and daunting process with many permanent consequences if you decide to medically transition, so absolutely do not rush into these things without properly determining who you need to be and which steps to take in order to get there. I'm MtF so I cant entirely relate to your situation, but I always think that nobody should do any more changes to their bodies than they need to be happy and comfortable with themselves. If you can find a good therapist -perhaps even with trans experience- to work through your feelings and emotions on this matter I would highly recommend it, was such a great help for me in understanding myself and the steps I need to take. You have already made a big and important decision by seeking advice and assistance from others in similar situations though, and it certainly demands some courage to get even to this early step.

Coming out is a scary and big thing, especially when you fear someone may not accept it or perhaps even react more severely. My mothers side of the family could not accept me and I have not seen any of them for many years now, and others here have experienced such devastating losses -spouse, kids, parents and siblings- by revealing their true self.. There is no shame in being worried about the consequences when reality can be so dramatic.. Luckily people my age and younger -and your generation in particular- are generally very accepting of LGBT people so there is much kindness and support to find among our peers, and of course here on Susans where everyone is just so welcoming, supportive and inspiring.

No matter what happens and how you chose to move forward, I wish you all the best on your journey <3

[meatwagon]

hey, i'm almost 30 now and i still haven't started.  not for lack of desire so much as lack of support.  like you, i lacked a supportive family and it took me a long time to decide to "come out" to them, which i only really did for the sake of finally getting it over with.  because of my financial situation, i'm stuck living at home again right now, and i frequently find myself wishing i hadn't bothered telling my family because the only thing that's changed is that our already strained relationship is even more uncomfortable now, and the level of support and acceptance i get from them certainly hasn't grown over the years since i told them about my gender.  sometimes it's in your best interests to come out to your family, and sometimes it's not.  the only one who can really decide when it's the best time is you, and there are people who have started their transitions much later in life and are doing just fine--so don't think you have to rush into anything you're not ready to do, especially if you think it will make things worse on you without any benefits.  if the bad outweighs the good, it might be better to wait until you've got a clear set of goals and you're willing and able to handle whatever you think the worst case scenario might be. 
on the flip side, your friends do have a point: in this journey, your own well-being needs to take priority.  some people will never accept you as you are, and unfortunately that can include your own family.  it's one thing they'll just have to deal with, and while it's good to be reasonable and try to help them understand and show that you care about their feelings, you should never let your own take a backseat or be forgotten.  this affects you more than anyone else, and it's not fair to hurt or deny yourself for fear of rocking the boat. 
dealing with family, coming out, and taking the first steps can all be really hard and damn well terrifying.  there's nothing wrong with being cautious, especially when you're so young.  i know how bad it feels to see everyone else seemingly so far ahead, thinking it'll be too late by the time you get there; i feel that every day.  but we all start somewhere, some much earlier or later than others, and as long as you're doing what makes you happy and healthy, you can't really go wrong.  you've got plenty of time.  don't be afraid of your family, but don't rush yourself into anything just because it seems like others are further ahead.

[Harry_1]

I think there's a lot of pressure in the FTM community to hurry up and transition, and to do what you want with your body and screw everyone else. But we're all individuals, here. We're all going to have different stories. I'm not a teen, but personally, I'm glad I waited. It gave me time to think about myself and who I am and what I want. I'm still thinking, no final decisions made yet.

You can create your own life and it doesn't have to look like everyone else's. You don't even have to be an activist, you don't have to be "brave." Just be You. It's the people who get frustrated with you for not following their expectations that you should tell to go screw themselves, lol.

I hope that helps. It's very late here and I'm losing my ability to be articulate.

That makes me feel way better that you're glad you waited, thanks. Don't worry, it was very articulate and helpful 

[Harry_1]

You are young and there's still plenty of time to have a full and rich life as your true self. I came out to my dad when I was 18, but didn't truly start transitioning until I was 23.. It's a pretty scary and daunting process with many permanent consequences if you decide to medically transition, so absolutely do not rush into these things without properly determining who you need to be and which steps to take in order to get there. I'm MtF so I cant entirely relate to your situation, but I always think that nobody should do any more changes to their bodies than they need to be happy and comfortable with themselves. If you can find a good therapist -perhaps even with trans experience- to work through your feelings and emotions on this matter I would highly recommend it, was such a great help for me in understanding myself and the steps I need to take. You have already made a big and important decision by seeking advice and assistance from others in similar situations though, and it certainly demands some courage to get even to this early step.

Coming out is a scary and big thing, especially when you fear someone may not accept it or perhaps even react more severely. My mothers side of the family could not accept me and I have not seen any of them for many years now, and others here have experienced such devastating losses -spouse, kids, parents and siblings- by revealing their true self.. There is no shame in being worried about the consequences when reality can be so dramatic.. Luckily people my age and younger -and your generation in particular- are generally very accepting of LGBT people so there is much kindness and support to find among our peers, and of course here on Susans where everyone is just so welcoming, supportive and inspiring.

No matter what happens and how you chose to move forward, I wish you all the best on your journey <3

Thank you :3 I will try and find a therapist (who's available on the NHS, as I live in England) when I leave home. Thank you very much, that helps I'm sorry about your experiences with your mother's family. thanks for your support.

[Harry_1]

hey, i'm almost 30 now and i still haven't started.  not for lack of desire so much as lack of support.  like you, i lacked a supportive family and it took me a long time to decide to "come out" to them, which i only really did for the sake of finally getting it over with.  because of my financial situation, i'm stuck living at home again right now, and i frequently find myself wishing i hadn't bothered telling my family because the only thing that's changed is that our already strained relationship is even more uncomfortable now, and the level of support and acceptance i get from them certainly hasn't grown over the years since i told them about my gender.  sometimes it's in your best interests to come out to your family, and sometimes it's not.  the only one who can really decide when it's the best time is you, and there are people who have started their transitions much later in life and are doing just fine--so don't think you have to rush into anything you're not ready to do, especially if you think it will make things worse on you without any benefits.  if the bad outweighs the good, it might be better to wait until you've got a clear set of goals and you're willing and able to handle whatever you think the worst case scenario might be. 

on the flip side, your friends do have a point: in this journey, your own well-being needs to take priority.  some people will never accept you as you are, and unfortunately that can include your own family.  it's one thing they'll just have to deal with, and while it's good to be reasonable and try to help them understand and show that you care about their feelings, you should never let your own take a backseat or be forgotten.  this affects you more than anyone else, and it's not fair to hurt or deny yourself for fear of rocking the boat. 
dealing with family, coming out, and taking the first steps can all be really hard and damn well terrifying.  there's nothing wrong with being cautious, especially when you're so young.  i know how bad it feels to see everyone else seemingly so far ahead, thinking it'll be too late by the time you get there; i feel that every day.  but we all start somewhere, some much earlier or later than others, and as long as you're doing what makes you happy and healthy, you can't really go wrong.  you've got plenty of time.  don't be afraid of your family, but don't rush yourself into anything just because it seems like others are further ahead.

I'm sorry about your family situation. And I can totally relate to your reasoning. I'm glad you understand that it may be better for me to wait, especially as I am very much not prepared for the worst case scenario right now. I agree though about taking priority and i guess I'm hoping that with time I'll start to feel strongly enough about it to apply that to myself too. Thank you, this really helps so much, and good luck to you.

[p]

Thank you, that's exactly what I wanted someone to say haha Also thanks for reminding me there are other trans people my age who aren't out yet, that helps. Thank you, I feel a lot better and I hope you have a good day

So glad you found it helpful--that's what the Place is all about! My day is a lot better knowing you are feeling better.